Joy (day 21 of sobriety)

Today I experienced an unfamiliar feeling, which I had to think about for a moment to identify: Joy.

I started the day with a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting at 6:30 a.m., and I just finished another one at 10 p.m. Inbetween, I worked for several hours, met with my attorney regarding an upcoming hearing in my divorce, and drove 45 minutes each way to pick up a piece of office furniture. For most of the day, I was on the emotional rollercoaster that I've been riding since my lover broke up with me several weeks ago for cheating on her. I've been working the 12-step program hard but still have been feeling overwhelmed with guilt and shame. It hit especially hard as I left the attorney's office. It was a difficult meeting, and the hearing is going to be contentious. Anf I thought, "I want to talk with my girlfriend about this; she'll support me and it will be much easier to handle." That's exactly what she's done in the past. But because of my insane addictive behavior, I have no girlfriend to get support from.

Then this evening I went to church. After the breakup, I rejoined the church's Praise Team, which I had performed with several years ago. I was in such desperate need for fellowship, and they welcomed me back. So tonight I helped sing several gospel tunes. One is a real rocker with the line: "I just feel like something good is about to happen.... Something good is on its way." Of course, I haven't been feeling that way at all lately. But as I sang it, and saw the congregation responding, the joy just rushed through me. It was a shocking feeling. I savored it, let it roll around inside of me. I was singing with all my heart and furiously banging the tambourine, and by the end of the song I was drenched in sweat. My girlfriend used to go to church with me, though she is a nonbeliever, and she kept asking me if she was inhibiting my participation. I said no and I believe that is the truth. But it also is true that I had not let go like this in her presence.

When our performance was over, I went and sat down in preparation to hear the sermon. And this thought came to me: I don't NEED her, any more than I need my addiction. I still love her; I'd still like another chance with her, if she can see her way to forgiveness and trust. But I don't need her. What I do need is to know how to feel joy, despite what I have done.