A little update (day 8)

"Without God, I can't
Without me, God won't."


This is the longest I've gone without an entry since I started. I guess I just haven't had a lot to say. I'm continuing to work my 12-step program, averaging a meeting a day. I'm continuing to be rigorously honest, except for not telling my psychiatrist about having stopped one of my medications. But I'm going to call him and come clean. It's been bothering me ... a lot. And my counselor says he can hook me up with another psychiatrist if mine fires me -- which he threatened to do the last time I went off meds. When I call him, can I regain my previous sobriety of 20-some days? I still did a lie of omission, but then I will have undone it. I sort of want those days back. Is that kosher? I'll have to ask my sponsor.

It looks like the divorce settlement is just about done. We have a hearing next week, and we've figured out the finances. I don't know if that means the divorce could be finalized that quickly? I emailed my lawyer but he didn't respond.

I want the divorce to be finalized asap. Mostly so I can call my lover, hear her voice again, and see if there's any chance for us. (After I cheated on her, I promised not to contact her until the divorce is final.) But the truth is that I expect that both relationships -- wife and lover -- will come to their final conclusion on the same day. I dread that day and look forward to it, too. Because I will finally know. It's been difficult not knowing. I'm not a patient person, not good at waiting at all. But God is teaching me patience.

I'm still in love with her, that's for sure. Sometimes I open her yahoo chat box and write messages to her -- "I love you, I adore you" -- and then delete them without sending. It's a total fantasy, but it makes me feel good that I can "tell her" -- even though I'm not telling her at all. Sad, huh?

I hope she will forgive and want to try again. But if not, I will move on, eventually finding another partner (hopefully), and making sure I do that next relationship right: rigorous honesty. No lies of commission, no lies of omission, no exaggerations. Total openness. Transparent.

The only truly good thing that has come out of my latest acting out is that I have become much closer with my younger sister. She stayed with me 10 days, and we've been emailing and calling since. She's now one of the people closest to me, and she knows about my addiction. Is it worth it to lose a lover to gain a deep relationship with a sister?

Hope

wisdom (day 3)

"Maybe there is an escape but you choose not to be rescued. You choose to stay where you are.... Once you realize that you're trapped in a vice you can't get out of, you'll say, "I need rescue!" And we have a choice: We can say, 'I want to be rescued; I don't want to live like this.'

"Allow God to wrap his arms around you. Say to Him, 'Here I am.'


Is that steps 1-2-3, or what? Part of my pastor's sermon Sunday....

Hope

Good-bye, Sis (Day 1)

My sister left today after 10 days of staying with me. I got a lot accomplished during that time, much better organized with paperwork, etc. I started exercising. We played Scrabble several times -- something I used to do with my lover. And we talked ... about anything and everything, including our childhood trauma. She told me that our mother admitted to having physically abused me. I don't remember it, but I wasn't shocked, either.

Now my sister and I are closer than we have ever been. It's the second positive thing that has come out of being caught cheating and losing the best relationship I ever had. The first is my commitment to rigorous honesty.

I don't believe that line of Nietschze's: "That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger." Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn't. I'm sorry, but brain damage doesn't make us stronger in any way at all.

I do believe I am learning plenty from this devastating time. But I think I should have learned it without victimizing my lover. I apologize. Again.

I was in a meeting this morning when a guy said, "We change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change." That's where I am: I just cannot stand what I did to her. I cannot stand living a secret life, lying to EVERYONE, being so alone in my secrecy and lies. I WANT to change, and I think I have. I may never get a chance to prove it to my lover, but that doesn't negate the fact that I have changed.

I have this odd hope -- I know it's probably 1 percent -- that we'll reunite. Maybe it's just a fantasy to help keep me going. I know this: I will never forget the love we shared and the fun we had together. It may have been the most fun 8 months of my life. I thank you, my lover, for that.

Hope

Broken sobriety

I'm sad to say that I broke my rigorous honesty today. So my day count of sobriety starts over.

I went to see my psychiatrist, basically for a med check. I've been diagnosed bipolar II (the mild kind) and I am supposed to be on two medications. But ... on several occasions I have stopped taking the meds, and I did that during my recent love affair (that ended a month ago because I cheated). When I am happy and things are going well, I think I don't need the meds. That's probably untrue; I probably need to stay on them forever, and the fact that I acted out when I had a fantastic relationship going is one indication that it was a mistake to stop.

When my lover broke up with me a month ago, I started taking my antidepressants immediately, because the loss of this woman I love threw me into a depression. But I did not take the other drug, the one for bipolar. So today, after hearing about my distress over the breakup, my psychiatrist said I need to increase that medication. This medication must be somewhat dangerous, because you are only supposed to each week increase 25 mg a day. So over the next month I am supposed to go from 200 mg per day to 300 mg. But I am at 0 mg and it will take me 12 weeks to get to 300.

If he had directly asked me if I were taking my meds, I would have told the truth. But that's not good enough. I committed a lie of omission rather than a lie of commission.

I talked with my sister about it tonight (technically last night, since it is 1 a.m.), and she suggested maybe I should call the psychiatrist tomorrow and tell him the truth. When I said I did not want to have to find another doctor, she agreed that would be a hassle. But she also said it might be worth it, to maintain rigorous honesty.

I don't know what to do. Maybe that phrase "facing life on life's terms" means calling him and getting dropped as a client and finding a new psychiatrist. Or maybe I should just build up the medication without telling him.

But I swore off the secret life. Damn, life is full of hard decisions! But I have ...

Hope

First Step (day 10 of new sobriety)

I went to an SA meeting tonight and a guy presented his First Step. Basically, he told his story, though it's in a Q&A format. It was very powerful for the dozen sex addicts who heard it. And for him, of course -- the first time he had ever told his whole story to a group.

He had some interesting lines that I definitely identified with.

Of his acting out, he said: "I sink into a depressive celebration of the senses."

He said he also suffered from "the inability to experience joy." he said: "I see negativity as one of my addictions."

That has befallen me at times, though at other times I am quite the optimist. And happy.

As I was jotting down notes from his First Step, I saw some quotes from others that I have written over the last two years that I have been in the program. A statement by one of our wisest members -- with several years of sobriety -- really struck me:

"Anything I put in front of my recovery I'm going to lose anyway."

That's what I did with my lover. Maybe what I'm still doing. And I need to not do that. With God's help, and the help of the program, I believe I can put recovery first....

Hope

Dealing with obsession (day 9 of new sobriety)

The night before last I noticed that my lover's screen name was no longer available on yahoo chat. She keeps her phone on constantly, so she's always available. I thought maybe she had her phone off for some reason. But the next day she still was "gone," and has remained so. It seems to mean one of two things: She has blocked me from chat, or she has gotten a new phone number. If she got a new phone number, she may have moved out of state.

Any of the above possibilities are bad for possible reunification. It threw me. Yesterday I obsessed about what could be going on. I was upset. It's just one more sign that the chance of reunification is virtually nonexistent.

I made some phone calls to guys in the program and they commiserated with me. I did a midnight SA telephone meeting. Those things helped, and today I have not felt obsessed. But I know it could come back at any moment.

UPDATE added to this post: SHE'S BACK AVAILABLE! Who knows what happened, but I put myself through a lot of anxiety for nothing. That's obsession, folks. That's addiction.

Tonight my sister and I had a long talk. I told her all about my fetish behavior. She now knows more than anyone except for my lover and the Keystone staff and fellow "inmates." It felt easy to talk to my sister, and it felt good. She asked me lots of questions about my relationship with my lover, and challenged me on some of my thinking.

My lover cheated on her previous partner. Several times she met with a guy who spanked her and had sex with her. Then she got spanked by me once before she and her boyfriend broke up. I asked her once if she she would have expected forgiveness if he had ever found out, and she said no. Which is another bad sign as far as her forgiving me.

But it reminds me that she is no saint. I need to stop idealizing her. She's a great woman and we definitely were in love. But she's not my perfect match. (Just close.)

This is hard to say, but ... if she doesn't believe in forgiveness -- either forgiving others (like me) or being forgiven by those she has harmed -- then she's not the partner for me. I definitely believe in forgiveness. I have forgiven my parents for what they did to me. I have forgiven a couple of bosses. I have forgiven a former partner who cheated on me throughout our relationship. (Exactly what I did to my lover.) I need a partner who believes in forgiveness. Maybe it will be her. I have hope ... and doubt.

My sponsor said to me yesterday: "You know, she didn't have to leave you. She could have stayed with you, knowing what you did and knowing what she did to her previous partner. You hurt and betrayed her, but she left you because of her own issues." That was a revelation.

I pray to God to help her heal from our breakup. And to help me with my healing. And I affirm: I am forgiveable. God forgives. So I am forgiven by God. I can forgive myself. I haven't yet, but I can and I must. Forgiveness from God and myself are more important than forgiveness from her.

So there!

Hope

Jogging (day 7 of new sobriety)

I got up early this morning and went jogging. I jogged yesterday, too. Actually, it's jog a block and walk a block. But it's the first time in years that I have tried to run. I used to run 4.5 miles a day, but then my knees gave out. For several years I bicycled regularly, but when we moved to another state several years ago, I basically quit exercising all together. I gained 30 pounds. I recently had knee surgery, and decided I could try it again.

Anyway, it's a good thing that I have started exercising. For my physical health, and for my sex addiction. I hope the endorphin rush of exercise will help replace the endorphin rush of sex and fetish activity. I do miss those endorphins!

I hope that exercising is a sign that I am coming out of this depression over the loss of my lover.

Hope

Higher power (day 6 of new sobriety)

This morning at church I knelt at the altar and asked God to help me focus on Him, rather than on my lover. I have been placing my faith and hope in her, in her forgiveness and our possible reconciliation. But I know that is not where my focus should lie. My focus needs to be on surrendering to God and asking for His help to overcome this addiction -- and to overcome my obsession with my lover. I have to stay sober and I have to stay committed to rigorous honesty, regardless of how my lover responds when I ask for forgiveness. I want her back, but I don't NEED her back. I NEED my higher power to help me in recovery.

I thought about her less today. Still a lot. But less.

Hope

A wedding

This afternoon my sister and I went to a wedding, a young couple that goes to my church. I sat next to my sister and thought, "My lover should be here with me instead of my sister." But of course she wasn't because I drove her away.

As they were saying their vows, I thought: "I broke those vows in my marriage several times."

It was a beautiful wedding, a gorgeous couple, a packed church of celebrators. I felt like throwing up from self-hate.

"I release my guilt and shame." Somehow I must make this affirmation come true.

Hope

A bad dream (day 5 of new sobriety)

I seldom remember my dreams, but this morning I awoke with one fresh in my mind after tossing and turning from 3 a.m. to 8 a.m.

My lover was lying on the bed, fully clothed. We were broken up, seeing each other for the first time. I was seated on the bed beside her. She told me that she had recently gone on a camping trip with an ex-boyfriend, totally platonic. I felt a little surge of jealousy. I asked her if she was seeing anyone. She said she had met someone on the camping trip, and had sex with him. I said I thought she was going to not see anyone until I was divorced, to see if there was a chance at reconciliation. She just shrugged. I wanted to scream, "Don't you even care about me?" But I didn't say it because I was afraid of the answer. I asked her if she planned to see this guy again, and she said she probably would. She had that glow on her glorious cheekbones that I used to see when she was sexually satisfied and content.

I woke up feeling angry and betrayed. Then I thought: We're broken up, and we have no commitment to one another. She can do as she likes. But I had sex with someone else while we were still together, while we were supposed to be a monogamous couple. So she is not the betrayer; I am.

Then I prayed that the dream wasn't true, or even any semblance of it.

Hope

Seeking forgiveness (day 4 of new sobriety)

From an incredible book I am reading called Voice of the Heart.:

"Guilt is what we feel when we actually do something wrong .... wound others, fail our personal value system and standards, and cause regret upon regret."

I have done all of the above to my lover.

"The amount of forgiveness I receive is directly related to my willingness to be fully truthful, exposed, and surrendered -- that is, humbled (healthy shame). This is what makes guilt so painful and forgiveness so terrifying."

I will be terrified to call her and ask forgiveness, but I know I must do it when the time comes.

"When we go to someone we have harmed and expose our hearts in guilt, they will offer forgiveness (then or over time), or they will maintain distrust and resentment in their inability or unwillingness to forgive."

She told me from the beginning that she had trust issues, and I betrayed that trust, so I fear she will have great difficulty forgiving.

"If we are truthful and vulnerable in seeking forgiveness, then we will be free of the pain of guilt because in honestly seeking forgiveness we exposed our hearts for relationship."

This I will do: expose my heart.

"In both situations (forgiveness or not), our hearts are given back to us, one in reconciliation and freedom, the other in sadness, hope and freedom. The decision the others make is whether to honor our hearts."

I pray that she will honor my heart.

"Whenever we genuinely seek forgiveness, we are free, whether the others forgive us or not."

If she does not forgive me, then I will have to better understand how I am still free of guilt without her forgiveness. This will be a great challenge for me, to not fall into toxic shame.

In a month or so, on the day my divorce is final, I will know....

Hope

Sister visit (day 3 of new sobriety)

My younger sister has come to visit for the weekend. It's awesome. She knows I've been struggling emotionally with all this, so here she is.

We had a great talk this evening about our childhoods, and I learned some things that she knew about that I don't remember. About some childhood trauma that I experienced. Our mother told my sister about it -- interesting that she didn't tell me. At Keystone we did a lot of work on childhood trauma, and it did help me a lot ... but not enough to stay sober with my lover, which is truly a shame.

We played Scrabble tonight, and that was fun. I play Scrabble online but I hadn't played Scrabble live with anyone since my lover. It was bittersweet: Nice to be playing again, but also mindful of all the wonderful games that my lover and I had.

I went to a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting tonight. I shared first, and talked about my commitment to rigorous honesty -- for probably the first time in my life. Everybody else who shared also talked about honesty, and many identified dishonesty as their chief character defect. I guess it's incredibly prevalent in addiction.

Ten times a day I wonder how my lover is doing, and what she is doing. I want so much to contact her, and know that I can't, that I have to stick to my agreement of not contacting her until I am divorced. I hold out little hope that anything will come to fruition then; she might even have moved away. But there is a glimmer.

I am just so angry with myself for what I did to her. I have to keep saying that affirmation: I release myself from guilt and shame.

Hope

Therapist unexcited (day 2 of new sobriety)

Well, I met with my therapist today and he wasn't too happy with my new definition of sobriety. He questioned whether spanking is a healthy behavior. I opined that if it is consensual and there are no lasting injuries then it's no different than toe-sucking or any other fetish, and fetishes are not addictions ... unless they make one's life unmanageable. And my plan of limiting it to a committed monogamous relationship makes it manageable.

He responded that toe-sucking doesn't have the psychological symbolism that spanking does, and asked me to keep an open mind to how healthy spanking is in a relationship. I agreed to keep an open mind. But I know this: It wasn't unhealthy for my lover and me. The intimacy of it was incredibly powerful.

I would like to spank her again. I would like to make love with her again. But mostly I'd like to hold her in my arms and tell her of my love....

Hope

Reset sobriety (day 1)

I have reset my sobriety date to yesterday. I have come to a new understanding of what sobriety means to me -- a new definition. And via that new definition, I violated sobriety during the past four weeks because I was not "rigorously honest in all my affairs." One thing I was not rigorously honest about was waffling about my definition of masturbation; that can be found in an earlier post.

I believe I finally now have a definition of sobriety which will truly work for me. Some in the program will not agree with it; some will say that I am not maintaining sobriety at all. It definitely does not meet the strictest definition, from Sexaholics Anonymous: No sex with self or anyone other than a spouse. But with this definition, I believe I can be honest and consistent in all my affairs, and not fall into unmanageability.

I have realized so much in the last 48 hours, and I am still realizing it. An ongoing epiphany. One realization is that I believed that my secret life, my dishonesty, was caused by addiction and my desire to pursue my desires behind my wife's back. That's partially true, but now I also realize that it's also the other way around: The secrecy triggered the unmanageability of my addiction. As long as I was maintaining a secret life, I was totally alone: NO ONE knew the whole story, not even my best friend from kindergarten that I supposedly tell everything to. And being alone and telling lies of commission or omission to EVERYONE was too frightening to handle, so I ran for comfort in my addiction, which I had to keep secret ... and the snowball grew as it rolled down the hill into a bottomless abyss.

I think maybe I even became addicted to secrecy -- at least it became a way of life. And that may be part of the reason that I cheated on my lover, who was giving me the companionship, affection, sex and fetish behavior which I have craved for years. In the past month I have on several occasions literally screamed, "Why did I do this to her?" (And to myself.) And I honestly did not have a shred of explanation! I may never know entirely why I destroyed the best relationship I ever had. But now maybe I have part of the answer: I was addicted to secrecy, and felt some perverse need to keep secrets from her, even though I had no reason to.

So here is the absolute truth: I have a spanking fetish, which I first engaged in when I was six years old. In my fetish, the spanking is consensual, not as forced punishment; therefore I virtually never spanked my children, and the few times I did so I realized that I could not do so because of the potential conflict of interest. My fetish is about the "voluntary relinquishment of control" (my phrase) that a spankee gifts to the spanker. They share this intimacy, this exploration of the line between pain and pleasure and the point at which the two become indistinguishable -- and that place is one of true sharing and intimacy, despite what professionals have told me to the contrary.

I don't know if I was born with this fetish or acquired it, but I believe that it is unlikely to ever go away. So this was one of my key reservations with my program of recovery. In inpatient treatment they told me that my fetish was sexualizing childhood trauma which I experienced, and that being in recovery meant no longer pursuing the fetish. Maybe they are right, in a perfect and simplistic world. But I know what I am INSIDE, and I cannot and will not deny that spanking is part of who I am. Maybe that's powerlessness: I have an overriding need to engage in this behavior. But that does not mean it has to be unmanageable.

It is manageable as part of a consensual, committed, monogamous relationship.

That meant it was not manageable in my marriage because my wife did not want to engage in spanking, though she did at one point make a loving attempt to accommodate my fetish. So I went outside the marriage for spanking -- not for sex acts, though I admit they occasionally occurred. And that destroyed my marriage. I am sad about that -- she's a wonderful woman whom I miss. But I knew that was going to happen eventually, and in a way it was a relief (or so I thought) that I could pursue my fetish and not have to live the secret life anymore.

So I met my lover through a spanking site. At first our encounters were platonic, while I was still living at home with my wife as my marriage disintegrated. That is, they were as platonic as an encounter can be when the woman is bare-bottomed over the man's knee. That was adultery in my wife's eyes, and I understand that. But to my future lover and I, we were clearly not engaging in a sex act.

Once I moved out of the house into my own apartment, my lover and I began dating. It did become romantic, and it did include sex. She hadn't been the only one I was chatting with online, and I did not stop chatting with those people -- or stop trying to line up new spanking partners. I told my lover from the beginning that I planned to spank others, and at first she was OK with it, so in that sense I was being honest. And I only spanked one woman during this love affair, and my lover actually helped set that up! But I also told my lover that I was not actively seeking others, when I really was. So I was continuing to engage in unmanageable behavior -- that is, secrecy -- and it was only a matter of time before I got caught, just as my wife had caught me several times before.

This is where my addict's "stinkin' thinkin'" took over. I told myself that as long as I did not actually spank anyone without her knowledge, that what I was doing (playing online) was OK. And that thinking became even more twisted as our love affair developed. I realized that it would be wrong for me to have secret encounters with other women, but my addict told me it would be OK to have secret encounters with men! That I would not be cheating because she would still be the only woman that I was spanking or having sex with! I had always been bi-curious, as are most people at some point in their lives, and my addict decided that this was the time to find out what it was like. So I did pursue encounters with men, both for spanking and for oral sex. I had three over a period of several months. I didn't enjoy them, and by last summer I stopped. At first I went back to trying to meet women online who were into spanking, but in August I stopped that behavior, too. I was deeply in love, and my lover was fulfilling my fetish. And she also was expressing grave concern about her prior agreement that it would be OK for me to spank others. The spanking which she helped set up and witnessed disturbed her greatly; it was the intimacy of it that she did not want me to share. We argued about this on several occasions, and it became contentious enough that it was a possible deal-breaker. I did not want to give up that "freedom," even though I had no one in mind, and had not enjoyed the one spanking that my lover witnessed, and most of all that my lover was the best spankee I had ever been with or could ever imagine.

In early September, we went away on a romantic Labor Day holiday that included no sex because she was on her period. We had a wonderful platonic time, and I came to the conclusion that I could live the rest of my life without engaging in spanking or sex with another person. But I did not tell her that; in my cautious way, I wanted to think about it for a while to make sure. Then it all fell apart when she found emails I had written to both men and women, and she broke up with me. This was the great irony, that I had quit the behavior. But on the other hand, if she had not found out, then I would have had to harbor that secret about what I had done -- and would have yet another relationship that did not include rigorous honesty.

And that is my most triggering behavior: I hold secrets, I feel guilty and alone, I act out. The Great Truth for me is this: If I tell the truth, my life is manageable.

It seems so simple, but this is the issue that goes back to childhood trauma; I was accused of so many things that the truth did not matter. I was screamed at for things I did and things I didn't do, and the truth had no place in it. So I lost sight of the value of truth. Now it has come flooding back.

This is the hope I have for my lover and me: That she will realize how I have changed, that I would never lie to her again, neither lies of commission nor lies of omission. That she COULD trust me, because I am not the same person I was a few weeks ago (or even a few days ago).

Of course, that would take, as she told me the last time we communicated, a "leap of faith" that she wasn't sure she could make. I would be sad if she decides not to try, but I would understand. I did betray her, I did hurt her deeply, and how does she know that I have changed, other than what I say and do -- and I was good at hiding and lying before (though not good enough to avoid being caught).

If she decides not to try again, then I will go on; as I say in one of my three new affirmations: "I release the guilt and shame" of what I did to her. To hang on to it, as I have for the past month, was destroying me.

My next relationship, whether with her (hopefully) or someone else, will be built on rigorous honesty -- and will include spanking. That is my truth, and to live a rigorously honest life, I must not hide that fact from the incredible men who have helped me with recovery. And if some of them in 12-step decide that means I am not sober, then so be it. But here (finally) is my definition of sobriety:

1. I live a life of rigorous honesty in all my affairs.
2. All fetish and sexual activity with others will be in the context of a consensual committed monogamous relationship.

And today is Day One.

Hope

New affirmations

I left a counseling session this morning with the following affirmations, which shall become my mantra:

I release this guilt and shame.

I fully commit myself to my program of recovery.

I shall be rigorously honest in all my affairs.


Hope

A month of regret (day 26 of sobriety)

Today is one month since my lover and I made love. I can't forget the date: 9/11.

That may sound like a sex addict comment, to be missing the sex, but honestly that's not even close to what I miss most. One of the things I miss most is talking to her on the phone after work. I work until 10 p.m. on Monday nights, and I always would call her on the way home, worn out -- but happy to hear her voice and tell her about my day, and hear about hers.

Today I cried at a 12-step meeting. I could barely get out my share. I said, "As long as I lead a secret life, I guess I deserve to be alone. Now I am learning not to lead a secret life, so that maybe I'll be able to have somebody some day."

Of course, the one I want is my lover, whom I betrayed. The chance of getting her back is almost nil. But I do hold out slim hope, against all odds. Love conquers all!

Hope

Church with my daughter! (day 25 of sobriety)

This morning my daughter went to church with me! She hasn't been to this church for more than three years, but she was welcomed so warmly. It was cool to see -- lots of hugs and smiles and "My, you've grown."

This was the first weekend that I insisted my daughter spend time with me -- a minimum four-hour block. I've been seeing her twice a week since I moved out of the family home last December, but mostly after school, and for just a couple hours. The reason? Because I was spending every weekend with my lover. Probably a selfish move on my part. But my daughter didn't mind -- she's very upset with me for the end of the marriage, and she doesn't want to spend much time with me.

For this weekend, I offered her several options, and she chose church and a couple hours after. I'm sure that was for her convenience. By going to church with me she was killing two birds with one stone, spending less parental time than if she had gone to her mother's church and then had to spend four hours with me on top of it. But I didn't care; it was so cool to have her in church.

Afterwards she came over to my apartment, which she had not seen before. She had seen the first apartment I moved into in the upstairs of this house I own, but I since have moved downstairs. She didn't comment much; the house she lives in that I moved out of is 3,000 square feet and beautiful. This apartment is about 900 square feet.

Still, I feel good that she has finally seen my place. It was wrong of me to put my lover first every weekend for the past 8 months. Now I have lots of weekend time for my daughter. Small consolation for losing what could have been the best relationship I ever had, if I hadn't cheated on my lover. Or maybe it's not such a small consolation. Maybe it's a big consolation. Maybe my daughter is at least as important as any lover!

A surrender prayer my pastor said in church this morning:

Break me
and put me
on the potter's wheel
and mold me
into what
I am supposed to be.

Hope

Lone glove

It's been a bittersweet day. I own a business with two locations and have had to cut back and consolidate to one. So today my best friend and I loaded a pickup truck and trailer and moved lots of stuff to three different places for storage.

The business location I closed was where my lover and I met for the second time. (The first had been at a restaurant.) It wasn't a date; we weren't lovers and didn't think we ever would be. But we engaged in some fetish behavior that was very intimate for both of us.

Over the next couple months, my lover became a customer of my business. One time she left her gloves there, but the employees could only find one, so never sent it to her. As I was cleaning up today, I found that glove with a sticky note identifying it as belonging to my lover. It's an expensive-looking leather glove; I don't really temember her wearing them but I'm sure she did when we were together last winter. Left hand, and she's righthanded, so what does that mean, to have her off-hand glove? It's so small -- reminded me how small my lover's hands are. I wonder if I will ever hold those hands again.

I smelled the glove, but it was just the smell of leather, not of her. I stuffed it in my pocket to keep it. I have very few things from our relationship -- some great pictures, but no objects. Now I have one. Maybe I'm a sentimental fool. But the glove means something to me.

Saturday morning meeting (day 24 of sobriety)

I mostly attend Sexaholics Anonymous 12-step meetings, and SA has the best handbook of any of the S-groups. At every meeting we read this:

"The sexaholic has taken himself or herself out of the whole context of what is right or wrong. He has lost control, no longer has the power of choice, and is not free to stop. Lust has become an addiction. Our situation is like that of the alcoholic who can no longer tolerate alcohol and must stop drinking altogether but is hooked and cannot stop."

So is this any solace to my lover, to know that what I did was beyond my power, beyond my ability to know right from wrong? Maybe it helps her a little to know that I was not just being a selfish jerk, that I was out of control. But the harm I did to her was the same. And I was lying the whole time, pretending that I was sober.

So now that I truly am sober, how would she ever know that's so, if she did decide to take me back? Tough question. There are all kinds of accountability safeguards that some couples use, and I'm OK with all of them. That creates some minimal work for her, and alters somewhat the nature of the relationship. She might not be willing to do that.

I don't know how to convince her of my new truth: If I ever again get the chance to gaze lovingly into those green eyes, I could never ever lie to them. I swear this before God and the 12-step program and everything I ever hope to be.

I used to love Friday night (day 23 of sobriety)

Friday has become the toughest evening for me, because that's when my lover and I would get together. I get off work at 4, and either she would be showing up soon at my place, or I would be hustling to pack and head the 100 miles to hers.

I loved standing on my porch and waiting for her red car to come around the corner and park in front of my house. She usually took her time getting out of the car, for whatever reason, but I would wait patiently and then meet her at the trunk, kiss and hug her, and carry her stuff inside.

This might seem unlikely for a sex addict to say, but it is not the Friday night love-making that I miss most. It's the companionship: just having her in my house, or me being in hers, chitchatting, sitting next to each other -- just being a loving couple. Why I threw that away for a couple of sex acts I will never understand. But I do understand this: NEVER AGAIN. Whether I am lucky enough to get her back, or lucky enough to eventually wind up with someone else: NEVER AGAIN.

This is the worst guilt, shame and regret I have ever felt. I wonder why this hurts more than the dissolution of my marriage. Maybe because my marriage hadn't worked for many years, when this relationship WAS working -- we definitely had a future, though we had not agreed on exactly what that was. That was part of the problem: In my selfishness, I was not satisfied being with her just on the weekends; I wanted her seven days a week. She was looking forward to that, but she was not quite ready, and I pushed when I shouldn't have. That didn't break us up, though; my infidelity did.

Now I would be elated to have her just on the weekends. Instead, I have her not at all. I am lonely for female companionship, but I am not interested in any other female companions. I just want her. And I am very very unlikely to ever have her.

So here I am, alone for the night at 4:30 p.m. My best friend works Friday nights; another friend is out of town. I could have called someone else, but didn't have the energy to keep trying. There are no 12-step meetings in my town Friday night, though I certainly can do a phone meeting. But basically I have nothing to do. When, if I had not allowed my addiction to overwhelm me, I'd be having fun with an incredible girl.

This is the price I pay, and it's a heavy cost, and maybe even heavier to her, since she's the betrayed party. So I must make sure: Never again. I truly believe my sex addiction is dead, though that's not something we're supposed to say in the program. But there are many sex addicts who stopped cold turkey and never relapsed. Some after many unsuccessful attempts (like me). So ... never again. No more victims, no more shame.

And if dreams ever come true, some day my lover and I will be together again on a Friday night.

Hope

Downtown (day 22 of sobriety)

I spent several hours downtown this afternoon; I don't go there much even though it's within walking distance.

First, I had a divorce settlement conference at the courthouse. I was really stressing about it, but nothing happened; my soon-to-be-ex wasn't even there. The attorneys chatted with the judge and set a third conference for next month. I hope to actually be divorced in November, six months after she filed. There is a six-month waiting period in my state if you have a minor child, and I have a teenager.

So I suffered a lot of anxiety for not much. Isn't that how future-tripping goes?

I decided to walk around instead of go home. There is this incredible art competition all over downtown, more than a thousand entries from all over the world. I saw some incredible stuff. But I kept thinking: My girlfriend and I were going to do this together -- and we could be doing so right now if I hadn't been such an idiot. She was going to move in with me, too. Now I'm walking around a big city by myself, and it hit hard how alone I am. Thanks, addict brain!

I got to see a number of the entries that made the Top 10. There's an art jury that selects those, then it's a public vote for the winner. The announcement will be later this week. The most incredible Top 10 entry is the image of a woman on a circle of sand. It looks like a faded photograph, right in the sand, full size. Actually, there are two of them, with the feet facing the middle. The artist sort of explained how he did it, but I didn't get it. But it was very powerful. The woman has a terminal illness, and the message is that life is fleeting -- like sand. I sure as heck know that love is fleeting, too.

Another Top 10 entry was an enormous mosaic of a woman lying on her side. It took 2500 hours to make. Very colorful.

The entry my addict liked best was of half a dozen women's slips hanging from clothes line. Each one had embroidery in it with a saying about a relationship: I'm not going anywhere; I'm not trying to hurt you; I know I can't live without you; so just marry me, then. Definitely ironic. There was a sign that said this is a "touch exhibit." You kind of had to spread out the slips to be able to read some of the sayings. So I touched a slip or two. Big deal. Is that middle circle behavior?

I'm doing paperwork, watching baseball and going to a 12-step meeting this evening. This is life without my lover.

Hope

Joy (day 21 of sobriety)

Today I experienced an unfamiliar feeling, which I had to think about for a moment to identify: Joy.

I started the day with a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting at 6:30 a.m., and I just finished another one at 10 p.m. Inbetween, I worked for several hours, met with my attorney regarding an upcoming hearing in my divorce, and drove 45 minutes each way to pick up a piece of office furniture. For most of the day, I was on the emotional rollercoaster that I've been riding since my lover broke up with me several weeks ago for cheating on her. I've been working the 12-step program hard but still have been feeling overwhelmed with guilt and shame. It hit especially hard as I left the attorney's office. It was a difficult meeting, and the hearing is going to be contentious. Anf I thought, "I want to talk with my girlfriend about this; she'll support me and it will be much easier to handle." That's exactly what she's done in the past. But because of my insane addictive behavior, I have no girlfriend to get support from.

Then this evening I went to church. After the breakup, I rejoined the church's Praise Team, which I had performed with several years ago. I was in such desperate need for fellowship, and they welcomed me back. So tonight I helped sing several gospel tunes. One is a real rocker with the line: "I just feel like something good is about to happen.... Something good is on its way." Of course, I haven't been feeling that way at all lately. But as I sang it, and saw the congregation responding, the joy just rushed through me. It was a shocking feeling. I savored it, let it roll around inside of me. I was singing with all my heart and furiously banging the tambourine, and by the end of the song I was drenched in sweat. My girlfriend used to go to church with me, though she is a nonbeliever, and she kept asking me if she was inhibiting my participation. I said no and I believe that is the truth. But it also is true that I had not let go like this in her presence.

When our performance was over, I went and sat down in preparation to hear the sermon. And this thought came to me: I don't NEED her, any more than I need my addiction. I still love her; I'd still like another chance with her, if she can see her way to forgiveness and trust. But I don't need her. What I do need is to know how to feel joy, despite what I have done.

Rigorous honesty (day 20 of sobriety)

The scariest part of the whole 12-step program is the first paragraph of How It Works. This opens chapter 5 of the AA Big Book, and has been adapted for many other fellowships. It states:

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty."

Now I definitely have had problems with rigorous honesty. I have gone years when I was rigorously honest with my wife; she knew I masturbated, and there was no other acting out behavior at all. But there have been other stretches when I was dishonest, including my latest relationship. Which I don't understand, because she was so accepting that I truly think I could have told her anything. And I pray for a chance to be rigorously honest with her.

I do NOT believe that some people are born dishonest, and I'm surprised that AA (and other 12-Step programs) would say that. Because that would be someone who is permanently, biologically flawed, and that's not what 12-step is about. 12-step talks about "character defects" on which one can work.

It is true that I have had difficulty giving myself completely to the program. I thought I had, but I must have held reservations, because I relapsed. What I have to do now is thoroughly follow the path. Which I have done for 21 days....

Acting "as if."

12-step talks a lot about acting "as if" -- that is, doing the next right thing even when every fiber may be fighting to act out. Act "as if" you're sober, and you'll be sober!

That also means it's OK to do the right things for the wrong reasons ... until I get my head around the right reasons. So I'm going to quit beating myself up about wanting to stay sober for the chance of reuniting with my lover. The key is that I'm sober, not what's motivating me. If she eventually turns me down, then hopefully by then I'll have been sober long enough to stay sober ... for the right reasons.

Yesterday I was really down, and I contacted her even though we had agreed that I wouldn't until my divorce is final sometime later this year. She chatted with me, even though it was obvious she didn't want to. She's such a woman of grace.

She said she couldn't say anything to help me feel better. She said she does not have hope for us. She said she doesn't know if she could ever trust me again. She said she doesn't know how she feels about me anymore. She said. "Getting back together would require some leap of faith on my part that I don't know if I can make." She said she doesn't want to think about us now, and she will revisit the situation when I am divorced.

This made my heart soar with hope! There still is a chance! If that chance helps keep me sober, that's OK!

So I agreed again not to contact her until I am divorced, and this time I need to stick to it. I may be totally crazy, but something inside me has faith that she will be able to make that leap of faith back to trust and love. I believe she's that incredible. And if not ... I'll have acted "as if"!

Looking for a breakthrough (day 19 of celibacy)

Told to me yesterday:

"You've been in this life cycle or situation long enough. You can accept change or resist change, but it's time for a change! Aren't you sick and tired of feeling sick and tired? You've got to break that cycle, quite going around with the same old problem, day after day, month after month, year after year. You've been in this place long enough. Haven't you had enough of fear, of discouragement, of disappointment, of rejection, of shame?

"A new thing is ready to happen in your life. But a condition of receiving the new is to let go of the old. The greatest hindrance of breakthrough is memory; we have a tendency to drag the past into the future. To get the new you have to separate yourself from the old -- mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. You're standing on the dividing line between yes and no, between weeping and rejoicing, between struggling and stressing on the one hand, and resting and blessing on the other.

"You sit on the sidelines and say, 'I'm without.' Well, get that mentality out of your mind. It's up to you to activate your faith. If we only gave God half the time we spend thinking about doubt. Every time doubt is in your mind, read the Promises. Say, 'I'm going to get my breakthrough. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life talking about what I missed. I'm not going to let fear and doubt into my mind. It's time to move, time to pay the price. I'm not comfortable here any more.'"


.......... This easily could have been my sponsor. But it was my minister, who knows virtually nothing about 12-step. What a great sermon!

Sobering thoughts (Day 18 of celibacy)

I'm feeling down (but I'm sober)
Definitey depressed (but sober)
Sad, almost tearful (but sober)
Overwhelmed with guilt (but sober)
Ashamed (but sober)
Wishing, more than anything, that I could undo what I did to you (but sober)
Or rather, that I had never done it in the first place (and had stayed sober)
I feel a deep deep loneliness without you (but sober)
I wish I knew what you were thinking (I'm sober)
Or even if you are still thinking about us at all (still sober)
I pray that there may still be a chance for us (with me sober)
And if not, that I will still remain ... sober.

A book

I got a book in the mail Friday that a 12-step buddy suggested: "The Voice of the Heart." I've just read a few pages, but I definitely see myself therein. Chapter 1 starts with this New Testament quote from Paul:

"I do not understand what I do.
For what I want to do I do not do.
But what I hate I do."


That is the best description ever of addiction. But I know, my lover, that it is not much of an explanation.

I miss you so. Is there any chance for us? Can you give me even a little sign?

Hope

Praise (day 17 of sobriety)

I spent the last 24 hours with a group from my church. We drove to another community and attended a service, and our praise team performed. I had been on the praise team years ago, and joined again after the breakup with my lover three weeks ago. I knew that I needed spiritual assistance, and singing is one of the ways I can tap into my spirituality.

For me, being at church is as good as a 12-step meeting. Both are all about surrender, admitting that I cannot live a good life without help from my higher power. My pastor is not a 12-stepper, but his sermons dovetail perfectly.

It was moving to perform, it was moving to hear the other praise team perform, and the sermon was moving. Most of all, though, was the friendship and community shown me by the church. I had never gone on a trip with them before, and they accepted me absolutely. Of course, four big guys in one hotel room leads to quick acceptance!

Despite all the joy and praise and acceptance, I had to fight some sadness. I would have invited my lover to come to this event, and we drove right past her town on our way there. She is not a Christian, and had been going to church with me mostly as a courtesy, though she expressed a lot of curiosity, and we even read the Bible together for a couple weeks and had deep and fascinating discussions. But it was an area of some conflict between us, though it was my infidelity that led to the breakup. But today I realized that if I ever find another partner, I want her to be a Christian. But if I ever were able to reunite with my lover, I would accept being with a non-Christian. Because I knew that going into the relationship, and I know she and I could make it work.

I have never before considered religion in selecting a partner. Of course I haven't had very many partners, having been in a marriage of more than 30 years which I also destroyed due to infidelity. Some Christian I am, huh?

So ... it felt a little odd to realize this today, that if my lover will not have me back and I start dating, that I will only date Christian women.

But once again I'm getting ahead of myself. I have made a commitment to celibacy and no dating until my divorce is final later this year. And between now and then, my focus needs to be on sobriety, not future-tripping about women. I didn't get a chance to do a meeting yesterday because of work and travel, and I missed my regular Saturday morning meeting today. So I'm going to do a telephone meeting in a half hour. I need it. Church was great but I need 12-step!

Temptation returns (day 16 of sobriety)

WARNING: This entry gets a little bit graphic. I truly apologize if anyone is triggered.


This seems to be the time of day for me now. I've always been an early riser, but 3 or 4 is ridiculous. Yet I haven't been able to fall back asleep these last two weeks, and this usually is a productive time....

Well, I knew this lack of lust would not stay with me long. I was very tempted yesterday to act out. I almost did. It wasn't desire that tempted me; it was emotional pain. I feel so guilty, so ashamed, so remorseful, so depressed, so SAD ... that I feel like I can't stand it. That I have to do something to STOP it. And the endorphins of orgasm are my drug of choice, of course. I really really wanted to masturbate, to feel better, even for a few moments. And the conversation in my head, usually two voices, this time had three:

Needy me: If you do that, you'll never get her back! You have to prove to her that you are serious about sobriety.

Recovery me: A woman is not the reason to stay sober, not the motivation to get sober. You need to do this for YOU.

Addict me: What's wrong with feeling better for a moment? This hurts too much!

These three voices were banging around in my head, and I thought: Well, let's rank the arguments. And here was the rank I had in that moment:

1. I am in unbearable pain
2. I miss my ex-lover so much.
3. I need to get healthy.

So I put my hand on myself. And God intervened. No erection. Not even a hint of one. Then came the three voices:

Needy me: Maybe you're older than you thought. Maybe you've gone impotent. She'll never take you back now.

Addict me: You can do it! You better prove you still can do it! You deserve to feel better!

Recovery me: God has stilled your blood flow to that member.

So ... I stopped.

But then ... it occurred to me that a few moments of touching could be considered a violation of sobriety. After all, technically I WAS masturbating. And part of my commitment to myself is to not "run for comfort," whether it's orgasm or ice cream. Yet I've had ice cream in the last 15 days. So is that a violation of my sobriety? LOL

I realized that I needed to better define this for myself. I actually looked up a few words in the dictionary: celibacy, chastity, abstinence. All referred to not engaging in sexual intercourse. Bill Clinton's definition! "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." Then he could claim that he did not purjer himself because he did not have sexual INTERCOURSE. And that's the mind-bending definition a lot of people use today. (Thanks, Bill!) Which certainly allows for a lot of sexual activity, both with another and with oneself!

But Bill Clinton's definition is ridiculous. NO ORGASMS: That's my definition. No orgasms until I'm divorced, whenever that is. There's a preliminary court hearing soon, and I have a sneaky suspicion I'm going to be blind-sided.

Stay on the issue! No orgasms, that's for sure. But what about intentional touching for pleasure, for COMFORT???????!!!!! So I better redefine my commitment more specifically: NO INTENTIONAL ERECTIONS. OK, that's good. But what about intentional touching that stops when the erection begins?

WAIT! This is my addict at work. Trying to muddy the waters. Bringing up technicalities, loopholes, reservations. I learned in inpatient treatment how to recognize when I am running from my feelings, and I acquired tools to STOP IT. As quickly as possible. GET YOUR HAND AWAY FROM THERE!!! LOL But I'm not resetting sobriety for that. Whew. Glad I've got that settled. Because there's another major issue:

My fetish. My fetish is physical punishment, both administering and receiving. It's my fetish for varied and complicated reasons which I am not going to explore this morning. But my reason to receive it is to release emotional pain, to turn it into physical pain, which for me (and many others) is easier to deal with than emotional pain.

I deeply feel that need now. This constant ache in the pit of my stomach, this constant low-grade headache, this constant nerve-tingling anxiety -- are all PHYSICAL feelings that are extremely uncomfortable. So why not turn it into one big explosion of physical pain and get rid of it?

Needy me: I need to be punished for what I've done.

Addict me: You'll feel better afterwards.

Recovery me: You have to fully FEEL your feelings in order to deal with them.

So I spent the day yesterday filled with two seemingly conflicting desires: I wanted pleasure, and I wanted pain.

With God's help, I will turn away from both these artifical and momentary comforts. True comfort does not come in a moment. In fact, the path to true comfort has 12 steps.