In the death of the night, in the day’s wee small
I feel her presence, hear her call:
“You laid waste to my love, rampaged my trust
Turned them to ashes and to dust.
"Deny not this rebuke, tell me not your lies
That’s what you’ve done all your life.”
Then her voice drifts away, but the words dwell on
I feel the charge of what I’ve done:
I cannot recompense, I don’t have what’s gone
I can stop taking … from woman
Hope
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
The things I'll miss
This might be a form of self-torture, but I just felt like writing a list of the things I'll miss most about my ex-girlfriend. They are in no particular order except I'm keeping the last one last. I may keep adding to this as the thoughts come:
Her skill at board games
Her cooking
Her calmness when traveling
Her smile
Her hair
Her love of dancing, and the way she dances
Her desire to cuddle
Her love for my dog
Her skill at love-making
Her saying to me, "What's up, pup?"
Her intelligence
Her reading to me
Her sharing of my fetish
Her support as I go through my divorce
Her politeness
Her grace
Her acceptance of my friends
Her concern for others
Her passion about just about everything, from politics to vacuum cleaners.
And maybe most of all: Her gorgeous prominent cheekbones!
Her skill at board games
Her cooking
Her calmness when traveling
Her smile
Her hair
Her love of dancing, and the way she dances
Her desire to cuddle
Her love for my dog
Her skill at love-making
Her saying to me, "What's up, pup?"
Her intelligence
Her reading to me
Her sharing of my fetish
Her support as I go through my divorce
Her politeness
Her grace
Her acceptance of my friends
Her concern for others
Her passion about just about everything, from politics to vacuum cleaners.
And maybe most of all: Her gorgeous prominent cheekbones!
Great shares (day 14 of sobriety)
Here are some things I have heard in 12-step meetings lately:
From a guy with more than two years of sobriety:
"The guy who wants to act out? That's not me. That's the addict inside of me. He used to be big but now he's not so big. He used to be strong but now he's not so strong."
My sponsor on "Building Partnerships":
"First learn how to formulate relationships with men in the rooms. Go to THEM for love, comfort, support, hugs. I'm never alone if I have God in one hand and the fellowship in the other."
My sponsor to those who feel like they need a partner to feel complete:
"In relationships, two halves don't make a whole. Two wholes make a whole. Two halves will never work. A woman does not complete me."
Hope
From a guy with more than two years of sobriety:
"The guy who wants to act out? That's not me. That's the addict inside of me. He used to be big but now he's not so big. He used to be strong but now he's not so strong."
My sponsor on "Building Partnerships":
"First learn how to formulate relationships with men in the rooms. Go to THEM for love, comfort, support, hugs. I'm never alone if I have God in one hand and the fellowship in the other."
My sponsor to those who feel like they need a partner to feel complete:
"In relationships, two halves don't make a whole. Two wholes make a whole. Two halves will never work. A woman does not complete me."
Hope
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
A new beginning (day 13 of sobriety)
Well, a lot has happened in the last couple days. The upshot is no more contact with my ex-lover until my divorce is final. And while I know I will miss even texting with her, this is best for the mental health of us both. And surprisingly, I feel a sense of relief. It's over, it's truly over after two weeks of me fighting against that. I'm not even going to think about the off-chance of us getting back together. And I can take all the time I have focused on her -- both before our breakup and after -- and put it toward the program, toward sobriety.
On Sunday night, a text conversation with her ended badly, with her crying hysterically on the phone. I had left her a voice mail -- a mistake, since she had asked me not to call. But texting is so frustrating for me; I have a number pad and fat thumbs; she has a keyboard and little thumbs. I could not keep up with her. I'd be trying to respond to one text and she would send me three more! Of course, I now realize she probably didn't need any response from me; she needed to express her anger and sense of betrayal. But in my frustration I called; she did not answer; I left a voice mail asking if we could communicate another way -- like chat.
Five minutes after the text conversation ended, she called in hysterics. She was crying so hard that I couldn't understand anything other than that she had listened to my voice mail and wished that she hadn't, that she had just deleted it. She got off the phone; I was stunned. What had I said? I couldn't even fully remember. But I was terribly worried about her, and sent her an email suggesting ways she could get help.
She emailed back yesterday saying she felt much better, and that just hearing my voice had set her off. We emailed back and forth and agreed that we should stop communicating until I am divorced -- except for her sharing the results of her STD tests, which she was scheduled to get yesterday.
Yes, she feared I had given her an STD through my cheating. For some reason, I am confident that I do not have an STD, but that might just be my addict talking.
So all day yesterday I worried about the results. If she were HIV positive, I would hate myself forever. I wasn't even thinking about what that would mean for me!
I went to a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting at noon yesterday, and just broke down during my share, expressing my fear that I may have damaged her physically as well as emotionally. I told the group I didn't think I could handle that. They shared phone numbers and urged me to call if I got bad news. When 5 p.m. passed, I figured I would have to wait another day to find out.
I was busy and didn't see it until after 9, but at 6:01 p.m. she sent the last text I will probably ever get from her: "All tests were negative." I guess that's about the best news one could receive in a final text.
I wish her healing. I wish her Godspeed.
I believe I can stop worrying about her. She's a strong lady; eventually she'll get over what I did to her.
We did agree that when my divorce is final, I will contact her. For what? Who knows. I can't be worrying about that either. It's all about sobriety and managing my day-to-day life. And learning to live without a romantic relationship. Maybe, if I'm lucky, even enjoying it occasionally.
Hope
On Sunday night, a text conversation with her ended badly, with her crying hysterically on the phone. I had left her a voice mail -- a mistake, since she had asked me not to call. But texting is so frustrating for me; I have a number pad and fat thumbs; she has a keyboard and little thumbs. I could not keep up with her. I'd be trying to respond to one text and she would send me three more! Of course, I now realize she probably didn't need any response from me; she needed to express her anger and sense of betrayal. But in my frustration I called; she did not answer; I left a voice mail asking if we could communicate another way -- like chat.
Five minutes after the text conversation ended, she called in hysterics. She was crying so hard that I couldn't understand anything other than that she had listened to my voice mail and wished that she hadn't, that she had just deleted it. She got off the phone; I was stunned. What had I said? I couldn't even fully remember. But I was terribly worried about her, and sent her an email suggesting ways she could get help.
She emailed back yesterday saying she felt much better, and that just hearing my voice had set her off. We emailed back and forth and agreed that we should stop communicating until I am divorced -- except for her sharing the results of her STD tests, which she was scheduled to get yesterday.
Yes, she feared I had given her an STD through my cheating. For some reason, I am confident that I do not have an STD, but that might just be my addict talking.
So all day yesterday I worried about the results. If she were HIV positive, I would hate myself forever. I wasn't even thinking about what that would mean for me!
I went to a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting at noon yesterday, and just broke down during my share, expressing my fear that I may have damaged her physically as well as emotionally. I told the group I didn't think I could handle that. They shared phone numbers and urged me to call if I got bad news. When 5 p.m. passed, I figured I would have to wait another day to find out.
I was busy and didn't see it until after 9, but at 6:01 p.m. she sent the last text I will probably ever get from her: "All tests were negative." I guess that's about the best news one could receive in a final text.
I wish her healing. I wish her Godspeed.
I believe I can stop worrying about her. She's a strong lady; eventually she'll get over what I did to her.
We did agree that when my divorce is final, I will contact her. For what? Who knows. I can't be worrying about that either. It's all about sobriety and managing my day-to-day life. And learning to live without a romantic relationship. Maybe, if I'm lucky, even enjoying it occasionally.
Hope
Sunday, September 26, 2010
A bible passage
I don't think I'm going to bring up much religion here, because I know addicts are from all faiths and also atheists and agnostics. (My ex-lover is an agnostic.) But I subscribe to a daily devotional called The Upper Room, and here is the verse sent for today, with no comment necessary other than "amen":
"Anyone united to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. Shun fornication! Every sin that a person commits is outside the body; but the fornicator sins against the body itself. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, which you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you were bought with a price; therefore glorify God in your body."
-1 Corinthians 6:17-20 (NRSV)
"Anyone united to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. Shun fornication! Every sin that a person commits is outside the body; but the fornicator sins against the body itself. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, which you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you were bought with a price; therefore glorify God in your body."
-1 Corinthians 6:17-20 (NRSV)
Forgiveness (day 11 of sobriety)
Besides losing love and romance and companionship and sex when I cheated on my girlfriend, I also lost a partner who is extremely intelligent and analytical. She proved it again last night.
We've been texting just a little bit late at night. She doesn't want to talk with me on the phone or see me, but the texting has been OK. Last night I committed myself to not bring up our relationship, because I truly do not want to upset her. We chatted about this blog and how to get more readers, and I was just signing off when she sent me a message about forgiveness.
Well, my heart soared that she even felt ready to talk about such a thing. I misread the message, thinking that she was commenting that we all need to forgive ourselves for the bad things we do, and I responded that I felt too ashamed with myself to do that right now. But she responded:
"I mean that forgiving others is a gift you give to yourself because it releases you from anger."
I don't know if that's her line or someone else's (I'll have to ask her), but I find it extremely profound. I know how angry she is with me for the lies I told and the things I did. And I know how anger -- which for me takes the form of resentment -- can eat someone alive from the inside out. I texted back and asked if she were working on forgiveness, and she replied:
"I am working on it. But not for you or us, but for me. I have to think only about what is best and healthy for me."
Another profound statement, and one my readers know that I have been struggling with: to focus on my sobriety, on me getting better, and not on the lost relationship or the unlikely possibility of reunification.
I sat with the phone in my hand, realizing once again how smart this lady is. I fought against turning that thought into, "Look what you threw away, you effing idiot!" And instead focus on her words: "I have to think only what is best and healthy for me." They say that a lot in the 12-step program, but often with a negative spin: That people in recovery have to be "selfish" in a way. They mean addicts have to put recovery first, even before family. A lot of times a marriage falls apart once the addict is in recovery, when one would think it would get better. That's not just because the addict is focusing on recovery above family, but because the marriage dynamic was unhealthy, creating codependence that contributed to the addiction. That was true for me, and my wife and I separated a year after I completed inpatient treatment. But it's certainly ironic that the addict -- who has been incredibly selfish while acting out -- also has to be "selfish" in recovery! Of course it's not the same thing. It's not truly being selfish to concentrate on one's health, and I don't mean to imply that my lover is being selfish in any way. She's a woman of Grace, and I treasure each time she is willing to communicate with me.
I was just thinking that forgiveness would be wonderful for ME, even if she did it for herself, when she texted:
"It would release anger but it doesn't take away hurt or distrust."
I felt a pain in my gut. I had been thinking about the words "I forgive you" more globally: That it releases all those bad feelings, and allows the possibility of a new beginning. But that is not what she is saying: She could forgive me, but still not trust me. She could forgive me, and still feel deeply wounded by me. And an untrusting wounded woman is not going to be ready to even consider reunification.
Once again I had been jumping to conclusions, putting my definition in someone else's mouth, and thinking that someone meant more than they did. I know better than that. I know I need to ask people for definitions of the "big words" like "love" and "forgiveness." But I often don't, and assume my own definition instead.
Yet I forced myself back to the basic truth of what she said: She is working on forgiving me. Yes, she's doing it for herself, as she and I know she must. But it also would be a blessing to an addict in recovery.
Hope
We've been texting just a little bit late at night. She doesn't want to talk with me on the phone or see me, but the texting has been OK. Last night I committed myself to not bring up our relationship, because I truly do not want to upset her. We chatted about this blog and how to get more readers, and I was just signing off when she sent me a message about forgiveness.
Well, my heart soared that she even felt ready to talk about such a thing. I misread the message, thinking that she was commenting that we all need to forgive ourselves for the bad things we do, and I responded that I felt too ashamed with myself to do that right now. But she responded:
"I mean that forgiving others is a gift you give to yourself because it releases you from anger."
I don't know if that's her line or someone else's (I'll have to ask her), but I find it extremely profound. I know how angry she is with me for the lies I told and the things I did. And I know how anger -- which for me takes the form of resentment -- can eat someone alive from the inside out. I texted back and asked if she were working on forgiveness, and she replied:
"I am working on it. But not for you or us, but for me. I have to think only about what is best and healthy for me."
Another profound statement, and one my readers know that I have been struggling with: to focus on my sobriety, on me getting better, and not on the lost relationship or the unlikely possibility of reunification.
I sat with the phone in my hand, realizing once again how smart this lady is. I fought against turning that thought into, "Look what you threw away, you effing idiot!" And instead focus on her words: "I have to think only what is best and healthy for me." They say that a lot in the 12-step program, but often with a negative spin: That people in recovery have to be "selfish" in a way. They mean addicts have to put recovery first, even before family. A lot of times a marriage falls apart once the addict is in recovery, when one would think it would get better. That's not just because the addict is focusing on recovery above family, but because the marriage dynamic was unhealthy, creating codependence that contributed to the addiction. That was true for me, and my wife and I separated a year after I completed inpatient treatment. But it's certainly ironic that the addict -- who has been incredibly selfish while acting out -- also has to be "selfish" in recovery! Of course it's not the same thing. It's not truly being selfish to concentrate on one's health, and I don't mean to imply that my lover is being selfish in any way. She's a woman of Grace, and I treasure each time she is willing to communicate with me.
I was just thinking that forgiveness would be wonderful for ME, even if she did it for herself, when she texted:
"It would release anger but it doesn't take away hurt or distrust."
I felt a pain in my gut. I had been thinking about the words "I forgive you" more globally: That it releases all those bad feelings, and allows the possibility of a new beginning. But that is not what she is saying: She could forgive me, but still not trust me. She could forgive me, and still feel deeply wounded by me. And an untrusting wounded woman is not going to be ready to even consider reunification.
Once again I had been jumping to conclusions, putting my definition in someone else's mouth, and thinking that someone meant more than they did. I know better than that. I know I need to ask people for definitions of the "big words" like "love" and "forgiveness." But I often don't, and assume my own definition instead.
Yet I forced myself back to the basic truth of what she said: She is working on forgiving me. Yes, she's doing it for herself, as she and I know she must. But it also would be a blessing to an addict in recovery.
Hope
No desire
For the 10 days of my sobriety, I have had absolutely no desire for orgasm. Even in my fantasies of reuniting with my girlfriend, we are holding each other and love-talking, not making love. I truly believe I am going to maintain this celibacy for the next couple months, and keep working the 12-step program HARD (no pun intended). And only good can come from that...
Hope
Hope
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Art and miracles
Today a (male) friend and I walked around a huge art exhibit that is in our town for a couple weeks. It was an exhibit I was going to take my lover to. I saw a lot of fascinating sculptures and paintings, but I had to keep fighting this insistent voice that was whispering to me, "She could have been here, she could have been here, she could have been here." I went to a 12-step meeting this morning and I'll probably do a phone meeting tonight, but I just feel overwhelmed with guilt, shame and loneliness.
We went looking for one particular sculpture because the Romanian sculptor is a friend of the guy I was with. The sculpture is 10 huge gold-colored obelisks in a circle, sort of a Stonehenge feel. I'll try to get a picture of it to add here. From the outside, the obelisks have a very sharp edge facing out. But when you step inside the circle, the inside of the obelisks is rounded, with a bump at the bottom that you actually can sit on. And from the inside you notice that the obelisks curl inward at the top, and that each obelisk has several sections. I realized that they are fingers! The 10 fingers of God! It felt very safe in there, like we were being held in God's hands. And a lot of other people felt that, too; I could hear them talking and see it on their faces.
Then my friend went to introduce himself to the artist, Liviu Mocan, and they spoke about their mutual friend. The sculptor then asked if we wanted an explanation of the work, which is titled Invitation/Decalogue and has been on tour around the world.
Sure enough, he said, it is the 10 fingers of God, holding us in his love. But the obelisks also are the Ten Commandments, and the sharp edges are the swords of God's judgment. The spaces between the obelisks represent our choices: We can walk inside God's love, but we also can walk away from it into judgment.
"God doesn't just love us," Mocan said. "He punishes us when we don't follow his laws."
The sculptor was making eye contact with me as he said this. I felt so convicted. I have broken God's laws repeatedly, and I certainly feel like I am being punished.
But truthfully, I don't really believe in a vengeful God. Instead, I believe I am suffering the consequences of my actions. It's not punishment, it's the result of my acting out. And in a way it is exactly what I deserve. But in another way I don't deserve it, because I have a disease. One thing I know for sure: My lover doesn't deserve the pain she is feeling now. And that pain is because of me.
I felt sick to my stomach. I thought maybe I was going to throw up, from guilt and grief.
The last two days I have felt worse, rather than better. I think it's because the reality is sinking in. Yesterday through my tears I realized that this is the worst I have felt since a foster daughter who had lived with us for a year and a half was basically ripped out of the arms of me and my ex-wife and adopted by someone else. I loved my foster daughter so much, and I thought I'd never see her again. I wanted to die. I actually considered it. But I hung on. I started going to church, and eventually "got saved." Whether you believe in that or not, I guarantee you that the experience is powerful and healing. And lo and behold, a miracle happened. The adoption failed, and we got her back! And adopted her! Praise God.
So there is something to hang onto. I've been blessed with one miracle, maybe I can be blessed with another. Maybe I'll establish long-term sobriety -- no, lifelong sobriety, like Bill W of AA was able to do. Maybe my lover will see her way to forgive me, and we'll get back together. Is it too selfish of me to want a second miracle? Probably. But I am in control of half of that miracle: lifelong sobriety. With God's help, I can make that miracle happen. Her forgiveness? That's totally out of my control. Her forgiveness is up to her and her higher power as she has come to understand it.
So I have to do my part. "Keep your own side of the street clean," they say in 12-step, "and good things will happen." Part of what I have to do is work the program as hard as I can. Another thing I have to do is be patient. Wait. Waiting worked before -- I got my daughter back. What a tragedy it would have been if I had committed suicide and then the adoption had failed and she wouldn't have had me to come back to! I would have ruined the miracle.
So as bad as I feel right now, I have to work and wait. Work the program, and wait to see how the future turns out with my lover. (Or without her.). Get sober, be sober, stay sober. That's my half of the miracle.
Hope
We went looking for one particular sculpture because the Romanian sculptor is a friend of the guy I was with. The sculpture is 10 huge gold-colored obelisks in a circle, sort of a Stonehenge feel. I'll try to get a picture of it to add here. From the outside, the obelisks have a very sharp edge facing out. But when you step inside the circle, the inside of the obelisks is rounded, with a bump at the bottom that you actually can sit on. And from the inside you notice that the obelisks curl inward at the top, and that each obelisk has several sections. I realized that they are fingers! The 10 fingers of God! It felt very safe in there, like we were being held in God's hands. And a lot of other people felt that, too; I could hear them talking and see it on their faces.
Then my friend went to introduce himself to the artist, Liviu Mocan, and they spoke about their mutual friend. The sculptor then asked if we wanted an explanation of the work, which is titled Invitation/Decalogue and has been on tour around the world.
Sure enough, he said, it is the 10 fingers of God, holding us in his love. But the obelisks also are the Ten Commandments, and the sharp edges are the swords of God's judgment. The spaces between the obelisks represent our choices: We can walk inside God's love, but we also can walk away from it into judgment.
"God doesn't just love us," Mocan said. "He punishes us when we don't follow his laws."
The sculptor was making eye contact with me as he said this. I felt so convicted. I have broken God's laws repeatedly, and I certainly feel like I am being punished.
But truthfully, I don't really believe in a vengeful God. Instead, I believe I am suffering the consequences of my actions. It's not punishment, it's the result of my acting out. And in a way it is exactly what I deserve. But in another way I don't deserve it, because I have a disease. One thing I know for sure: My lover doesn't deserve the pain she is feeling now. And that pain is because of me.
I felt sick to my stomach. I thought maybe I was going to throw up, from guilt and grief.
The last two days I have felt worse, rather than better. I think it's because the reality is sinking in. Yesterday through my tears I realized that this is the worst I have felt since a foster daughter who had lived with us for a year and a half was basically ripped out of the arms of me and my ex-wife and adopted by someone else. I loved my foster daughter so much, and I thought I'd never see her again. I wanted to die. I actually considered it. But I hung on. I started going to church, and eventually "got saved." Whether you believe in that or not, I guarantee you that the experience is powerful and healing. And lo and behold, a miracle happened. The adoption failed, and we got her back! And adopted her! Praise God.
So there is something to hang onto. I've been blessed with one miracle, maybe I can be blessed with another. Maybe I'll establish long-term sobriety -- no, lifelong sobriety, like Bill W of AA was able to do. Maybe my lover will see her way to forgive me, and we'll get back together. Is it too selfish of me to want a second miracle? Probably. But I am in control of half of that miracle: lifelong sobriety. With God's help, I can make that miracle happen. Her forgiveness? That's totally out of my control. Her forgiveness is up to her and her higher power as she has come to understand it.
So I have to do my part. "Keep your own side of the street clean," they say in 12-step, "and good things will happen." Part of what I have to do is work the program as hard as I can. Another thing I have to do is be patient. Wait. Waiting worked before -- I got my daughter back. What a tragedy it would have been if I had committed suicide and then the adoption had failed and she wouldn't have had me to come back to! I would have ruined the miracle.
So as bad as I feel right now, I have to work and wait. Work the program, and wait to see how the future turns out with my lover. (Or without her.). Get sober, be sober, stay sober. That's my half of the miracle.
Hope
Sleep (day 10 of sobriety)
I've been sleeping poorly, 3-5 hours a night. Then exhausted all day, but can't take a nap. Guilty conscience, I guess. But the last two nights I did get in bed, where my lover and I slept together, instead of curling up in my late father's Lazy Boy. I wrote a few days ago that it would be a milestone in my grief recovery when I could actually get into the bed that she and I shared. Well, I have done that ... and it doesn't feel like a milestone at all.
Last night I did a telephone meeting. It was an SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) Step Study, so we read the 9th step (being the 9th month). I'm on step 4, but steps 8-9 have similarities to 4-5 -- you make lists and share them. The part I read out loud from the book included this passage (page 51): "Our apologies will be seen as sincere only when it becomes evident that we now live differently."
So I've been living differently for 10 days. Why hasn't she accepted my apology? When put that way, it seems truly ridiculous, doesn't it? Even my thinking in sobriety is sometimes ridiculous, but not insane like it is while I'm acting out. But I have always been bad with patience. I've wound up with some bad consequences because I pushed the issue and was not willing to wait for a decision from someone else. That's part of my control issue; I don't like someone else having control over me, so I push for a decision even though I know I can get a better outcome by waiting. This goes back to family of origin issues, when I had no control over my life and experienced severe emotional abuse.
This time I am going to wait at least until my divorce is final. Yes, readers, I am pining over a lost love while I am still married to someone else. I'm a sex addict, remember? My commitment is to celibacy and no dating until the divorce is final, which will be sometime in November or December. I hope my girlfriend will still be single then, and will see me. Just a cup of coffee or something. Just to lay eyes on her again.
Even that's somewhat of an impatient attitude, probably. But that's about the maturity level of my patience, and that's a huge jump from what it once was.
The next sentence I read in the SA book says: "Often it takes longer for the people hurt by our behavior to trust us again than it takes for us to make significant progress in our recovery."
Yikes! More patience needed!
I really don't like the next sentence: "In some cases, trust may never be restored."
That gives me a pain in the pit of my stomach. But I have to keep reminding myself: This is not about getting her back; this is about changing my life.
Speaking of changing my life: I haven't told a lie in several weeks (since well before the breakup). It feels really good. Of course I could be lying about not lying. But I'm not. But I can't prove I'm not. People have to trust that I'm telling the truth. And there lies the rub; I've broken their trust, so why should they believe me this time? Only by grace. Maybe it will help them feel grace toward me when they see me working the program so hard. I can hope for that. But there is no cause and effect for grace. That's what grace is: forgiveness bestowed even though it is undeserved. That's asking a lot. God does it, but it's a lot harder for humans. Yet my lover is a woman of grace; I've seen that throughout our relationship.
So ... work the program. Be patient. Focus on sobriety, not her. And whatever her answer, whenever she is ready to give it, I must make sure it has no effect on my sobriety. That's the key. If the answer is no, feel the pain ... and stay sober. If the answer is yes, feel the joy ... and stay sober. If the answer is "I don't know yet," feel the confusion ... and stay sober.
Hey, I think there might be a pattern here!
Hope
Last night I did a telephone meeting. It was an SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) Step Study, so we read the 9th step (being the 9th month). I'm on step 4, but steps 8-9 have similarities to 4-5 -- you make lists and share them. The part I read out loud from the book included this passage (page 51): "Our apologies will be seen as sincere only when it becomes evident that we now live differently."
So I've been living differently for 10 days. Why hasn't she accepted my apology? When put that way, it seems truly ridiculous, doesn't it? Even my thinking in sobriety is sometimes ridiculous, but not insane like it is while I'm acting out. But I have always been bad with patience. I've wound up with some bad consequences because I pushed the issue and was not willing to wait for a decision from someone else. That's part of my control issue; I don't like someone else having control over me, so I push for a decision even though I know I can get a better outcome by waiting. This goes back to family of origin issues, when I had no control over my life and experienced severe emotional abuse.
This time I am going to wait at least until my divorce is final. Yes, readers, I am pining over a lost love while I am still married to someone else. I'm a sex addict, remember? My commitment is to celibacy and no dating until the divorce is final, which will be sometime in November or December. I hope my girlfriend will still be single then, and will see me. Just a cup of coffee or something. Just to lay eyes on her again.
Even that's somewhat of an impatient attitude, probably. But that's about the maturity level of my patience, and that's a huge jump from what it once was.
The next sentence I read in the SA book says: "Often it takes longer for the people hurt by our behavior to trust us again than it takes for us to make significant progress in our recovery."
Yikes! More patience needed!
I really don't like the next sentence: "In some cases, trust may never be restored."
That gives me a pain in the pit of my stomach. But I have to keep reminding myself: This is not about getting her back; this is about changing my life.
Speaking of changing my life: I haven't told a lie in several weeks (since well before the breakup). It feels really good. Of course I could be lying about not lying. But I'm not. But I can't prove I'm not. People have to trust that I'm telling the truth. And there lies the rub; I've broken their trust, so why should they believe me this time? Only by grace. Maybe it will help them feel grace toward me when they see me working the program so hard. I can hope for that. But there is no cause and effect for grace. That's what grace is: forgiveness bestowed even though it is undeserved. That's asking a lot. God does it, but it's a lot harder for humans. Yet my lover is a woman of grace; I've seen that throughout our relationship.
So ... work the program. Be patient. Focus on sobriety, not her. And whatever her answer, whenever she is ready to give it, I must make sure it has no effect on my sobriety. That's the key. If the answer is no, feel the pain ... and stay sober. If the answer is yes, feel the joy ... and stay sober. If the answer is "I don't know yet," feel the confusion ... and stay sober.
Hey, I think there might be a pattern here!
Hope
Friday, September 24, 2010
A conversation with myself
Remorseful me: It's Friday evening, and I should be driving to her house right now to spend the weekend with her.
Recovery me: But you can't.
Remorseful me: This seems like a bad dream.
Recovery me: But it's reality.
Remorseful me: How could I have done those things to her?
Recovery me: You have a disease.
Remorseful me: But it makes no sense! I cheated on a woman who was giving me great sex!
Recovery me: Unfortunately, there is no logic to addiction. When in active addiction, we do things we don't really want to do. We are powerless.
Remorseful me: I didn't even enjoy it!
Recovery me: Well, that's good news.
Remorseful me: It doesn't feel like it. I destroyed a relationship for no reason, doing something that I didn't enjoy.
Recovery me: Sounds crazy, doesn't it?
Remorseful me: It IS crazy.
Recovery me: This disease is cunning, baffling, powerful and patient.
Remorseful me: I feel so bad. I just want to go back in time and fix this.
Recovery me: But you can't.
Remorseful me: Can't she just forgive me?
Recovery me: She can't forgive you right now. She's too hurt.
Remorseful me: But I've learned my lesson. I swear it!
Recovery me: That may be so. But you also need time to work the program.
Remorseful me: I want her back right now.
Recovery me: You can't have that.
Remorseful me: I'm so lonely.
Recovery me: Yes.
Remorseful me: I can't stand it.
Recovery me: Actually you can. Sit with that feeling. Allow yourself to feel it.
Remorseful me: But it hurts!
Recovery me: Yes.
Remorseful me: It hurts too much! I need it to go away.
Recovery me: That's how you got here. By running from your feelings.
Remorseful me: Who wants to feel this pain?
Recovery me: Nobody. But it's there, and it's real, and hiding from it or masking it with your addiction does not make it go away. It remains. Maybe even gets worse.
Remorseful me: I can't feel any worse than this.
Recovery me: Then that's good. It means you've hit bottom. You're finally ready to surrender, to quit believing that you can manage this addiction.
Remorseful me: I just want her back; I'd do anything to get her back.
Recovery me: But there is nothing you can do. You have to let go.
Remorseful me: I don't want to! We loved each other! We had a future together!
Recovery me: Yes. But now you are here. Now. Without her. And you are sober.
Remorseful me: And in incredible pain.
Recovery me: And sober.
Remorseful me: And all alone.
Recovery me: And sober.
Remorseful me: So that's all there is? Sobriety?
Recovery me: That's the beginning.
Remorseful me: But I need more than that. I need love!
Recovery me: You need love in recovery. And when you find that, it will be so much more than love in addiction.
Remorseful me: I'll never find anyone as good as her.
Recovery me: What you will find is that when you are truly sober, you can love more, and allow yourself to be loved more.
Remorseful me: I just hurt so bad. I just want someone to hold me. I just want her to hold me.
Recovery me: You can't have her hold you, but you can have someone.
Remorseful me: Who?
Recovery me: Someone in the program. Make a phone call.
Remorseful me: That's all guys. I want to be held by a woman.
Recovery me: That's probably not advisable right now. You have trouble distinguishing between affection and sex.
Remorseful me: So a guy's going to hold me and let me cry in his arms?
Recovery me: There are guys in the program who love you, who would do that.
Remorseful me: It's just not the same.
Recovery me: No, it's not. There's no sexual component.
Remorseful me: If I could just tell her how sorry I am, how much I love her.
Recovery me: Actually, you've done that. It didn't get her back.
Remorseful me: What will?
Recovery me: Nothing.
Remorseful me: I don't want to hear that.
Recovery me: Then you don't want to hear the truth.
Remorseful me: There's no chance for us ever getting back together?
Recovery me: Nobody can say that. None of us knows the future.
Remorseful me: So maybe there is a chance?
Recovery me: Who knows? Are you going to live your life on the off-chance that she forgives you, or are you going to do what you need to do in the here and now.
Remorseful me: I hate the here and now. It sucks. It hurts.
Recovery me: And yet you are sober, and working the program, going to meetings, making phone calls, getting into therapy, reading the literature, working the steps, praying.
Remorseful me: It's not that those things make me feel any better. I just don't know what else to do.
Recovery me: Exactly. So do what you know how to do. Work the program. And in time you will feel better.
Remorseful me: How do you know that?
Recovery me: Because others have come before you. And they do feel better.
Remorseful me: Even without their lovers?
Recovery me: On their own. Even without their lovers.
Remorseful me: I wish I could feel better quicker. I need to feel better NOW.
Recovery me: It doesn't work that way. It takes time as well as work.
Remorseful me: How much time?
Recovery me: It's different for each person. No one can say.
Remorseful me: So I have to keep feeling bad for some undetermined period of time?
Recovery me: Yes. Feel your feelings. Work the program.
Remorseful me: That's it?
Recovery me: Uh huh.
Remorseful me: No magic cure?
Recovery me: No.
Remorseful me: You haven't made me feel any better.
Recovery me: But I've told you the truth.
Remorseful me: Small consolation.
Recovery me: Large consolation. Finally, finally, you are being honest with yourself. And with everyone else.
Remorseful me: But I don't feel any better!
Recovery me: But you are getting better. No more secret life.
Remorseful me: No more secret life. I am so sick of living that way.
Recovery me: You're sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.
Remorseful me: Yes. I just don't understand why it has taken me so long to learn this. Why I had to make the same mistakes over and over again. Why I had to hurt people whom I love.
Recovery me: It's one horrible disease.
Remorseful me: I feel so ashamed.
Recovery me: I know. And yet you are sober.
Remorseful me: You keep saying that.
Recovery me: Because it's true. And so important. You are in as much pain as you have ever been in, and yet you are not running for the comfort of sex addiction, like you used to.
Remorseful me: As bad as I feel, I'm surprised I haven't acted out.
Recovery me: It's not happenstance that you haven't.
Remorseful me: No?
Recovery me: It's a sign, my friend. A sign that you are ready. That you have surrendered. That you are on the road to recovery.
Remorseful me: I just wish it felt better than this.
Recovery me: I know. Come here. Let me give you a hug.
Remorseful me: You?
Recovery me: Yes, me. Me. The me you have always wanted to be. The me you can be. The "real" you.
Remorseful me: You are the real me?
Recovery me: Yes.
Remorseful me: Thanks for the hug.
Recovery me: You're welcome. You are always always welcome.
Remorseful me: And I will start to feel better, sooner or later?
Recovery me: Yes. You are already getting better, and soon you will start feeling better.
Remorseful me: I'm going to hold you to that.
Recovery me: Fine. Now, my friend ... let's go to a meeting.
Remorseful me: That I can do. Even in all this pain, that I can do.
Recovery me: But you can't.
Remorseful me: This seems like a bad dream.
Recovery me: But it's reality.
Remorseful me: How could I have done those things to her?
Recovery me: You have a disease.
Remorseful me: But it makes no sense! I cheated on a woman who was giving me great sex!
Recovery me: Unfortunately, there is no logic to addiction. When in active addiction, we do things we don't really want to do. We are powerless.
Remorseful me: I didn't even enjoy it!
Recovery me: Well, that's good news.
Remorseful me: It doesn't feel like it. I destroyed a relationship for no reason, doing something that I didn't enjoy.
Recovery me: Sounds crazy, doesn't it?
Remorseful me: It IS crazy.
Recovery me: This disease is cunning, baffling, powerful and patient.
Remorseful me: I feel so bad. I just want to go back in time and fix this.
Recovery me: But you can't.
Remorseful me: Can't she just forgive me?
Recovery me: She can't forgive you right now. She's too hurt.
Remorseful me: But I've learned my lesson. I swear it!
Recovery me: That may be so. But you also need time to work the program.
Remorseful me: I want her back right now.
Recovery me: You can't have that.
Remorseful me: I'm so lonely.
Recovery me: Yes.
Remorseful me: I can't stand it.
Recovery me: Actually you can. Sit with that feeling. Allow yourself to feel it.
Remorseful me: But it hurts!
Recovery me: Yes.
Remorseful me: It hurts too much! I need it to go away.
Recovery me: That's how you got here. By running from your feelings.
Remorseful me: Who wants to feel this pain?
Recovery me: Nobody. But it's there, and it's real, and hiding from it or masking it with your addiction does not make it go away. It remains. Maybe even gets worse.
Remorseful me: I can't feel any worse than this.
Recovery me: Then that's good. It means you've hit bottom. You're finally ready to surrender, to quit believing that you can manage this addiction.
Remorseful me: I just want her back; I'd do anything to get her back.
Recovery me: But there is nothing you can do. You have to let go.
Remorseful me: I don't want to! We loved each other! We had a future together!
Recovery me: Yes. But now you are here. Now. Without her. And you are sober.
Remorseful me: And in incredible pain.
Recovery me: And sober.
Remorseful me: And all alone.
Recovery me: And sober.
Remorseful me: So that's all there is? Sobriety?
Recovery me: That's the beginning.
Remorseful me: But I need more than that. I need love!
Recovery me: You need love in recovery. And when you find that, it will be so much more than love in addiction.
Remorseful me: I'll never find anyone as good as her.
Recovery me: What you will find is that when you are truly sober, you can love more, and allow yourself to be loved more.
Remorseful me: I just hurt so bad. I just want someone to hold me. I just want her to hold me.
Recovery me: You can't have her hold you, but you can have someone.
Remorseful me: Who?
Recovery me: Someone in the program. Make a phone call.
Remorseful me: That's all guys. I want to be held by a woman.
Recovery me: That's probably not advisable right now. You have trouble distinguishing between affection and sex.
Remorseful me: So a guy's going to hold me and let me cry in his arms?
Recovery me: There are guys in the program who love you, who would do that.
Remorseful me: It's just not the same.
Recovery me: No, it's not. There's no sexual component.
Remorseful me: If I could just tell her how sorry I am, how much I love her.
Recovery me: Actually, you've done that. It didn't get her back.
Remorseful me: What will?
Recovery me: Nothing.
Remorseful me: I don't want to hear that.
Recovery me: Then you don't want to hear the truth.
Remorseful me: There's no chance for us ever getting back together?
Recovery me: Nobody can say that. None of us knows the future.
Remorseful me: So maybe there is a chance?
Recovery me: Who knows? Are you going to live your life on the off-chance that she forgives you, or are you going to do what you need to do in the here and now.
Remorseful me: I hate the here and now. It sucks. It hurts.
Recovery me: And yet you are sober, and working the program, going to meetings, making phone calls, getting into therapy, reading the literature, working the steps, praying.
Remorseful me: It's not that those things make me feel any better. I just don't know what else to do.
Recovery me: Exactly. So do what you know how to do. Work the program. And in time you will feel better.
Remorseful me: How do you know that?
Recovery me: Because others have come before you. And they do feel better.
Remorseful me: Even without their lovers?
Recovery me: On their own. Even without their lovers.
Remorseful me: I wish I could feel better quicker. I need to feel better NOW.
Recovery me: It doesn't work that way. It takes time as well as work.
Remorseful me: How much time?
Recovery me: It's different for each person. No one can say.
Remorseful me: So I have to keep feeling bad for some undetermined period of time?
Recovery me: Yes. Feel your feelings. Work the program.
Remorseful me: That's it?
Recovery me: Uh huh.
Remorseful me: No magic cure?
Recovery me: No.
Remorseful me: You haven't made me feel any better.
Recovery me: But I've told you the truth.
Remorseful me: Small consolation.
Recovery me: Large consolation. Finally, finally, you are being honest with yourself. And with everyone else.
Remorseful me: But I don't feel any better!
Recovery me: But you are getting better. No more secret life.
Remorseful me: No more secret life. I am so sick of living that way.
Recovery me: You're sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.
Remorseful me: Yes. I just don't understand why it has taken me so long to learn this. Why I had to make the same mistakes over and over again. Why I had to hurt people whom I love.
Recovery me: It's one horrible disease.
Remorseful me: I feel so ashamed.
Recovery me: I know. And yet you are sober.
Remorseful me: You keep saying that.
Recovery me: Because it's true. And so important. You are in as much pain as you have ever been in, and yet you are not running for the comfort of sex addiction, like you used to.
Remorseful me: As bad as I feel, I'm surprised I haven't acted out.
Recovery me: It's not happenstance that you haven't.
Remorseful me: No?
Recovery me: It's a sign, my friend. A sign that you are ready. That you have surrendered. That you are on the road to recovery.
Remorseful me: I just wish it felt better than this.
Recovery me: I know. Come here. Let me give you a hug.
Remorseful me: You?
Recovery me: Yes, me. Me. The me you have always wanted to be. The me you can be. The "real" you.
Remorseful me: You are the real me?
Recovery me: Yes.
Remorseful me: Thanks for the hug.
Recovery me: You're welcome. You are always always welcome.
Remorseful me: And I will start to feel better, sooner or later?
Recovery me: Yes. You are already getting better, and soon you will start feeling better.
Remorseful me: I'm going to hold you to that.
Recovery me: Fine. Now, my friend ... let's go to a meeting.
Remorseful me: That I can do. Even in all this pain, that I can do.
Goodbye, Woody? (day 9 of sobriety)
Since I made my new commitment to sobriety on Sept. 16, I have not awakened with an erection. An early morning "woody" was very typical for me, at least every other day. I have never gone without one this long. What does it mean? That my mind is right? Or that I've suddenly gotten old? (The former, I hope....)
Hope
Hope
The miracle of spiritual change
I'm hesitant to talk about this, because some will doubt and some will think I'm sort of going against the 12-step program. But here goes:
For many addicts, the spiritual change required for long-term sobriety is a difficult process that hopefully occurs during steps 1, 2 and 3, but maybe later. But for others, the spiritual change can come in a heartbeat. And that's what happened to me last week.
Those who have read the Big Book know that AA Founder Bill W. experienced a miraculous change -- and never drank again. Of course, this followed many failed attempts. But here's what Bill W. writes about the moment: "...the effect was electric. There was a sense of victory, followed by such a peace and serenity as I had never known. There was utter confidence. I felt lifted up, as though the great clean wind of a mountain top blew through and through. God comes to some men gradually, but His impact on me was sudden and profound."
That's not to say that one doesn't have to keep working the program, of course. For the rest of his life Bill worked the program, for himself and others. But I hear a lot of addicts unwilling to even consider that they might have "utter confidence." Maybe that's because they don't, or maybe it's because they are stuck in the "one day at a time" rut. Yes, I believe in taking sobriety one day at a time. But can I also have utter but humble confidence in my ability to stay sober? And have that confidence because of a true spiritual awakening? Yes, I can. And I do.
Bold words for someone with eight days of sobriety. But last Wednesday I was touched by God. Please excuse the next part for being a little graphic; I certainly don't mean to trigger anybody.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me 10 days ago. She wrote me an email on a Monday explaining how she had found out about my affairs, but I didn't see it until early Tuesday morning, and then we talked on the phone at 5 a.m. I was overwhelmed with guilt and grief. The next day (Wednesday), desperate for comfort, I turned to my "drug of choice": Masturbation. But for the first time, it did not work. I felt no pleasure and no comfort. And lying there after "finishing," I received a distinct message: Orgasm will never again work for you for comfort or escape. Sex is for intimacy and procreation.
And in that moment, I felt healed. I know, I know, I'm a sex addict for life; it's a disease that's managed, not cured. But I cannot deny that I felt healed. As the doctor writes in the Big Book: "Once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire...."
That's me! You can laugh and say, "Yeah, for eight days." But I expect to be writing the same thing in eight months and eight years.
The last week has been a roller coaster of emotions because I miss my girlfriend so and feel so guilty for hurting her and destroying our relationship. But I am not on a sobriety roller coaster. I have had absolutely no desire to masturbate or to seek a sex partner or to look at porn. To me, this is a miracle of the Holy Spirit. But you don't have to be religious to believe in "psychic change" or "utter confidence."
It's taken me a week to process what truly happened in that moment, and to be ready to share it. The first person I told was my girlfriend, via email. She had no response. It would be pretty hard for anybody to believe and trust a week after finding out what I did. Maybe she never will. Or maybe she will someday. Either way, I will be sober. I do believe in miracles!
Hope
For many addicts, the spiritual change required for long-term sobriety is a difficult process that hopefully occurs during steps 1, 2 and 3, but maybe later. But for others, the spiritual change can come in a heartbeat. And that's what happened to me last week.
Those who have read the Big Book know that AA Founder Bill W. experienced a miraculous change -- and never drank again. Of course, this followed many failed attempts. But here's what Bill W. writes about the moment: "...the effect was electric. There was a sense of victory, followed by such a peace and serenity as I had never known. There was utter confidence. I felt lifted up, as though the great clean wind of a mountain top blew through and through. God comes to some men gradually, but His impact on me was sudden and profound."
That's not to say that one doesn't have to keep working the program, of course. For the rest of his life Bill worked the program, for himself and others. But I hear a lot of addicts unwilling to even consider that they might have "utter confidence." Maybe that's because they don't, or maybe it's because they are stuck in the "one day at a time" rut. Yes, I believe in taking sobriety one day at a time. But can I also have utter but humble confidence in my ability to stay sober? And have that confidence because of a true spiritual awakening? Yes, I can. And I do.
Bold words for someone with eight days of sobriety. But last Wednesday I was touched by God. Please excuse the next part for being a little graphic; I certainly don't mean to trigger anybody.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me 10 days ago. She wrote me an email on a Monday explaining how she had found out about my affairs, but I didn't see it until early Tuesday morning, and then we talked on the phone at 5 a.m. I was overwhelmed with guilt and grief. The next day (Wednesday), desperate for comfort, I turned to my "drug of choice": Masturbation. But for the first time, it did not work. I felt no pleasure and no comfort. And lying there after "finishing," I received a distinct message: Orgasm will never again work for you for comfort or escape. Sex is for intimacy and procreation.
And in that moment, I felt healed. I know, I know, I'm a sex addict for life; it's a disease that's managed, not cured. But I cannot deny that I felt healed. As the doctor writes in the Big Book: "Once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire...."
That's me! You can laugh and say, "Yeah, for eight days." But I expect to be writing the same thing in eight months and eight years.
The last week has been a roller coaster of emotions because I miss my girlfriend so and feel so guilty for hurting her and destroying our relationship. But I am not on a sobriety roller coaster. I have had absolutely no desire to masturbate or to seek a sex partner or to look at porn. To me, this is a miracle of the Holy Spirit. But you don't have to be religious to believe in "psychic change" or "utter confidence."
It's taken me a week to process what truly happened in that moment, and to be ready to share it. The first person I told was my girlfriend, via email. She had no response. It would be pretty hard for anybody to believe and trust a week after finding out what I did. Maybe she never will. Or maybe she will someday. Either way, I will be sober. I do believe in miracles!
Hope
Thursday, September 23, 2010
I got to hear her voice (day 8 of sobriety)
My beloved ex-girilfriend actually called me today! Nothing even close to making up, but just to hear her voice was a blessing. She called to apologize for something she had done which I just found out about; while pretty serious, it does not compare to what I did to her. But she is such a woman of Grace!
We talked for quite a while, including about our respective work. It was almost like old times. But then she said she was beginning to get upset, and she quickly got off the phone. It was right after I told her that I am committed to celibacy and not dating until my divorce is final. But I don't know if that had anything to do with it. As we were endin the call I told her I love her, which she probably doesn't want to hear, but i can't help saying it! I felt sad and bad that once again a phone call with her ended with her being upset. That is never my intent. I hope she is OK.
Just to hear her voice, just to hear her voice ... Thank You, God!
This morning I met with a therapist about joining his group, and I will do so on Tuesday. It will be good for me to be back in a therapy group. I was in one before, but I lied to them on a couple occasions when I didn't want to admit my acting out. This time I will be totally honest. I AM totally honest, maybe for the first time.
I have much more to write but I have a lot of work to do. Maybe later tonight!
Hope
We talked for quite a while, including about our respective work. It was almost like old times. But then she said she was beginning to get upset, and she quickly got off the phone. It was right after I told her that I am committed to celibacy and not dating until my divorce is final. But I don't know if that had anything to do with it. As we were endin the call I told her I love her, which she probably doesn't want to hear, but i can't help saying it! I felt sad and bad that once again a phone call with her ended with her being upset. That is never my intent. I hope she is OK.
Just to hear her voice, just to hear her voice ... Thank You, God!
This morning I met with a therapist about joining his group, and I will do so on Tuesday. It will be good for me to be back in a therapy group. I was in one before, but I lied to them on a couple occasions when I didn't want to admit my acting out. This time I will be totally honest. I AM totally honest, maybe for the first time.
I have much more to write but I have a lot of work to do. Maybe later tonight!
Hope
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
90 in 90 (day 7 of sobriety)
I'm doing a modified version of 90 meetings in 90 days -- I'm counting church. I know that makes it unofficial, but I've chosen to do this on my own; when I left Keystone, 90 in 90 was a mandate of the program.
Tonight's church service was powerful. I sang and played congas. There was a long testimony by a woman whose son was accosted by a gun-toting gang outside her house. She went out there and helped talk the gang out of killing them all! And she attributed it to the prayers that church members had been saying for her.
I was sort of depressed most of the day. Then late afternoon when I got home, there was an email from my ex-girlfriend. Boosted my spirits without even reading it. It wasn't to me; she had forwarded her response to one of my friends who had written her. (I didn't ask him to). All she said to me was: fyi. But both letters were beautifully written; it was evident they had both put a lot of effort into it, and just that consoled me -- that she (and my friend) care enough to write such a letter.
She talked about the difficulty of ever trusting me again, and I totally understand that. She knows more about addiction and codependency than I thought. She said that when I am in active addiction it is not the real me., which is definitely true. She also expressed concern about her behavior which might have been codependent, and my unwillingness to point it out.
Mostly, though, she is angry: that she has to get tested to see if I gave her an STD; that I didn't confess about the relapse; that the relapse was going on behind her back throughout our relationship. Pretty damning stuff.
But then she wrote, "It's very possible that my feelings will change with time." In other words there's still a chance for us! My heart soared, but it quickly settled. I can have that hope, but not live in it; I need to focus on sobriety and the program.
Here are some things I am doing:
Praying every morning and evening
Doing a 12-step or church meeting every day
Making at least three program phone calls a day
Installed a porn blocker
Am meeting with a therapist who runs a group for sex addicts
Ordered a recommended book called "Voice of the Heart"
Called my Keystone therapist
Continued work on step 4
The time I spent in intrigue I now spend in the program. Of course I have a lot more time on my hands, since my girlfriend and I were together every weekend.
Until tomorrow,
Hope
Tonight's church service was powerful. I sang and played congas. There was a long testimony by a woman whose son was accosted by a gun-toting gang outside her house. She went out there and helped talk the gang out of killing them all! And she attributed it to the prayers that church members had been saying for her.
I was sort of depressed most of the day. Then late afternoon when I got home, there was an email from my ex-girlfriend. Boosted my spirits without even reading it. It wasn't to me; she had forwarded her response to one of my friends who had written her. (I didn't ask him to). All she said to me was: fyi. But both letters were beautifully written; it was evident they had both put a lot of effort into it, and just that consoled me -- that she (and my friend) care enough to write such a letter.
She talked about the difficulty of ever trusting me again, and I totally understand that. She knows more about addiction and codependency than I thought. She said that when I am in active addiction it is not the real me., which is definitely true. She also expressed concern about her behavior which might have been codependent, and my unwillingness to point it out.
Mostly, though, she is angry: that she has to get tested to see if I gave her an STD; that I didn't confess about the relapse; that the relapse was going on behind her back throughout our relationship. Pretty damning stuff.
But then she wrote, "It's very possible that my feelings will change with time." In other words there's still a chance for us! My heart soared, but it quickly settled. I can have that hope, but not live in it; I need to focus on sobriety and the program.
Here are some things I am doing:
Praying every morning and evening
Doing a 12-step or church meeting every day
Making at least three program phone calls a day
Installed a porn blocker
Am meeting with a therapist who runs a group for sex addicts
Ordered a recommended book called "Voice of the Heart"
Called my Keystone therapist
Continued work on step 4
The time I spent in intrigue I now spend in the program. Of course I have a lot more time on my hands, since my girlfriend and I were together every weekend.
Until tomorrow,
Hope
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
If I say it enough times, will it make a difference? Will you believe it? Will you forgive?
I fear not.
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
If I say it enough times, will it make a difference? Will you believe it? Will you forgive?
I fear not.
Reality sets in (day 6 of sobriety)
Today is a week since my wonderful girlfriend dumped me. It's been such a rollercoaster. We actually spent several hours together on Saturday; I didn't think she would see me, but she agreed to. And we have texted a lot. Mostly she wanted two things: To know why -- which I can't explain because I don't know myself, other than that I am powerless over my addiction; and secondly, to express her anger, which she has done rather thoroughly. Last night she expressed anger about something I wrote on this blog, though I am making sure not to give information that would identify us. I haven't heard from her at all today. I still hold out hope that we might reunite some day, but I know it is extremely unlikely. I need to move on under the assumption that we will not get back together -- maybe even that I will never see her or hear from her again. Just work my program. And if that leads to getting back with her, it will be a joyous surprise. And if it doesn't, well I will have my sobriety! I do wish her well, though. And will always hold a place for her in my heart.
A few minutes ago I downloaded SafeEyes onto my computer. It's set to block all porn sites. When I got out of Keystone and was trying to make it work with my wife, we downloaded BeSafeOnline. But it malfunctioned so badly -- I couldn't even get to email that I needed for work, so we took it off. Of course that was codependent behavior; there are alternatives, and SafeEyes has the best reputation. But I've gone more than a year without a blocker, allowing me to access porn at will. Tonight I'm glad that I can't. But who knows how I'll feel tomorrow.
I did a telephone 12-step meeting of Keystone alumni tonight. There were only four of us on the call, but the shares were good. The reading was from the "white book" -- The Sexaholics Anonymous book. We read the definition of lust: "an attitude demanding that a natural instinct serve unnatural desires." In other words, sexual desire is natural, but lust creates an unnatural instinct to use sex to "reduce isolation, loneliness, fear, tension, or to cover our emotions, make us feel alive, help us escape...." I use sex for ALL those things, and not only that, it seems natural and normal to do so! Tense? Have an orgasm. Lonely? Have an orgasm. Feeling down? Have an orgasm! What's wrong with that; doesn't everybody do that? Well ... no, apparently not. Some people have sex ONLY to experience intimacy with a loved one. I do that, sure. But these people don't also have sex for all those other "unnatural" purposes? Hard to believe, but I guess it's true.
Lust, according to SA, is not physical, it's spiritual. It's the attitude of "not being able to say no." I certainly had that during my recent aborted love affair. Now here's the part that really got to me, that I don't remember reading before (though I have read the book cover to cover twice): Lust "seems to be a spiritual force that distorts instincts; and whenever let loose in one area, seems to want to infect other areas as well. And being nonsexual, lust crosses all lines, INCLUDING GENDER."
So this is why I had oral sex with men even though I am not bi? Sex that I absolutely did not enjoy? That disgusted me? I wish I had remembered this passage when my girlfriend asked me how I could possibly have done sex acts with guys.
So ... time to try to go to sleep in my chair. I haven't been able to sleep in the double bed where my girlfriend would join me on weekends. So I sleep in this Lazy Boy that I inherited from my Dad when he died 15 years ago. And he had it for at least a decade. It still seems to be in perfect shape. It comforts me, my Dad's chair. Encloses me in a way a bed cannot. I wasn't that close to my Dad until very late in his life; he was an extremely demanding and difficult father. But his chair, it comforts me. Still ... it will be a milestone in my grief when I can sleep in my bed. Where she slept with me. Where we made love and cuddled and had long loving talks.
My God, what have I done to her? And to myself?
I abhor addiction. May God strike it from me.
A few minutes ago I downloaded SafeEyes onto my computer. It's set to block all porn sites. When I got out of Keystone and was trying to make it work with my wife, we downloaded BeSafeOnline. But it malfunctioned so badly -- I couldn't even get to email that I needed for work, so we took it off. Of course that was codependent behavior; there are alternatives, and SafeEyes has the best reputation. But I've gone more than a year without a blocker, allowing me to access porn at will. Tonight I'm glad that I can't. But who knows how I'll feel tomorrow.
I did a telephone 12-step meeting of Keystone alumni tonight. There were only four of us on the call, but the shares were good. The reading was from the "white book" -- The Sexaholics Anonymous book. We read the definition of lust: "an attitude demanding that a natural instinct serve unnatural desires." In other words, sexual desire is natural, but lust creates an unnatural instinct to use sex to "reduce isolation, loneliness, fear, tension, or to cover our emotions, make us feel alive, help us escape...." I use sex for ALL those things, and not only that, it seems natural and normal to do so! Tense? Have an orgasm. Lonely? Have an orgasm. Feeling down? Have an orgasm! What's wrong with that; doesn't everybody do that? Well ... no, apparently not. Some people have sex ONLY to experience intimacy with a loved one. I do that, sure. But these people don't also have sex for all those other "unnatural" purposes? Hard to believe, but I guess it's true.
Lust, according to SA, is not physical, it's spiritual. It's the attitude of "not being able to say no." I certainly had that during my recent aborted love affair. Now here's the part that really got to me, that I don't remember reading before (though I have read the book cover to cover twice): Lust "seems to be a spiritual force that distorts instincts; and whenever let loose in one area, seems to want to infect other areas as well. And being nonsexual, lust crosses all lines, INCLUDING GENDER."
So this is why I had oral sex with men even though I am not bi? Sex that I absolutely did not enjoy? That disgusted me? I wish I had remembered this passage when my girlfriend asked me how I could possibly have done sex acts with guys.
So ... time to try to go to sleep in my chair. I haven't been able to sleep in the double bed where my girlfriend would join me on weekends. So I sleep in this Lazy Boy that I inherited from my Dad when he died 15 years ago. And he had it for at least a decade. It still seems to be in perfect shape. It comforts me, my Dad's chair. Encloses me in a way a bed cannot. I wasn't that close to my Dad until very late in his life; he was an extremely demanding and difficult father. But his chair, it comforts me. Still ... it will be a milestone in my grief when I can sleep in my bed. Where she slept with me. Where we made love and cuddled and had long loving talks.
My God, what have I done to her? And to myself?
I abhor addiction. May God strike it from me.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
codependent
The wonderful woman I drove away does arts and crafts. She made me a picture of three animals posing as "hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil." The co-dependents' creed!
This was totally innocent; she knew nothing about codependency at the time. I didn't get it either, when she gave me a couple choices and asked me what I preferred. I picked that one. So ironic. The subconscious works in mysterious ways....
It's hanging on my wall, one of the few things I have from her. Now when I go by it I think of her, and also think to make sure that she (if she takes me back) or any future partner truly understands codependency. One of the reasons my marriage ended is that my ex-wife absolutely refused to recognize that she had participated in my addiction in any manner.
Hope
This was totally innocent; she knew nothing about codependency at the time. I didn't get it either, when she gave me a couple choices and asked me what I preferred. I picked that one. So ironic. The subconscious works in mysterious ways....
It's hanging on my wall, one of the few things I have from her. Now when I go by it I think of her, and also think to make sure that she (if she takes me back) or any future partner truly understands codependency. One of the reasons my marriage ended is that my ex-wife absolutely refused to recognize that she had participated in my addiction in any manner.
Hope
Monday, September 20, 2010
Would I forgive if the roles were reversed? (day 5)
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Sunday, September 19, 2010
Spirituality -- 12-step and church
As I have thrown myself back into the 12-step program, I also have thrown myself back into church. My church focuses a lot on getting in touch with God (higher power), believing that God can help us (step 2), and learning how to surrender our will (step 3). Our church also believes in forgiveness and second chances. Virtually everything our pastor says is compatible with 12-step.
I feel closest to God when performing music. So today I asked to officially join the Praise team. I had been playing and singing with them informally for a few months; I used to solo at this church before I started attending somewhere else for family reasons. But i missed this church so much because it is so celebratory and nonjudgmental, so when I moved out of the family home, I started attending again.
Tonight's praise team rehearsal was just awesome. I could really feel God's presence in me. I'm not very good at taking care of myself, of finding fun HEALTHY things to do. Sex Addicts Anonymous has this chart of three circles: The inner circle is your "bottom lines," the activities that you cannot do without violating sobriety. The middle circle are behaviors, places, activities, people that could possibly lead to a violation of a bottom line. And the outer circle includes things that are good for the addict, healthy activities that lead the addict away from the inner circle. Music and church are definitely in my outer circle. Praise God!
I feel closest to God when performing music. So today I asked to officially join the Praise team. I had been playing and singing with them informally for a few months; I used to solo at this church before I started attending somewhere else for family reasons. But i missed this church so much because it is so celebratory and nonjudgmental, so when I moved out of the family home, I started attending again.
Tonight's praise team rehearsal was just awesome. I could really feel God's presence in me. I'm not very good at taking care of myself, of finding fun HEALTHY things to do. Sex Addicts Anonymous has this chart of three circles: The inner circle is your "bottom lines," the activities that you cannot do without violating sobriety. The middle circle are behaviors, places, activities, people that could possibly lead to a violation of a bottom line. And the outer circle includes things that are good for the addict, healthy activities that lead the addict away from the inner circle. Music and church are definitely in my outer circle. Praise God!
celibacy (day 4)
I have decided to follow the Sexaholics Anonymous definition of sobriety until my divorce is final. That group has the strictest definition of sobriety of the five S-groups -- which as I understand it fractured over two issues: The definition of sobriety and whether unmarried couples (including homosexual couples) can be sober.
SA states that sobriety means no sex with oneself or with anyone other than a spouse. So that eliminates all unmarried couples, and all gay couples, even the ones who have been able to get married, because SA states that a spouse is a partner in a marriage between a man and a woman. Many addicts find that restriction highly discriminatory. But the other way -- setting with the help of one's sponsor individual "bottom lines" that are the behaviors that would cause sobriety to be reset -- can have some inherent dangers. In my case, it was easy to "straddle" a bottom line without crossing it; for instance, I'm not supposed to look at porn on the internet, but what if my girlfriend knows about it and is fine with it and even looks at it with me? Does her innocently codependent behavior enable me (in my head) to violate a bottom line? That's just what happened. Of course, I also did things that she didn't know about that were clear violations, like cheating on her with men. In my sick thinking, my addict convinced me that it wasn't so bad because I wasn't seeing any women, which is what she had expressed concern about. As if she wouldn't have expressed concern about men if she had known it was even a possibility! But that's the "stinkin' thinkin'" of the addict. (I'm not bisexual but i had the urge to experiment, and in particular to seek humiliation to satisfy my self-loathing. It was NOT enjoyable sexually.)
I was celibate for 90 days after exiting Keystone, though I had a couple slips and had to start the 90 days over. So actually, I had three orgasms in six and a half months, dating from when I entered the Keystone treatment center. I never believed that could be possible, after orgasming daily since the age of 14. And the last 90 days of that was continuous -- even though I was married and could have had sex within SA's definition of sobriety! But Keystone believes that sex for us addicts is literally a drug, that we are feeding off the endorphins and adrenaline, and that we have to let our brain go through withdrawal from these chemicals (at least from sex sources). So my wife and I were celibate -- she actually had NO orgasms during the six and a half months! And that was good for our marriage as we did a lot more talking and worked on emotional intimacy. Eventually the marriage didn't work out -- our codependencies were too intermeshed -- but that's for another post.
My new celibacy began Thursday, Sept. 16, 2010. I masturbated on Wednesday, seeking comfort from the breakup which occurred early Tuesday morning. So Thursday counts, making today day 4. I do not know when the divorce will be final, sometime this fall. So it may or may not be 90 days. Regardless, I see it as a milestone, that I am then truly free to date. I shouldn't have been dating during my divorce -- my therapists at Keystone warned me about that, as did guys in the program -- but I met this wonderful woman and neither of us could help ourselves. Now, it will be cleaner. I hope we keep in contact and hope we might start dating again after my divorce, that she will be able to forgive me for cheating on her, and I will be able to prove the kind of boyfriend I can be. But that's not my primary purpose here; whether she marries me or never speaks to be again or anything in between, my job is to truly and fully engage in the program, establish sobriety, work the steps and finally, finally stop letting my small head do most of my thinking! Then, and only then, can I have a healthy romance.
Hope
SA states that sobriety means no sex with oneself or with anyone other than a spouse. So that eliminates all unmarried couples, and all gay couples, even the ones who have been able to get married, because SA states that a spouse is a partner in a marriage between a man and a woman. Many addicts find that restriction highly discriminatory. But the other way -- setting with the help of one's sponsor individual "bottom lines" that are the behaviors that would cause sobriety to be reset -- can have some inherent dangers. In my case, it was easy to "straddle" a bottom line without crossing it; for instance, I'm not supposed to look at porn on the internet, but what if my girlfriend knows about it and is fine with it and even looks at it with me? Does her innocently codependent behavior enable me (in my head) to violate a bottom line? That's just what happened. Of course, I also did things that she didn't know about that were clear violations, like cheating on her with men. In my sick thinking, my addict convinced me that it wasn't so bad because I wasn't seeing any women, which is what she had expressed concern about. As if she wouldn't have expressed concern about men if she had known it was even a possibility! But that's the "stinkin' thinkin'" of the addict. (I'm not bisexual but i had the urge to experiment, and in particular to seek humiliation to satisfy my self-loathing. It was NOT enjoyable sexually.)
I was celibate for 90 days after exiting Keystone, though I had a couple slips and had to start the 90 days over. So actually, I had three orgasms in six and a half months, dating from when I entered the Keystone treatment center. I never believed that could be possible, after orgasming daily since the age of 14. And the last 90 days of that was continuous -- even though I was married and could have had sex within SA's definition of sobriety! But Keystone believes that sex for us addicts is literally a drug, that we are feeding off the endorphins and adrenaline, and that we have to let our brain go through withdrawal from these chemicals (at least from sex sources). So my wife and I were celibate -- she actually had NO orgasms during the six and a half months! And that was good for our marriage as we did a lot more talking and worked on emotional intimacy. Eventually the marriage didn't work out -- our codependencies were too intermeshed -- but that's for another post.
My new celibacy began Thursday, Sept. 16, 2010. I masturbated on Wednesday, seeking comfort from the breakup which occurred early Tuesday morning. So Thursday counts, making today day 4. I do not know when the divorce will be final, sometime this fall. So it may or may not be 90 days. Regardless, I see it as a milestone, that I am then truly free to date. I shouldn't have been dating during my divorce -- my therapists at Keystone warned me about that, as did guys in the program -- but I met this wonderful woman and neither of us could help ourselves. Now, it will be cleaner. I hope we keep in contact and hope we might start dating again after my divorce, that she will be able to forgive me for cheating on her, and I will be able to prove the kind of boyfriend I can be. But that's not my primary purpose here; whether she marries me or never speaks to be again or anything in between, my job is to truly and fully engage in the program, establish sobriety, work the steps and finally, finally stop letting my small head do most of my thinking! Then, and only then, can I have a healthy romance.
Hope
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Online meeting (sobriety day 3)
I attended my first online chat 12-step meeting tonight. Here is my share:
I am grateful for the trauma I have gone through this week
For the girlfriend who dumped me because of my addiction
Because that sent me back to the program
I went to impatient treatment in 2008
And was clean for about a year
But then went back out into addiction
And unfortunately hurt a wonderful woman
But now I am back and rededicated to sobriety
To 12-step
To turning my will and my life over to my higher power
I am grateful for admitting my powerlessness
And for my absolute commitment to not victimizing anyone else ever again!
Signed,
Hope
I am grateful for the trauma I have gone through this week
For the girlfriend who dumped me because of my addiction
Because that sent me back to the program
I went to impatient treatment in 2008
And was clean for about a year
But then went back out into addiction
And unfortunately hurt a wonderful woman
But now I am back and rededicated to sobriety
To 12-step
To turning my will and my life over to my higher power
I am grateful for admitting my powerlessness
And for my absolute commitment to not victimizing anyone else ever again!
Signed,
Hope
Dinner with another sex addict
Last night I had dinner with a guy who is in a similar situation as me. He also has been to inpatient treatment -- actually, I introduced him to Keystone -- and he also has a girlfriend while going through a divorce. Like me, his girlfriend lives a distance away so they don't see each other regularly, and he is tempted to act out when he is not with her. He's looked around on the internet. But he has NOT contacted anyone or met with anyone. So the main difference between him and me is that he still HAS a girlfriend, while I am grieving the deserved loss of mine.
So how has he resisted while I did not? He told me that he regularly asks himself, "What are you doing?" And the question catches him up short and he gets off the internet. Not exactly a traditional 12-step tool: he isn't making a phone call in the moment of temptation, or saying a step prayer. But it's more than I did. I asked myself a similar question: "What have you done?" Of course, that question came after the fact, when it was too late to remain faithful.
Today is Saturday, and I would be with her right now if I had not been such an idiot and let my addiction get the better of me once again. It hurts even more because she told me that she is going to be in my town for another reason ... but won't see me. What I would do for another chance. Oh -- this WAS another chance. I'd already destroyed my marriage, and this was the relationship I was going to get right. And I made the exact same mistakes. Even worse, because this time I had all the tools I learned in treatment and all the tools at my fingertips through 12-step. But I still did not control my carnal desires. This makes a wave of hopelessness sweep over me, like I never will learn to control this addiction.
I feel shame, which leads to self-pity, which leads to a need for comfort, which leads me to act out again! So I have to desperately fight against that feeling of hopelessness, and instead devote myself to the program. Will I ever have another chance at a life partner? Not a healthy question -- that's future-tripping. Just work the program, one day at a time, and look at the people around me who are doing that and have good things (and people) in their lives, and that gives me hope that I also can eventually have good things (and people) in mine.
The Keystone "close," said at the end of every meeting, begins:
"As we raise our eyes from shame to grace..."
That is what I must do now....
Hope
So how has he resisted while I did not? He told me that he regularly asks himself, "What are you doing?" And the question catches him up short and he gets off the internet. Not exactly a traditional 12-step tool: he isn't making a phone call in the moment of temptation, or saying a step prayer. But it's more than I did. I asked myself a similar question: "What have you done?" Of course, that question came after the fact, when it was too late to remain faithful.
Today is Saturday, and I would be with her right now if I had not been such an idiot and let my addiction get the better of me once again. It hurts even more because she told me that she is going to be in my town for another reason ... but won't see me. What I would do for another chance. Oh -- this WAS another chance. I'd already destroyed my marriage, and this was the relationship I was going to get right. And I made the exact same mistakes. Even worse, because this time I had all the tools I learned in treatment and all the tools at my fingertips through 12-step. But I still did not control my carnal desires. This makes a wave of hopelessness sweep over me, like I never will learn to control this addiction.
I feel shame, which leads to self-pity, which leads to a need for comfort, which leads me to act out again! So I have to desperately fight against that feeling of hopelessness, and instead devote myself to the program. Will I ever have another chance at a life partner? Not a healthy question -- that's future-tripping. Just work the program, one day at a time, and look at the people around me who are doing that and have good things (and people) in their lives, and that gives me hope that I also can eventually have good things (and people) in mine.
The Keystone "close," said at the end of every meeting, begins:
"As we raise our eyes from shame to grace..."
That is what I must do now....
Hope
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Rededication (sobriety day 1)
Well, I have been back "out" in active addiction for some time, but I am rededicating myself to the program. I attended a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting tonight, and also went to one on Monday, and Tuesday did a telephone meeting of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous -- which is really the best S-group for me because I am truly a love addict as well as a sex addict.
The incentive for my rededication? Being dumped by my incredible girlfriend after she found out that I had been cheating on her, flirting on the internet with women and actually having sexual encounters with several men. She is devastated, and I am devastated that I have another victim. I spent 40 days in treatment and learned so much and swore I would never victimize anyone ever again. But now I have. And she is just possibly the most wonderful woman I have ever known, a superb partner. We were compatible in so many ways, including sexually -- she never said no, and she was very good in bed. But as my sponsor says, "For active addicts, it's never enough." Here I was getting the best sex of my life, and I had to go out and get more. From men, no less, experimenting with bisexuality. Why? Why would I destroy such a wonderful relationship? I'm obviously self-destructive, but I also destroy relationships. It's like I don't believe I am lovable, so when someone truly loves me I have to do something to prove to them that they are wrong. How sick is that?
I love so many things about this woman. We traveled together, exercised together, played board games, talked ... I am going to miss her so much. But I obviously don't deserve her. Yes, I am filled with shame and guilt and remorse. I've repeated the same pattern that destroyed my marriage. But I'm also back to attending meetings and making phone calls and reading program literature. And back to step 1, realizing through losing her that I am powerless over this addiction and that my life is unmanageable. Now I better figure out how to turn my will over to my higher power! (step 3)
Hope
The incentive for my rededication? Being dumped by my incredible girlfriend after she found out that I had been cheating on her, flirting on the internet with women and actually having sexual encounters with several men. She is devastated, and I am devastated that I have another victim. I spent 40 days in treatment and learned so much and swore I would never victimize anyone ever again. But now I have. And she is just possibly the most wonderful woman I have ever known, a superb partner. We were compatible in so many ways, including sexually -- she never said no, and she was very good in bed. But as my sponsor says, "For active addicts, it's never enough." Here I was getting the best sex of my life, and I had to go out and get more. From men, no less, experimenting with bisexuality. Why? Why would I destroy such a wonderful relationship? I'm obviously self-destructive, but I also destroy relationships. It's like I don't believe I am lovable, so when someone truly loves me I have to do something to prove to them that they are wrong. How sick is that?
I love so many things about this woman. We traveled together, exercised together, played board games, talked ... I am going to miss her so much. But I obviously don't deserve her. Yes, I am filled with shame and guilt and remorse. I've repeated the same pattern that destroyed my marriage. But I'm also back to attending meetings and making phone calls and reading program literature. And back to step 1, realizing through losing her that I am powerless over this addiction and that my life is unmanageable. Now I better figure out how to turn my will over to my higher power! (step 3)
Hope
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