A little update (day 8)

"Without God, I can't
Without me, God won't."


This is the longest I've gone without an entry since I started. I guess I just haven't had a lot to say. I'm continuing to work my 12-step program, averaging a meeting a day. I'm continuing to be rigorously honest, except for not telling my psychiatrist about having stopped one of my medications. But I'm going to call him and come clean. It's been bothering me ... a lot. And my counselor says he can hook me up with another psychiatrist if mine fires me -- which he threatened to do the last time I went off meds. When I call him, can I regain my previous sobriety of 20-some days? I still did a lie of omission, but then I will have undone it. I sort of want those days back. Is that kosher? I'll have to ask my sponsor.

It looks like the divorce settlement is just about done. We have a hearing next week, and we've figured out the finances. I don't know if that means the divorce could be finalized that quickly? I emailed my lawyer but he didn't respond.

I want the divorce to be finalized asap. Mostly so I can call my lover, hear her voice again, and see if there's any chance for us. (After I cheated on her, I promised not to contact her until the divorce is final.) But the truth is that I expect that both relationships -- wife and lover -- will come to their final conclusion on the same day. I dread that day and look forward to it, too. Because I will finally know. It's been difficult not knowing. I'm not a patient person, not good at waiting at all. But God is teaching me patience.

I'm still in love with her, that's for sure. Sometimes I open her yahoo chat box and write messages to her -- "I love you, I adore you" -- and then delete them without sending. It's a total fantasy, but it makes me feel good that I can "tell her" -- even though I'm not telling her at all. Sad, huh?

I hope she will forgive and want to try again. But if not, I will move on, eventually finding another partner (hopefully), and making sure I do that next relationship right: rigorous honesty. No lies of commission, no lies of omission, no exaggerations. Total openness. Transparent.

The only truly good thing that has come out of my latest acting out is that I have become much closer with my younger sister. She stayed with me 10 days, and we've been emailing and calling since. She's now one of the people closest to me, and she knows about my addiction. Is it worth it to lose a lover to gain a deep relationship with a sister?

Hope