Good-bye, Sis (Day 1)

My sister left today after 10 days of staying with me. I got a lot accomplished during that time, much better organized with paperwork, etc. I started exercising. We played Scrabble several times -- something I used to do with my lover. And we talked ... about anything and everything, including our childhood trauma. She told me that our mother admitted to having physically abused me. I don't remember it, but I wasn't shocked, either.

Now my sister and I are closer than we have ever been. It's the second positive thing that has come out of being caught cheating and losing the best relationship I ever had. The first is my commitment to rigorous honesty.

I don't believe that line of Nietschze's: "That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger." Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn't. I'm sorry, but brain damage doesn't make us stronger in any way at all.

I do believe I am learning plenty from this devastating time. But I think I should have learned it without victimizing my lover. I apologize. Again.

I was in a meeting this morning when a guy said, "We change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change." That's where I am: I just cannot stand what I did to her. I cannot stand living a secret life, lying to EVERYONE, being so alone in my secrecy and lies. I WANT to change, and I think I have. I may never get a chance to prove it to my lover, but that doesn't negate the fact that I have changed.

I have this odd hope -- I know it's probably 1 percent -- that we'll reunite. Maybe it's just a fantasy to help keep me going. I know this: I will never forget the love we shared and the fun we had together. It may have been the most fun 8 months of my life. I thank you, my lover, for that.

Hope