Rededication (sobriety day 1)

Well, I have been back "out" in active addiction for some time, but I am rededicating myself to the program. I attended a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting tonight, and also went to one on Monday, and Tuesday did a telephone meeting of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous -- which is really the best S-group for me because I am truly a love addict as well as a sex addict.

The incentive for my rededication? Being dumped by my incredible girlfriend after she found out that I had been cheating on her, flirting on the internet with women and actually having sexual encounters with several men. She is devastated, and I am devastated that I have another victim. I spent 40 days in treatment and learned so much and swore I would never victimize anyone ever again. But now I have. And she is just possibly the most wonderful woman I have ever known, a superb partner. We were compatible in so many ways, including sexually -- she never said no, and she was very good in bed. But as my sponsor says, "For active addicts, it's never enough." Here I was getting the best sex of my life, and I had to go out and get more. From men, no less, experimenting with bisexuality. Why? Why would I destroy such a wonderful relationship? I'm obviously self-destructive, but I also destroy relationships. It's like I don't believe I am lovable, so when someone truly loves me I have to do something to prove to them that they are wrong. How sick is that?

I love so many things about this woman. We traveled together, exercised together, played board games, talked ... I am going to miss her so much. But I obviously don't deserve her. Yes, I am filled with shame and guilt and remorse. I've repeated the same pattern that destroyed my marriage. But I'm also back to attending meetings and making phone calls and reading program literature. And back to step 1, realizing through losing her that I am powerless over this addiction and that my life is unmanageable. Now I better figure out how to turn my will over to my higher power! (step 3)

Hope