Seeking forgiveness (day 4 of new sobriety)

From an incredible book I am reading called Voice of the Heart.:

"Guilt is what we feel when we actually do something wrong .... wound others, fail our personal value system and standards, and cause regret upon regret."

I have done all of the above to my lover.

"The amount of forgiveness I receive is directly related to my willingness to be fully truthful, exposed, and surrendered -- that is, humbled (healthy shame). This is what makes guilt so painful and forgiveness so terrifying."

I will be terrified to call her and ask forgiveness, but I know I must do it when the time comes.

"When we go to someone we have harmed and expose our hearts in guilt, they will offer forgiveness (then or over time), or they will maintain distrust and resentment in their inability or unwillingness to forgive."

She told me from the beginning that she had trust issues, and I betrayed that trust, so I fear she will have great difficulty forgiving.

"If we are truthful and vulnerable in seeking forgiveness, then we will be free of the pain of guilt because in honestly seeking forgiveness we exposed our hearts for relationship."

This I will do: expose my heart.

"In both situations (forgiveness or not), our hearts are given back to us, one in reconciliation and freedom, the other in sadness, hope and freedom. The decision the others make is whether to honor our hearts."

I pray that she will honor my heart.

"Whenever we genuinely seek forgiveness, we are free, whether the others forgive us or not."

If she does not forgive me, then I will have to better understand how I am still free of guilt without her forgiveness. This will be a great challenge for me, to not fall into toxic shame.

In a month or so, on the day my divorce is final, I will know....

Hope