I used to love Friday night (day 23 of sobriety)

Friday has become the toughest evening for me, because that's when my lover and I would get together. I get off work at 4, and either she would be showing up soon at my place, or I would be hustling to pack and head the 100 miles to hers.

I loved standing on my porch and waiting for her red car to come around the corner and park in front of my house. She usually took her time getting out of the car, for whatever reason, but I would wait patiently and then meet her at the trunk, kiss and hug her, and carry her stuff inside.

This might seem unlikely for a sex addict to say, but it is not the Friday night love-making that I miss most. It's the companionship: just having her in my house, or me being in hers, chitchatting, sitting next to each other -- just being a loving couple. Why I threw that away for a couple of sex acts I will never understand. But I do understand this: NEVER AGAIN. Whether I am lucky enough to get her back, or lucky enough to eventually wind up with someone else: NEVER AGAIN.

This is the worst guilt, shame and regret I have ever felt. I wonder why this hurts more than the dissolution of my marriage. Maybe because my marriage hadn't worked for many years, when this relationship WAS working -- we definitely had a future, though we had not agreed on exactly what that was. That was part of the problem: In my selfishness, I was not satisfied being with her just on the weekends; I wanted her seven days a week. She was looking forward to that, but she was not quite ready, and I pushed when I shouldn't have. That didn't break us up, though; my infidelity did.

Now I would be elated to have her just on the weekends. Instead, I have her not at all. I am lonely for female companionship, but I am not interested in any other female companions. I just want her. And I am very very unlikely to ever have her.

So here I am, alone for the night at 4:30 p.m. My best friend works Friday nights; another friend is out of town. I could have called someone else, but didn't have the energy to keep trying. There are no 12-step meetings in my town Friday night, though I certainly can do a phone meeting. But basically I have nothing to do. When, if I had not allowed my addiction to overwhelm me, I'd be having fun with an incredible girl.

This is the price I pay, and it's a heavy cost, and maybe even heavier to her, since she's the betrayed party. So I must make sure: Never again. I truly believe my sex addiction is dead, though that's not something we're supposed to say in the program. But there are many sex addicts who stopped cold turkey and never relapsed. Some after many unsuccessful attempts (like me). So ... never again. No more victims, no more shame.

And if dreams ever come true, some day my lover and I will be together again on a Friday night.

Hope