Sister visit (day 3 of new sobriety)

My younger sister has come to visit for the weekend. It's awesome. She knows I've been struggling emotionally with all this, so here she is.

We had a great talk this evening about our childhoods, and I learned some things that she knew about that I don't remember. About some childhood trauma that I experienced. Our mother told my sister about it -- interesting that she didn't tell me. At Keystone we did a lot of work on childhood trauma, and it did help me a lot ... but not enough to stay sober with my lover, which is truly a shame.

We played Scrabble tonight, and that was fun. I play Scrabble online but I hadn't played Scrabble live with anyone since my lover. It was bittersweet: Nice to be playing again, but also mindful of all the wonderful games that my lover and I had.

I went to a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting tonight. I shared first, and talked about my commitment to rigorous honesty -- for probably the first time in my life. Everybody else who shared also talked about honesty, and many identified dishonesty as their chief character defect. I guess it's incredibly prevalent in addiction.

Ten times a day I wonder how my lover is doing, and what she is doing. I want so much to contact her, and know that I can't, that I have to stick to my agreement of not contacting her until I am divorced. I hold out little hope that anything will come to fruition then; she might even have moved away. But there is a glimmer.

I am just so angry with myself for what I did to her. I have to keep saying that affirmation: I release myself from guilt and shame.

Hope