Divorce (day 22)

I haven't posted in a while, even though a lot has happened. Not sure why, I just didn't feel like it. I hope to make several posts in the next couple of days.

At the hearing on Nov. 4, we actually reached a settlement. The judge told the four of us -- two attorneys and my wife and I -- to go into a conference room and talk. Within half an hour we were done. This is what I had been asking for for months -- a mediation-type thing.

I gave in on almost everything; I get all the debt and she gets half my retirement. But I don't resent it; I just wanted it to be over.

Now, 9 days later, I'm still waiting to see the actual order that she and I have to sign. It's a done deal -- we went into the courtroom and agreed to it before the judge -- but it's not official until the order is signed. Then I give her more than $100,000! It's only money!

I hope the order comes through soon -- because on that day I can contact my lover and see if there is any chance of a relationship. I'm scared and worried about that day, but I also am ready for it to happen. Tired of waiting to know for sure. Though I am already pretty certain; I emailed her on the 4th and told her that my wife and I had reached a settlement and the divorce would be final soon. I wasn't really supposed to do that -- I was supposed to wait to talk with my lover after the divorce is final -- but I just couldn't help myself. I was excited and relieved that the marriage truly is finally over.

But ... I think if there were any chance with my lover, she would have responded -- "Glad to hear it, talk with you soon," or some such thing -- but she did not. Silence. Which speaks volumes. But I shouldn't be "future-tripping" about this, as they say at the Keystone treatment center.

It's been 9 days and I don't feel any differently; I so want to talk with my lover, even if she shuts me down. If she says she never wants to see or talk to me again, I'll be really sad. And guilty for cheating on her. But I also will be able to move on. She's not the only woman in the world for me, though she's the one I most want.

One of my program friends says that I shouldn't just call her; I should email her and ask her to call me. Then she can do it in her own way and time. I am going to do that ... but I fear she won't call, that she might just email me saying it's over, or not respond at all. I really really would like to hear her voice again; I hope she'll offer me that grace.

Future-tripping again. And assuming. Maybe she's going to say she's still in love with me and she wants to get back together. That would be one of the happiest days of my life, right up with there with my marriage and the "births" of my children. (Two are adopted, which is why "births" is in quotes.)

Wow. I'm still future-tripping. Positive or negative, it's still future-tripping, and that's not living in the here and now. It's all going to happen, in God's time and God's way. I should just leave it at that, but I can't. I don't know how to stop speculating, worrying, wishing, praying, and hoping. Especially that. I am filled with ...

Hope