Downtown (day 22 of sobriety)

I spent several hours downtown this afternoon; I don't go there much even though it's within walking distance.

First, I had a divorce settlement conference at the courthouse. I was really stressing about it, but nothing happened; my soon-to-be-ex wasn't even there. The attorneys chatted with the judge and set a third conference for next month. I hope to actually be divorced in November, six months after she filed. There is a six-month waiting period in my state if you have a minor child, and I have a teenager.

So I suffered a lot of anxiety for not much. Isn't that how future-tripping goes?

I decided to walk around instead of go home. There is this incredible art competition all over downtown, more than a thousand entries from all over the world. I saw some incredible stuff. But I kept thinking: My girlfriend and I were going to do this together -- and we could be doing so right now if I hadn't been such an idiot. She was going to move in with me, too. Now I'm walking around a big city by myself, and it hit hard how alone I am. Thanks, addict brain!

I got to see a number of the entries that made the Top 10. There's an art jury that selects those, then it's a public vote for the winner. The announcement will be later this week. The most incredible Top 10 entry is the image of a woman on a circle of sand. It looks like a faded photograph, right in the sand, full size. Actually, there are two of them, with the feet facing the middle. The artist sort of explained how he did it, but I didn't get it. But it was very powerful. The woman has a terminal illness, and the message is that life is fleeting -- like sand. I sure as heck know that love is fleeting, too.

Another Top 10 entry was an enormous mosaic of a woman lying on her side. It took 2500 hours to make. Very colorful.

The entry my addict liked best was of half a dozen women's slips hanging from clothes line. Each one had embroidery in it with a saying about a relationship: I'm not going anywhere; I'm not trying to hurt you; I know I can't live without you; so just marry me, then. Definitely ironic. There was a sign that said this is a "touch exhibit." You kind of had to spread out the slips to be able to read some of the sayings. So I touched a slip or two. Big deal. Is that middle circle behavior?

I'm doing paperwork, watching baseball and going to a 12-step meeting this evening. This is life without my lover.

Hope