Praise (day 17 of sobriety)

I spent the last 24 hours with a group from my church. We drove to another community and attended a service, and our praise team performed. I had been on the praise team years ago, and joined again after the breakup with my lover three weeks ago. I knew that I needed spiritual assistance, and singing is one of the ways I can tap into my spirituality.

For me, being at church is as good as a 12-step meeting. Both are all about surrender, admitting that I cannot live a good life without help from my higher power. My pastor is not a 12-stepper, but his sermons dovetail perfectly.

It was moving to perform, it was moving to hear the other praise team perform, and the sermon was moving. Most of all, though, was the friendship and community shown me by the church. I had never gone on a trip with them before, and they accepted me absolutely. Of course, four big guys in one hotel room leads to quick acceptance!

Despite all the joy and praise and acceptance, I had to fight some sadness. I would have invited my lover to come to this event, and we drove right past her town on our way there. She is not a Christian, and had been going to church with me mostly as a courtesy, though she expressed a lot of curiosity, and we even read the Bible together for a couple weeks and had deep and fascinating discussions. But it was an area of some conflict between us, though it was my infidelity that led to the breakup. But today I realized that if I ever find another partner, I want her to be a Christian. But if I ever were able to reunite with my lover, I would accept being with a non-Christian. Because I knew that going into the relationship, and I know she and I could make it work.

I have never before considered religion in selecting a partner. Of course I haven't had very many partners, having been in a marriage of more than 30 years which I also destroyed due to infidelity. Some Christian I am, huh?

So ... it felt a little odd to realize this today, that if my lover will not have me back and I start dating, that I will only date Christian women.

But once again I'm getting ahead of myself. I have made a commitment to celibacy and no dating until my divorce is final later this year. And between now and then, my focus needs to be on sobriety, not future-tripping about women. I didn't get a chance to do a meeting yesterday because of work and travel, and I missed my regular Saturday morning meeting today. So I'm going to do a telephone meeting in a half hour. I need it. Church was great but I need 12-step!