Temptation returns (day 16 of sobriety)

WARNING: This entry gets a little bit graphic. I truly apologize if anyone is triggered.


This seems to be the time of day for me now. I've always been an early riser, but 3 or 4 is ridiculous. Yet I haven't been able to fall back asleep these last two weeks, and this usually is a productive time....

Well, I knew this lack of lust would not stay with me long. I was very tempted yesterday to act out. I almost did. It wasn't desire that tempted me; it was emotional pain. I feel so guilty, so ashamed, so remorseful, so depressed, so SAD ... that I feel like I can't stand it. That I have to do something to STOP it. And the endorphins of orgasm are my drug of choice, of course. I really really wanted to masturbate, to feel better, even for a few moments. And the conversation in my head, usually two voices, this time had three:

Needy me: If you do that, you'll never get her back! You have to prove to her that you are serious about sobriety.

Recovery me: A woman is not the reason to stay sober, not the motivation to get sober. You need to do this for YOU.

Addict me: What's wrong with feeling better for a moment? This hurts too much!

These three voices were banging around in my head, and I thought: Well, let's rank the arguments. And here was the rank I had in that moment:

1. I am in unbearable pain
2. I miss my ex-lover so much.
3. I need to get healthy.

So I put my hand on myself. And God intervened. No erection. Not even a hint of one. Then came the three voices:

Needy me: Maybe you're older than you thought. Maybe you've gone impotent. She'll never take you back now.

Addict me: You can do it! You better prove you still can do it! You deserve to feel better!

Recovery me: God has stilled your blood flow to that member.

So ... I stopped.

But then ... it occurred to me that a few moments of touching could be considered a violation of sobriety. After all, technically I WAS masturbating. And part of my commitment to myself is to not "run for comfort," whether it's orgasm or ice cream. Yet I've had ice cream in the last 15 days. So is that a violation of my sobriety? LOL

I realized that I needed to better define this for myself. I actually looked up a few words in the dictionary: celibacy, chastity, abstinence. All referred to not engaging in sexual intercourse. Bill Clinton's definition! "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." Then he could claim that he did not purjer himself because he did not have sexual INTERCOURSE. And that's the mind-bending definition a lot of people use today. (Thanks, Bill!) Which certainly allows for a lot of sexual activity, both with another and with oneself!

But Bill Clinton's definition is ridiculous. NO ORGASMS: That's my definition. No orgasms until I'm divorced, whenever that is. There's a preliminary court hearing soon, and I have a sneaky suspicion I'm going to be blind-sided.

Stay on the issue! No orgasms, that's for sure. But what about intentional touching for pleasure, for COMFORT???????!!!!! So I better redefine my commitment more specifically: NO INTENTIONAL ERECTIONS. OK, that's good. But what about intentional touching that stops when the erection begins?

WAIT! This is my addict at work. Trying to muddy the waters. Bringing up technicalities, loopholes, reservations. I learned in inpatient treatment how to recognize when I am running from my feelings, and I acquired tools to STOP IT. As quickly as possible. GET YOUR HAND AWAY FROM THERE!!! LOL But I'm not resetting sobriety for that. Whew. Glad I've got that settled. Because there's another major issue:

My fetish. My fetish is physical punishment, both administering and receiving. It's my fetish for varied and complicated reasons which I am not going to explore this morning. But my reason to receive it is to release emotional pain, to turn it into physical pain, which for me (and many others) is easier to deal with than emotional pain.

I deeply feel that need now. This constant ache in the pit of my stomach, this constant low-grade headache, this constant nerve-tingling anxiety -- are all PHYSICAL feelings that are extremely uncomfortable. So why not turn it into one big explosion of physical pain and get rid of it?

Needy me: I need to be punished for what I've done.

Addict me: You'll feel better afterwards.

Recovery me: You have to fully FEEL your feelings in order to deal with them.

So I spent the day yesterday filled with two seemingly conflicting desires: I wanted pleasure, and I wanted pain.

With God's help, I will turn away from both these artifical and momentary comforts. True comfort does not come in a moment. In fact, the path to true comfort has 12 steps.