Well, a lot has happened in the last couple days. The upshot is no more contact with my ex-lover until my divorce is final. And while I know I will miss even texting with her, this is best for the mental health of us both. And surprisingly, I feel a sense of relief. It's over, it's truly over after two weeks of me fighting against that. I'm not even going to think about the off-chance of us getting back together. And I can take all the time I have focused on her -- both before our breakup and after -- and put it toward the program, toward sobriety.
On Sunday night, a text conversation with her ended badly, with her crying hysterically on the phone. I had left her a voice mail -- a mistake, since she had asked me not to call. But texting is so frustrating for me; I have a number pad and fat thumbs; she has a keyboard and little thumbs. I could not keep up with her. I'd be trying to respond to one text and she would send me three more! Of course, I now realize she probably didn't need any response from me; she needed to express her anger and sense of betrayal. But in my frustration I called; she did not answer; I left a voice mail asking if we could communicate another way -- like chat.
Five minutes after the text conversation ended, she called in hysterics. She was crying so hard that I couldn't understand anything other than that she had listened to my voice mail and wished that she hadn't, that she had just deleted it. She got off the phone; I was stunned. What had I said? I couldn't even fully remember. But I was terribly worried about her, and sent her an email suggesting ways she could get help.
She emailed back yesterday saying she felt much better, and that just hearing my voice had set her off. We emailed back and forth and agreed that we should stop communicating until I am divorced -- except for her sharing the results of her STD tests, which she was scheduled to get yesterday.
Yes, she feared I had given her an STD through my cheating. For some reason, I am confident that I do not have an STD, but that might just be my addict talking.
So all day yesterday I worried about the results. If she were HIV positive, I would hate myself forever. I wasn't even thinking about what that would mean for me!
I went to a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting at noon yesterday, and just broke down during my share, expressing my fear that I may have damaged her physically as well as emotionally. I told the group I didn't think I could handle that. They shared phone numbers and urged me to call if I got bad news. When 5 p.m. passed, I figured I would have to wait another day to find out.
I was busy and didn't see it until after 9, but at 6:01 p.m. she sent the last text I will probably ever get from her: "All tests were negative." I guess that's about the best news one could receive in a final text.
I wish her healing. I wish her Godspeed.
I believe I can stop worrying about her. She's a strong lady; eventually she'll get over what I did to her.
We did agree that when my divorce is final, I will contact her. For what? Who knows. I can't be worrying about that either. It's all about sobriety and managing my day-to-day life. And learning to live without a romantic relationship. Maybe, if I'm lucky, even enjoying it occasionally.
Hope
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