Saturday morning meeting (day 24 of sobriety)

I mostly attend Sexaholics Anonymous 12-step meetings, and SA has the best handbook of any of the S-groups. At every meeting we read this:

"The sexaholic has taken himself or herself out of the whole context of what is right or wrong. He has lost control, no longer has the power of choice, and is not free to stop. Lust has become an addiction. Our situation is like that of the alcoholic who can no longer tolerate alcohol and must stop drinking altogether but is hooked and cannot stop."

So is this any solace to my lover, to know that what I did was beyond my power, beyond my ability to know right from wrong? Maybe it helps her a little to know that I was not just being a selfish jerk, that I was out of control. But the harm I did to her was the same. And I was lying the whole time, pretending that I was sober.

So now that I truly am sober, how would she ever know that's so, if she did decide to take me back? Tough question. There are all kinds of accountability safeguards that some couples use, and I'm OK with all of them. That creates some minimal work for her, and alters somewhat the nature of the relationship. She might not be willing to do that.

I don't know how to convince her of my new truth: If I ever again get the chance to gaze lovingly into those green eyes, I could never ever lie to them. I swear this before God and the 12-step program and everything I ever hope to be.