Dealing with obsession (day 9 of new sobriety)

The night before last I noticed that my lover's screen name was no longer available on yahoo chat. She keeps her phone on constantly, so she's always available. I thought maybe she had her phone off for some reason. But the next day she still was "gone," and has remained so. It seems to mean one of two things: She has blocked me from chat, or she has gotten a new phone number. If she got a new phone number, she may have moved out of state.

Any of the above possibilities are bad for possible reunification. It threw me. Yesterday I obsessed about what could be going on. I was upset. It's just one more sign that the chance of reunification is virtually nonexistent.

I made some phone calls to guys in the program and they commiserated with me. I did a midnight SA telephone meeting. Those things helped, and today I have not felt obsessed. But I know it could come back at any moment.

UPDATE added to this post: SHE'S BACK AVAILABLE! Who knows what happened, but I put myself through a lot of anxiety for nothing. That's obsession, folks. That's addiction.

Tonight my sister and I had a long talk. I told her all about my fetish behavior. She now knows more than anyone except for my lover and the Keystone staff and fellow "inmates." It felt easy to talk to my sister, and it felt good. She asked me lots of questions about my relationship with my lover, and challenged me on some of my thinking.

My lover cheated on her previous partner. Several times she met with a guy who spanked her and had sex with her. Then she got spanked by me once before she and her boyfriend broke up. I asked her once if she she would have expected forgiveness if he had ever found out, and she said no. Which is another bad sign as far as her forgiving me.

But it reminds me that she is no saint. I need to stop idealizing her. She's a great woman and we definitely were in love. But she's not my perfect match. (Just close.)

This is hard to say, but ... if she doesn't believe in forgiveness -- either forgiving others (like me) or being forgiven by those she has harmed -- then she's not the partner for me. I definitely believe in forgiveness. I have forgiven my parents for what they did to me. I have forgiven a couple of bosses. I have forgiven a former partner who cheated on me throughout our relationship. (Exactly what I did to my lover.) I need a partner who believes in forgiveness. Maybe it will be her. I have hope ... and doubt.

My sponsor said to me yesterday: "You know, she didn't have to leave you. She could have stayed with you, knowing what you did and knowing what she did to her previous partner. You hurt and betrayed her, but she left you because of her own issues." That was a revelation.

I pray to God to help her heal from our breakup. And to help me with my healing. And I affirm: I am forgiveable. God forgives. So I am forgiven by God. I can forgive myself. I haven't yet, but I can and I must. Forgiveness from God and myself are more important than forgiveness from her.

So there!

Hope