Acting "as if."

12-step talks a lot about acting "as if" -- that is, doing the next right thing even when every fiber may be fighting to act out. Act "as if" you're sober, and you'll be sober!

That also means it's OK to do the right things for the wrong reasons ... until I get my head around the right reasons. So I'm going to quit beating myself up about wanting to stay sober for the chance of reuniting with my lover. The key is that I'm sober, not what's motivating me. If she eventually turns me down, then hopefully by then I'll have been sober long enough to stay sober ... for the right reasons.

Yesterday I was really down, and I contacted her even though we had agreed that I wouldn't until my divorce is final sometime later this year. She chatted with me, even though it was obvious she didn't want to. She's such a woman of grace.

She said she couldn't say anything to help me feel better. She said she does not have hope for us. She said she doesn't know if she could ever trust me again. She said she doesn't know how she feels about me anymore. She said. "Getting back together would require some leap of faith on my part that I don't know if I can make." She said she doesn't want to think about us now, and she will revisit the situation when I am divorced.

This made my heart soar with hope! There still is a chance! If that chance helps keep me sober, that's OK!

So I agreed again not to contact her until I am divorced, and this time I need to stick to it. I may be totally crazy, but something inside me has faith that she will be able to make that leap of faith back to trust and love. I believe she's that incredible. And if not ... I'll have acted "as if"!