Forgiveness (day 11 of sobriety)

Besides losing love and romance and companionship and sex when I cheated on my girlfriend, I also lost a partner who is extremely intelligent and analytical. She proved it again last night.

We've been texting just a little bit late at night. She doesn't want to talk with me on the phone or see me, but the texting has been OK. Last night I committed myself to not bring up our relationship, because I truly do not want to upset her. We chatted about this blog and how to get more readers, and I was just signing off when she sent me a message about forgiveness.

Well, my heart soared that she even felt ready to talk about such a thing. I misread the message, thinking that she was commenting that we all need to forgive ourselves for the bad things we do, and I responded that I felt too ashamed with myself to do that right now. But she responded:

"I mean that forgiving others is a gift you give to yourself because it releases you from anger."

I don't know if that's her line or someone else's (I'll have to ask her), but I find it extremely profound. I know how angry she is with me for the lies I told and the things I did. And I know how anger -- which for me takes the form of resentment -- can eat someone alive from the inside out. I texted back and asked if she were working on forgiveness, and she replied:

"I am working on it. But not for you or us, but for me. I have to think only about what is best and healthy for me."

Another profound statement, and one my readers know that I have been struggling with: to focus on my sobriety, on me getting better, and not on the lost relationship or the unlikely possibility of reunification.

I sat with the phone in my hand, realizing once again how smart this lady is. I fought against turning that thought into, "Look what you threw away, you effing idiot!" And instead focus on her words: "I have to think only what is best and healthy for me." They say that a lot in the 12-step program, but often with a negative spin: That people in recovery have to be "selfish" in a way. They mean addicts have to put recovery first, even before family. A lot of times a marriage falls apart once the addict is in recovery, when one would think it would get better. That's not just because the addict is focusing on recovery above family, but because the marriage dynamic was unhealthy, creating codependence that contributed to the addiction. That was true for me, and my wife and I separated a year after I completed inpatient treatment. But it's certainly ironic that the addict -- who has been incredibly selfish while acting out -- also has to be "selfish" in recovery! Of course it's not the same thing. It's not truly being selfish to concentrate on one's health, and I don't mean to imply that my lover is being selfish in any way. She's a woman of Grace, and I treasure each time she is willing to communicate with me.

I was just thinking that forgiveness would be wonderful for ME, even if she did it for herself, when she texted:

"It would release anger but it doesn't take away hurt or distrust."

I felt a pain in my gut. I had been thinking about the words "I forgive you" more globally: That it releases all those bad feelings, and allows the possibility of a new beginning. But that is not what she is saying: She could forgive me, but still not trust me. She could forgive me, and still feel deeply wounded by me. And an untrusting wounded woman is not going to be ready to even consider reunification.

Once again I had been jumping to conclusions, putting my definition in someone else's mouth, and thinking that someone meant more than they did. I know better than that. I know I need to ask people for definitions of the "big words" like "love" and "forgiveness." But I often don't, and assume my own definition instead.

Yet I forced myself back to the basic truth of what she said: She is working on forgiving me. Yes, she's doing it for herself, as she and I know she must. But it also would be a blessing to an addict in recovery.

Hope