Reset sobriety (day 1)

I have reset my sobriety date to yesterday. I have come to a new understanding of what sobriety means to me -- a new definition. And via that new definition, I violated sobriety during the past four weeks because I was not "rigorously honest in all my affairs." One thing I was not rigorously honest about was waffling about my definition of masturbation; that can be found in an earlier post.

I believe I finally now have a definition of sobriety which will truly work for me. Some in the program will not agree with it; some will say that I am not maintaining sobriety at all. It definitely does not meet the strictest definition, from Sexaholics Anonymous: No sex with self or anyone other than a spouse. But with this definition, I believe I can be honest and consistent in all my affairs, and not fall into unmanageability.

I have realized so much in the last 48 hours, and I am still realizing it. An ongoing epiphany. One realization is that I believed that my secret life, my dishonesty, was caused by addiction and my desire to pursue my desires behind my wife's back. That's partially true, but now I also realize that it's also the other way around: The secrecy triggered the unmanageability of my addiction. As long as I was maintaining a secret life, I was totally alone: NO ONE knew the whole story, not even my best friend from kindergarten that I supposedly tell everything to. And being alone and telling lies of commission or omission to EVERYONE was too frightening to handle, so I ran for comfort in my addiction, which I had to keep secret ... and the snowball grew as it rolled down the hill into a bottomless abyss.

I think maybe I even became addicted to secrecy -- at least it became a way of life. And that may be part of the reason that I cheated on my lover, who was giving me the companionship, affection, sex and fetish behavior which I have craved for years. In the past month I have on several occasions literally screamed, "Why did I do this to her?" (And to myself.) And I honestly did not have a shred of explanation! I may never know entirely why I destroyed the best relationship I ever had. But now maybe I have part of the answer: I was addicted to secrecy, and felt some perverse need to keep secrets from her, even though I had no reason to.

So here is the absolute truth: I have a spanking fetish, which I first engaged in when I was six years old. In my fetish, the spanking is consensual, not as forced punishment; therefore I virtually never spanked my children, and the few times I did so I realized that I could not do so because of the potential conflict of interest. My fetish is about the "voluntary relinquishment of control" (my phrase) that a spankee gifts to the spanker. They share this intimacy, this exploration of the line between pain and pleasure and the point at which the two become indistinguishable -- and that place is one of true sharing and intimacy, despite what professionals have told me to the contrary.

I don't know if I was born with this fetish or acquired it, but I believe that it is unlikely to ever go away. So this was one of my key reservations with my program of recovery. In inpatient treatment they told me that my fetish was sexualizing childhood trauma which I experienced, and that being in recovery meant no longer pursuing the fetish. Maybe they are right, in a perfect and simplistic world. But I know what I am INSIDE, and I cannot and will not deny that spanking is part of who I am. Maybe that's powerlessness: I have an overriding need to engage in this behavior. But that does not mean it has to be unmanageable.

It is manageable as part of a consensual, committed, monogamous relationship.

That meant it was not manageable in my marriage because my wife did not want to engage in spanking, though she did at one point make a loving attempt to accommodate my fetish. So I went outside the marriage for spanking -- not for sex acts, though I admit they occasionally occurred. And that destroyed my marriage. I am sad about that -- she's a wonderful woman whom I miss. But I knew that was going to happen eventually, and in a way it was a relief (or so I thought) that I could pursue my fetish and not have to live the secret life anymore.

So I met my lover through a spanking site. At first our encounters were platonic, while I was still living at home with my wife as my marriage disintegrated. That is, they were as platonic as an encounter can be when the woman is bare-bottomed over the man's knee. That was adultery in my wife's eyes, and I understand that. But to my future lover and I, we were clearly not engaging in a sex act.

Once I moved out of the house into my own apartment, my lover and I began dating. It did become romantic, and it did include sex. She hadn't been the only one I was chatting with online, and I did not stop chatting with those people -- or stop trying to line up new spanking partners. I told my lover from the beginning that I planned to spank others, and at first she was OK with it, so in that sense I was being honest. And I only spanked one woman during this love affair, and my lover actually helped set that up! But I also told my lover that I was not actively seeking others, when I really was. So I was continuing to engage in unmanageable behavior -- that is, secrecy -- and it was only a matter of time before I got caught, just as my wife had caught me several times before.

This is where my addict's "stinkin' thinkin'" took over. I told myself that as long as I did not actually spank anyone without her knowledge, that what I was doing (playing online) was OK. And that thinking became even more twisted as our love affair developed. I realized that it would be wrong for me to have secret encounters with other women, but my addict told me it would be OK to have secret encounters with men! That I would not be cheating because she would still be the only woman that I was spanking or having sex with! I had always been bi-curious, as are most people at some point in their lives, and my addict decided that this was the time to find out what it was like. So I did pursue encounters with men, both for spanking and for oral sex. I had three over a period of several months. I didn't enjoy them, and by last summer I stopped. At first I went back to trying to meet women online who were into spanking, but in August I stopped that behavior, too. I was deeply in love, and my lover was fulfilling my fetish. And she also was expressing grave concern about her prior agreement that it would be OK for me to spank others. The spanking which she helped set up and witnessed disturbed her greatly; it was the intimacy of it that she did not want me to share. We argued about this on several occasions, and it became contentious enough that it was a possible deal-breaker. I did not want to give up that "freedom," even though I had no one in mind, and had not enjoyed the one spanking that my lover witnessed, and most of all that my lover was the best spankee I had ever been with or could ever imagine.

In early September, we went away on a romantic Labor Day holiday that included no sex because she was on her period. We had a wonderful platonic time, and I came to the conclusion that I could live the rest of my life without engaging in spanking or sex with another person. But I did not tell her that; in my cautious way, I wanted to think about it for a while to make sure. Then it all fell apart when she found emails I had written to both men and women, and she broke up with me. This was the great irony, that I had quit the behavior. But on the other hand, if she had not found out, then I would have had to harbor that secret about what I had done -- and would have yet another relationship that did not include rigorous honesty.

And that is my most triggering behavior: I hold secrets, I feel guilty and alone, I act out. The Great Truth for me is this: If I tell the truth, my life is manageable.

It seems so simple, but this is the issue that goes back to childhood trauma; I was accused of so many things that the truth did not matter. I was screamed at for things I did and things I didn't do, and the truth had no place in it. So I lost sight of the value of truth. Now it has come flooding back.

This is the hope I have for my lover and me: That she will realize how I have changed, that I would never lie to her again, neither lies of commission nor lies of omission. That she COULD trust me, because I am not the same person I was a few weeks ago (or even a few days ago).

Of course, that would take, as she told me the last time we communicated, a "leap of faith" that she wasn't sure she could make. I would be sad if she decides not to try, but I would understand. I did betray her, I did hurt her deeply, and how does she know that I have changed, other than what I say and do -- and I was good at hiding and lying before (though not good enough to avoid being caught).

If she decides not to try again, then I will go on; as I say in one of my three new affirmations: "I release the guilt and shame" of what I did to her. To hang on to it, as I have for the past month, was destroying me.

My next relationship, whether with her (hopefully) or someone else, will be built on rigorous honesty -- and will include spanking. That is my truth, and to live a rigorously honest life, I must not hide that fact from the incredible men who have helped me with recovery. And if some of them in 12-step decide that means I am not sober, then so be it. But here (finally) is my definition of sobriety:

1. I live a life of rigorous honesty in all my affairs.
2. All fetish and sexual activity with others will be in the context of a consensual committed monogamous relationship.

And today is Day One.

Hope

Temptation returns (day 16 of sobriety)

WARNING: This entry gets a little bit graphic. I truly apologize if anyone is triggered.


This seems to be the time of day for me now. I've always been an early riser, but 3 or 4 is ridiculous. Yet I haven't been able to fall back asleep these last two weeks, and this usually is a productive time....

Well, I knew this lack of lust would not stay with me long. I was very tempted yesterday to act out. I almost did. It wasn't desire that tempted me; it was emotional pain. I feel so guilty, so ashamed, so remorseful, so depressed, so SAD ... that I feel like I can't stand it. That I have to do something to STOP it. And the endorphins of orgasm are my drug of choice, of course. I really really wanted to masturbate, to feel better, even for a few moments. And the conversation in my head, usually two voices, this time had three:

Needy me: If you do that, you'll never get her back! You have to prove to her that you are serious about sobriety.

Recovery me: A woman is not the reason to stay sober, not the motivation to get sober. You need to do this for YOU.

Addict me: What's wrong with feeling better for a moment? This hurts too much!

These three voices were banging around in my head, and I thought: Well, let's rank the arguments. And here was the rank I had in that moment:

1. I am in unbearable pain
2. I miss my ex-lover so much.
3. I need to get healthy.

So I put my hand on myself. And God intervened. No erection. Not even a hint of one. Then came the three voices:

Needy me: Maybe you're older than you thought. Maybe you've gone impotent. She'll never take you back now.

Addict me: You can do it! You better prove you still can do it! You deserve to feel better!

Recovery me: God has stilled your blood flow to that member.

So ... I stopped.

But then ... it occurred to me that a few moments of touching could be considered a violation of sobriety. After all, technically I WAS masturbating. And part of my commitment to myself is to not "run for comfort," whether it's orgasm or ice cream. Yet I've had ice cream in the last 15 days. So is that a violation of my sobriety? LOL

I realized that I needed to better define this for myself. I actually looked up a few words in the dictionary: celibacy, chastity, abstinence. All referred to not engaging in sexual intercourse. Bill Clinton's definition! "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." Then he could claim that he did not purjer himself because he did not have sexual INTERCOURSE. And that's the mind-bending definition a lot of people use today. (Thanks, Bill!) Which certainly allows for a lot of sexual activity, both with another and with oneself!

But Bill Clinton's definition is ridiculous. NO ORGASMS: That's my definition. No orgasms until I'm divorced, whenever that is. There's a preliminary court hearing soon, and I have a sneaky suspicion I'm going to be blind-sided.

Stay on the issue! No orgasms, that's for sure. But what about intentional touching for pleasure, for COMFORT???????!!!!! So I better redefine my commitment more specifically: NO INTENTIONAL ERECTIONS. OK, that's good. But what about intentional touching that stops when the erection begins?

WAIT! This is my addict at work. Trying to muddy the waters. Bringing up technicalities, loopholes, reservations. I learned in inpatient treatment how to recognize when I am running from my feelings, and I acquired tools to STOP IT. As quickly as possible. GET YOUR HAND AWAY FROM THERE!!! LOL But I'm not resetting sobriety for that. Whew. Glad I've got that settled. Because there's another major issue:

My fetish. My fetish is physical punishment, both administering and receiving. It's my fetish for varied and complicated reasons which I am not going to explore this morning. But my reason to receive it is to release emotional pain, to turn it into physical pain, which for me (and many others) is easier to deal with than emotional pain.

I deeply feel that need now. This constant ache in the pit of my stomach, this constant low-grade headache, this constant nerve-tingling anxiety -- are all PHYSICAL feelings that are extremely uncomfortable. So why not turn it into one big explosion of physical pain and get rid of it?

Needy me: I need to be punished for what I've done.

Addict me: You'll feel better afterwards.

Recovery me: You have to fully FEEL your feelings in order to deal with them.

So I spent the day yesterday filled with two seemingly conflicting desires: I wanted pleasure, and I wanted pain.

With God's help, I will turn away from both these artifical and momentary comforts. True comfort does not come in a moment. In fact, the path to true comfort has 12 steps.

A new beginning (day 13 of sobriety)

Well, a lot has happened in the last couple days. The upshot is no more contact with my ex-lover until my divorce is final. And while I know I will miss even texting with her, this is best for the mental health of us both. And surprisingly, I feel a sense of relief. It's over, it's truly over after two weeks of me fighting against that. I'm not even going to think about the off-chance of us getting back together. And I can take all the time I have focused on her -- both before our breakup and after -- and put it toward the program, toward sobriety.

On Sunday night, a text conversation with her ended badly, with her crying hysterically on the phone. I had left her a voice mail -- a mistake, since she had asked me not to call. But texting is so frustrating for me; I have a number pad and fat thumbs; she has a keyboard and little thumbs. I could not keep up with her. I'd be trying to respond to one text and she would send me three more! Of course, I now realize she probably didn't need any response from me; she needed to express her anger and sense of betrayal. But in my frustration I called; she did not answer; I left a voice mail asking if we could communicate another way -- like chat.

Five minutes after the text conversation ended, she called in hysterics. She was crying so hard that I couldn't understand anything other than that she had listened to my voice mail and wished that she hadn't, that she had just deleted it. She got off the phone; I was stunned. What had I said? I couldn't even fully remember. But I was terribly worried about her, and sent her an email suggesting ways she could get help.

She emailed back yesterday saying she felt much better, and that just hearing my voice had set her off. We emailed back and forth and agreed that we should stop communicating until I am divorced -- except for her sharing the results of her STD tests, which she was scheduled to get yesterday.

Yes, she feared I had given her an STD through my cheating. For some reason, I am confident that I do not have an STD, but that might just be my addict talking.

So all day yesterday I worried about the results. If she were HIV positive, I would hate myself forever. I wasn't even thinking about what that would mean for me!

I went to a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting at noon yesterday, and just broke down during my share, expressing my fear that I may have damaged her physically as well as emotionally. I told the group I didn't think I could handle that. They shared phone numbers and urged me to call if I got bad news. When 5 p.m. passed, I figured I would have to wait another day to find out.

I was busy and didn't see it until after 9, but at 6:01 p.m. she sent the last text I will probably ever get from her: "All tests were negative." I guess that's about the best news one could receive in a final text.

I wish her healing. I wish her Godspeed.

I believe I can stop worrying about her. She's a strong lady; eventually she'll get over what I did to her.

We did agree that when my divorce is final, I will contact her. For what? Who knows. I can't be worrying about that either. It's all about sobriety and managing my day-to-day life. And learning to live without a romantic relationship. Maybe, if I'm lucky, even enjoying it occasionally.

Hope

Sleep (day 10 of sobriety)

I've been sleeping poorly, 3-5 hours a night. Then exhausted all day, but can't take a nap. Guilty conscience, I guess. But the last two nights I did get in bed, where my lover and I slept together, instead of curling up in my late father's Lazy Boy. I wrote a few days ago that it would be a milestone in my grief recovery when I could actually get into the bed that she and I shared. Well, I have done that ... and it doesn't feel like a milestone at all.

Last night I did a telephone meeting. It was an SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) Step Study, so we read the 9th step (being the 9th month). I'm on step 4, but steps 8-9 have similarities to 4-5 -- you make lists and share them. The part I read out loud from the book included this passage (page 51): "Our apologies will be seen as sincere only when it becomes evident that we now live differently."

So I've been living differently for 10 days. Why hasn't she accepted my apology? When put that way, it seems truly ridiculous, doesn't it? Even my thinking in sobriety is sometimes ridiculous, but not insane like it is while I'm acting out. But I have always been bad with patience. I've wound up with some bad consequences because I pushed the issue and was not willing to wait for a decision from someone else. That's part of my control issue; I don't like someone else having control over me, so I push for a decision even though I know I can get a better outcome by waiting. This goes back to family of origin issues, when I had no control over my life and experienced severe emotional abuse.

This time I am going to wait at least until my divorce is final. Yes, readers, I am pining over a lost love while I am still married to someone else. I'm a sex addict, remember? My commitment is to celibacy and no dating until the divorce is final, which will be sometime in November or December. I hope my girlfriend will still be single then, and will see me. Just a cup of coffee or something. Just to lay eyes on her again.

Even that's somewhat of an impatient attitude, probably. But that's about the maturity level of my patience, and that's a huge jump from what it once was.

The next sentence I read in the SA book says: "Often it takes longer for the people hurt by our behavior to trust us again than it takes for us to make significant progress in our recovery."

Yikes! More patience needed!

I really don't like the next sentence: "In some cases, trust may never be restored."

That gives me a pain in the pit of my stomach. But I have to keep reminding myself: This is not about getting her back; this is about changing my life.

Speaking of changing my life: I haven't told a lie in several weeks (since well before the breakup). It feels really good. Of course I could be lying about not lying. But I'm not. But I can't prove I'm not. People have to trust that I'm telling the truth. And there lies the rub; I've broken their trust, so why should they believe me this time? Only by grace. Maybe it will help them feel grace toward me when they see me working the program so hard. I can hope for that. But there is no cause and effect for grace. That's what grace is: forgiveness bestowed even though it is undeserved. That's asking a lot. God does it, but it's a lot harder for humans. Yet my lover is a woman of grace; I've seen that throughout our relationship.

So ... work the program. Be patient. Focus on sobriety, not her. And whatever her answer, whenever she is ready to give it, I must make sure it has no effect on my sobriety. That's the key. If the answer is no, feel the pain ... and stay sober. If the answer is yes, feel the joy ... and stay sober. If the answer is "I don't know yet," feel the confusion ... and stay sober.

Hey, I think there might be a pattern here!

Hope

A conversation with myself

Remorseful me: It's Friday evening, and I should be driving to her house right now to spend the weekend with her.

Recovery me: But you can't.

Remorseful me: This seems like a bad dream.

Recovery me: But it's reality.

Remorseful me: How could I have done those things to her?

Recovery me: You have a disease.

Remorseful me: But it makes no sense! I cheated on a woman who was giving me great sex!

Recovery me: Unfortunately, there is no logic to addiction. When in active addiction, we do things we don't really want to do. We are powerless.

Remorseful me: I didn't even enjoy it!

Recovery me: Well, that's good news.

Remorseful me: It doesn't feel like it. I destroyed a relationship for no reason, doing something that I didn't enjoy.

Recovery me: Sounds crazy, doesn't it?

Remorseful me: It IS crazy.

Recovery me: This disease is cunning, baffling, powerful and patient.

Remorseful me: I feel so bad. I just want to go back in time and fix this.

Recovery me: But you can't.

Remorseful me: Can't she just forgive me?

Recovery me: She can't forgive you right now. She's too hurt.

Remorseful me: But I've learned my lesson. I swear it!

Recovery me: That may be so. But you also need time to work the program.

Remorseful me: I want her back right now.

Recovery me: You can't have that.

Remorseful me: I'm so lonely.

Recovery me: Yes.

Remorseful me: I can't stand it.

Recovery me: Actually you can. Sit with that feeling. Allow yourself to feel it.

Remorseful me: But it hurts!

Recovery me: Yes.

Remorseful me: It hurts too much! I need it to go away.

Recovery me: That's how you got here. By running from your feelings.

Remorseful me: Who wants to feel this pain?

Recovery me: Nobody. But it's there, and it's real, and hiding from it or masking it with your addiction does not make it go away. It remains. Maybe even gets worse.

Remorseful me: I can't feel any worse than this.

Recovery me: Then that's good. It means you've hit bottom. You're finally ready to surrender, to quit believing that you can manage this addiction.

Remorseful me: I just want her back; I'd do anything to get her back.

Recovery me: But there is nothing you can do. You have to let go.

Remorseful me: I don't want to! We loved each other! We had a future together!

Recovery me: Yes. But now you are here. Now. Without her. And you are sober.

Remorseful me: And in incredible pain.

Recovery me: And sober.

Remorseful me: And all alone.

Recovery me: And sober.

Remorseful me: So that's all there is? Sobriety?

Recovery me: That's the beginning.

Remorseful me: But I need more than that. I need love!

Recovery me: You need love in recovery. And when you find that, it will be so much more than love in addiction.

Remorseful me: I'll never find anyone as good as her.

Recovery me: What you will find is that when you are truly sober, you can love more, and allow yourself to be loved more.

Remorseful me: I just hurt so bad. I just want someone to hold me. I just want her to hold me.

Recovery me: You can't have her hold you, but you can have someone.

Remorseful me: Who?

Recovery me: Someone in the program. Make a phone call.

Remorseful me: That's all guys. I want to be held by a woman.

Recovery me: That's probably not advisable right now. You have trouble distinguishing between affection and sex.

Remorseful me: So a guy's going to hold me and let me cry in his arms?

Recovery me: There are guys in the program who love you, who would do that.

Remorseful me: It's just not the same.

Recovery me: No, it's not. There's no sexual component.

Remorseful me: If I could just tell her how sorry I am, how much I love her.

Recovery me: Actually, you've done that. It didn't get her back.

Remorseful me: What will?

Recovery me: Nothing.

Remorseful me: I don't want to hear that.

Recovery me: Then you don't want to hear the truth.

Remorseful me: There's no chance for us ever getting back together?

Recovery me: Nobody can say that. None of us knows the future.

Remorseful me: So maybe there is a chance?

Recovery me: Who knows? Are you going to live your life on the off-chance that she forgives you, or are you going to do what you need to do in the here and now.

Remorseful me: I hate the here and now. It sucks. It hurts.

Recovery me: And yet you are sober, and working the program, going to meetings, making phone calls, getting into therapy, reading the literature, working the steps, praying.

Remorseful me: It's not that those things make me feel any better. I just don't know what else to do.

Recovery me: Exactly. So do what you know how to do. Work the program. And in time you will feel better.

Remorseful me: How do you know that?

Recovery me: Because others have come before you. And they do feel better.

Remorseful me: Even without their lovers?

Recovery me: On their own. Even without their lovers.

Remorseful me: I wish I could feel better quicker. I need to feel better NOW.

Recovery me: It doesn't work that way. It takes time as well as work.

Remorseful me: How much time?

Recovery me: It's different for each person. No one can say.

Remorseful me: So I have to keep feeling bad for some undetermined period of time?

Recovery me: Yes. Feel your feelings. Work the program.

Remorseful me: That's it?

Recovery me: Uh huh.

Remorseful me: No magic cure?

Recovery me: No.

Remorseful me: You haven't made me feel any better.

Recovery me: But I've told you the truth.

Remorseful me: Small consolation.

Recovery me: Large consolation. Finally, finally, you are being honest with yourself. And with everyone else.

Remorseful me: But I don't feel any better!

Recovery me: But you are getting better. No more secret life.

Remorseful me: No more secret life. I am so sick of living that way.

Recovery me: You're sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

Remorseful me: Yes. I just don't understand why it has taken me so long to learn this. Why I had to make the same mistakes over and over again. Why I had to hurt people whom I love.

Recovery me: It's one horrible disease.

Remorseful me: I feel so ashamed.

Recovery me: I know. And yet you are sober.

Remorseful me: You keep saying that.

Recovery me: Because it's true. And so important. You are in as much pain as you have ever been in, and yet you are not running for the comfort of sex addiction, like you used to.

Remorseful me: As bad as I feel, I'm surprised I haven't acted out.

Recovery me: It's not happenstance that you haven't.

Remorseful me: No?

Recovery me: It's a sign, my friend. A sign that you are ready. That you have surrendered. That you are on the road to recovery.

Remorseful me: I just wish it felt better than this.

Recovery me: I know. Come here. Let me give you a hug.

Remorseful me: You?

Recovery me: Yes, me. Me. The me you have always wanted to be. The me you can be. The "real" you.

Remorseful me: You are the real me?

Recovery me: Yes.

Remorseful me: Thanks for the hug.

Recovery me: You're welcome. You are always always welcome.

Remorseful me: And I will start to feel better, sooner or later?

Recovery me: Yes. You are already getting better, and soon you will start feeling better.

Remorseful me: I'm going to hold you to that.

Recovery me: Fine. Now, my friend ... let's go to a meeting.

Remorseful me: That I can do. Even in all this pain, that I can do.

Goodbye, Woody? (day 9 of sobriety)

Since I made my new commitment to sobriety on Sept. 16, I have not awakened with an erection. An early morning "woody" was very typical for me, at least every other day. I have never gone without one this long. What does it mean? That my mind is right? Or that I've suddenly gotten old? (The former, I hope....)

Hope

The miracle of spiritual change

I'm hesitant to talk about this, because some will doubt and some will think I'm sort of going against the 12-step program. But here goes:

For many addicts, the spiritual change required for long-term sobriety is a difficult process that hopefully occurs during steps 1, 2 and 3, but maybe later. But for others, the spiritual change can come in a heartbeat. And that's what happened to me last week.

Those who have read the Big Book know that AA Founder Bill W. experienced a miraculous change -- and never drank again. Of course, this followed many failed attempts. But here's what Bill W. writes about the moment: "...the effect was electric. There was a sense of victory, followed by such a peace and serenity as I had never known. There was utter confidence. I felt lifted up, as though the great clean wind of a mountain top blew through and through. God comes to some men gradually, but His impact on me was sudden and profound."

That's not to say that one doesn't have to keep working the program, of course. For the rest of his life Bill worked the program, for himself and others. But I hear a lot of addicts unwilling to even consider that they might have "utter confidence." Maybe that's because they don't, or maybe it's because they are stuck in the "one day at a time" rut. Yes, I believe in taking sobriety one day at a time. But can I also have utter but humble confidence in my ability to stay sober? And have that confidence because of a true spiritual awakening? Yes, I can. And I do.

Bold words for someone with eight days of sobriety. But last Wednesday I was touched by God. Please excuse the next part for being a little graphic; I certainly don't mean to trigger anybody.

My ex-girlfriend broke up with me 10 days ago. She wrote me an email on a Monday explaining how she had found out about my affairs, but I didn't see it until early Tuesday morning, and then we talked on the phone at 5 a.m. I was overwhelmed with guilt and grief. The next day (Wednesday), desperate for comfort, I turned to my "drug of choice": Masturbation. But for the first time, it did not work. I felt no pleasure and no comfort. And lying there after "finishing," I received a distinct message: Orgasm will never again work for you for comfort or escape. Sex is for intimacy and procreation.

And in that moment, I felt healed. I know, I know, I'm a sex addict for life; it's a disease that's managed, not cured. But I cannot deny that I felt healed. As the doctor writes in the Big Book: "Once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire...."

That's me! You can laugh and say, "Yeah, for eight days." But I expect to be writing the same thing in eight months and eight years.

The last week has been a roller coaster of emotions because I miss my girlfriend so and feel so guilty for hurting her and destroying our relationship. But I am not on a sobriety roller coaster. I have had absolutely no desire to masturbate or to seek a sex partner or to look at porn. To me, this is a miracle of the Holy Spirit. But you don't have to be religious to believe in "psychic change" or "utter confidence."

It's taken me a week to process what truly happened in that moment, and to be ready to share it. The first person I told was my girlfriend, via email. She had no response. It would be pretty hard for anybody to believe and trust a week after finding out what I did. Maybe she never will. Or maybe she will someday. Either way, I will be sober. I do believe in miracles!

Hope

I got to hear her voice (day 8 of sobriety)

My beloved ex-girilfriend actually called me today! Nothing even close to making up, but just to hear her voice was a blessing. She called to apologize for something she had done which I just found out about; while pretty serious, it does not compare to what I did to her. But she is such a woman of Grace!

We talked for quite a while, including about our respective work. It was almost like old times. But then she said she was beginning to get upset, and she quickly got off the phone. It was right after I told her that I am committed to celibacy and not dating until my divorce is final. But I don't know if that had anything to do with it. As we were endin the call I told her I love her, which she probably doesn't want to hear, but i can't help saying it! I felt sad and bad that once again a phone call with her ended with her being upset. That is never my intent. I hope she is OK.

Just to hear her voice, just to hear her voice ... Thank You, God!

This morning I met with a therapist about joining his group, and I will do so on Tuesday. It will be good for me to be back in a therapy group. I was in one before, but I lied to them on a couple occasions when I didn't want to admit my acting out. This time I will be totally honest. I AM totally honest, maybe for the first time.

I have much more to write but I have a lot of work to do. Maybe later tonight!

Hope

90 in 90 (day 7 of sobriety)

I'm doing a modified version of 90 meetings in 90 days -- I'm counting church. I know that makes it unofficial, but I've chosen to do this on my own; when I left Keystone, 90 in 90 was a mandate of the program.

Tonight's church service was powerful. I sang and played congas. There was a long testimony by a woman whose son was accosted by a gun-toting gang outside her house. She went out there and helped talk the gang out of killing them all! And she attributed it to the prayers that church members had been saying for her.

I was sort of depressed most of the day. Then late afternoon when I got home, there was an email from my ex-girlfriend. Boosted my spirits without even reading it. It wasn't to me; she had forwarded her response to one of my friends who had written her. (I didn't ask him to). All she said to me was: fyi. But both letters were beautifully written; it was evident they had both put a lot of effort into it, and just that consoled me -- that she (and my friend) care enough to write such a letter.

She talked about the difficulty of ever trusting me again, and I totally understand that. She knows more about addiction and codependency than I thought. She said that when I am in active addiction it is not the real me., which is definitely true. She also expressed concern about her behavior which might have been codependent, and my unwillingness to point it out.

Mostly, though, she is angry: that she has to get tested to see if I gave her an STD; that I didn't confess about the relapse; that the relapse was going on behind her back throughout our relationship. Pretty damning stuff.

But then she wrote, "It's very possible that my feelings will change with time." In other words there's still a chance for us! My heart soared, but it quickly settled. I can have that hope, but not live in it; I need to focus on sobriety and the program.

Here are some things I am doing:
Praying every morning and evening
Doing a 12-step or church meeting every day
Making at least three program phone calls a day
Installed a porn blocker
Am meeting with a therapist who runs a group for sex addicts
Ordered a recommended book called "Voice of the Heart"
Called my Keystone therapist
Continued work on step 4

The time I spent in intrigue I now spend in the program. Of course I have a lot more time on my hands, since my girlfriend and I were together every weekend.

Until tomorrow,
Hope

I'm sorry

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

If I say it enough times, will it make a difference? Will you believe it? Will you forgive?
I fear not.

Reality sets in (day 6 of sobriety)

Today is a week since my wonderful girlfriend dumped me. It's been such a rollercoaster. We actually spent several hours together on Saturday; I didn't think she would see me, but she agreed to. And we have texted a lot. Mostly she wanted two things: To know why -- which I can't explain because I don't know myself, other than that I am powerless over my addiction; and secondly, to express her anger, which she has done rather thoroughly. Last night she expressed anger about something I wrote on this blog, though I am making sure not to give information that would identify us. I haven't heard from her at all today. I still hold out hope that we might reunite some day, but I know it is extremely unlikely. I need to move on under the assumption that we will not get back together -- maybe even that I will never see her or hear from her again. Just work my program. And if that leads to getting back with her, it will be a joyous surprise. And if it doesn't, well I will have my sobriety! I do wish her well, though. And will always hold a place for her in my heart.

A few minutes ago I downloaded SafeEyes onto my computer. It's set to block all porn sites. When I got out of Keystone and was trying to make it work with my wife, we downloaded BeSafeOnline. But it malfunctioned so badly -- I couldn't even get to email that I needed for work, so we took it off. Of course that was codependent behavior; there are alternatives, and SafeEyes has the best reputation. But I've gone more than a year without a blocker, allowing me to access porn at will. Tonight I'm glad that I can't. But who knows how I'll feel tomorrow.

I did a telephone 12-step meeting of Keystone alumni tonight. There were only four of us on the call, but the shares were good. The reading was from the "white book" -- The Sexaholics Anonymous book. We read the definition of lust: "an attitude demanding that a natural instinct serve unnatural desires." In other words, sexual desire is natural, but lust creates an unnatural instinct to use sex to "reduce isolation, loneliness, fear, tension, or to cover our emotions, make us feel alive, help us escape...." I use sex for ALL those things, and not only that, it seems natural and normal to do so! Tense? Have an orgasm. Lonely? Have an orgasm. Feeling down? Have an orgasm! What's wrong with that; doesn't everybody do that? Well ... no, apparently not. Some people have sex ONLY to experience intimacy with a loved one. I do that, sure. But these people don't also have sex for all those other "unnatural" purposes? Hard to believe, but I guess it's true.

Lust, according to SA, is not physical, it's spiritual. It's the attitude of "not being able to say no." I certainly had that during my recent aborted love affair. Now here's the part that really got to me, that I don't remember reading before (though I have read the book cover to cover twice): Lust "seems to be a spiritual force that distorts instincts; and whenever let loose in one area, seems to want to infect other areas as well. And being nonsexual, lust crosses all lines, INCLUDING GENDER."

So this is why I had oral sex with men even though I am not bi? Sex that I absolutely did not enjoy? That disgusted me? I wish I had remembered this passage when my girlfriend asked me how I could possibly have done sex acts with guys.

So ... time to try to go to sleep in my chair. I haven't been able to sleep in the double bed where my girlfriend would join me on weekends. So I sleep in this Lazy Boy that I inherited from my Dad when he died 15 years ago. And he had it for at least a decade. It still seems to be in perfect shape. It comforts me, my Dad's chair. Encloses me in a way a bed cannot. I wasn't that close to my Dad until very late in his life; he was an extremely demanding and difficult father. But his chair, it comforts me. Still ... it will be a milestone in my grief when I can sleep in my bed. Where she slept with me. Where we made love and cuddled and had long loving talks.

My God, what have I done to her? And to myself?

I abhor addiction. May God strike it from me.

codependent

The wonderful woman I drove away does arts and crafts. She made me a picture of three animals posing as "hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil." The co-dependents' creed!

This was totally innocent; she knew nothing about codependency at the time. I didn't get it either, when she gave me a couple choices and asked me what I preferred. I picked that one. So ironic. The subconscious works in mysterious ways....

It's hanging on my wall, one of the few things I have from her. Now when I go by it I think of her, and also think to make sure that she (if she takes me back) or any future partner truly understands codependency. One of the reasons my marriage ended is that my ex-wife absolutely refused to recognize that she had participated in my addiction in any manner.

Hope

Would I forgive if the roles were reversed? (day 5)

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Spirituality -- 12-step and church

As I have thrown myself back into the 12-step program, I also have thrown myself back into church. My church focuses a lot on getting in touch with God (higher power), believing that God can help us (step 2), and learning how to surrender our will (step 3). Our church also believes in forgiveness and second chances. Virtually everything our pastor says is compatible with 12-step.

I feel closest to God when performing music. So today I asked to officially join the Praise team. I had been playing and singing with them informally for a few months; I used to solo at this church before I started attending somewhere else for family reasons. But i missed this church so much because it is so celebratory and nonjudgmental, so when I moved out of the family home, I started attending again.

Tonight's praise team rehearsal was just awesome. I could really feel God's presence in me. I'm not very good at taking care of myself, of finding fun HEALTHY things to do. Sex Addicts Anonymous has this chart of three circles: The inner circle is your "bottom lines," the activities that you cannot do without violating sobriety. The middle circle are behaviors, places, activities, people that could possibly lead to a violation of a bottom line. And the outer circle includes things that are good for the addict, healthy activities that lead the addict away from the inner circle. Music and church are definitely in my outer circle. Praise God!

celibacy (day 4)

I have decided to follow the Sexaholics Anonymous definition of sobriety until my divorce is final. That group has the strictest definition of sobriety of the five S-groups -- which as I understand it fractured over two issues: The definition of sobriety and whether unmarried couples (including homosexual couples) can be sober.

SA states that sobriety means no sex with oneself or with anyone other than a spouse. So that eliminates all unmarried couples, and all gay couples, even the ones who have been able to get married, because SA states that a spouse is a partner in a marriage between a man and a woman. Many addicts find that restriction highly discriminatory. But the other way -- setting with the help of one's sponsor individual "bottom lines" that are the behaviors that would cause sobriety to be reset -- can have some inherent dangers. In my case, it was easy to "straddle" a bottom line without crossing it; for instance, I'm not supposed to look at porn on the internet, but what if my girlfriend knows about it and is fine with it and even looks at it with me? Does her innocently codependent behavior enable me (in my head) to violate a bottom line? That's just what happened. Of course, I also did things that she didn't know about that were clear violations, like cheating on her with men. In my sick thinking, my addict convinced me that it wasn't so bad because I wasn't seeing any women, which is what she had expressed concern about. As if she wouldn't have expressed concern about men if she had known it was even a possibility! But that's the "stinkin' thinkin'" of the addict. (I'm not bisexual but i had the urge to experiment, and in particular to seek humiliation to satisfy my self-loathing. It was NOT enjoyable sexually.)

I was celibate for 90 days after exiting Keystone, though I had a couple slips and had to start the 90 days over. So actually, I had three orgasms in six and a half months, dating from when I entered the Keystone treatment center. I never believed that could be possible, after orgasming daily since the age of 14. And the last 90 days of that was continuous -- even though I was married and could have had sex within SA's definition of sobriety! But Keystone believes that sex for us addicts is literally a drug, that we are feeding off the endorphins and adrenaline, and that we have to let our brain go through withdrawal from these chemicals (at least from sex sources). So my wife and I were celibate -- she actually had NO orgasms during the six and a half months! And that was good for our marriage as we did a lot more talking and worked on emotional intimacy. Eventually the marriage didn't work out -- our codependencies were too intermeshed -- but that's for another post.

My new celibacy began Thursday, Sept. 16, 2010. I masturbated on Wednesday, seeking comfort from the breakup which occurred early Tuesday morning. So Thursday counts, making today day 4. I do not know when the divorce will be final, sometime this fall. So it may or may not be 90 days. Regardless, I see it as a milestone, that I am then truly free to date. I shouldn't have been dating during my divorce -- my therapists at Keystone warned me about that, as did guys in the program -- but I met this wonderful woman and neither of us could help ourselves. Now, it will be cleaner. I hope we keep in contact and hope we might start dating again after my divorce, that she will be able to forgive me for cheating on her, and I will be able to prove the kind of boyfriend I can be. But that's not my primary purpose here; whether she marries me or never speaks to be again or anything in between, my job is to truly and fully engage in the program, establish sobriety, work the steps and finally, finally stop letting my small head do most of my thinking! Then, and only then, can I have a healthy romance.

Hope