Reality sets in (day 6 of sobriety)

Today is a week since my wonderful girlfriend dumped me. It's been such a rollercoaster. We actually spent several hours together on Saturday; I didn't think she would see me, but she agreed to. And we have texted a lot. Mostly she wanted two things: To know why -- which I can't explain because I don't know myself, other than that I am powerless over my addiction; and secondly, to express her anger, which she has done rather thoroughly. Last night she expressed anger about something I wrote on this blog, though I am making sure not to give information that would identify us. I haven't heard from her at all today. I still hold out hope that we might reunite some day, but I know it is extremely unlikely. I need to move on under the assumption that we will not get back together -- maybe even that I will never see her or hear from her again. Just work my program. And if that leads to getting back with her, it will be a joyous surprise. And if it doesn't, well I will have my sobriety! I do wish her well, though. And will always hold a place for her in my heart.

A few minutes ago I downloaded SafeEyes onto my computer. It's set to block all porn sites. When I got out of Keystone and was trying to make it work with my wife, we downloaded BeSafeOnline. But it malfunctioned so badly -- I couldn't even get to email that I needed for work, so we took it off. Of course that was codependent behavior; there are alternatives, and SafeEyes has the best reputation. But I've gone more than a year without a blocker, allowing me to access porn at will. Tonight I'm glad that I can't. But who knows how I'll feel tomorrow.

I did a telephone 12-step meeting of Keystone alumni tonight. There were only four of us on the call, but the shares were good. The reading was from the "white book" -- The Sexaholics Anonymous book. We read the definition of lust: "an attitude demanding that a natural instinct serve unnatural desires." In other words, sexual desire is natural, but lust creates an unnatural instinct to use sex to "reduce isolation, loneliness, fear, tension, or to cover our emotions, make us feel alive, help us escape...." I use sex for ALL those things, and not only that, it seems natural and normal to do so! Tense? Have an orgasm. Lonely? Have an orgasm. Feeling down? Have an orgasm! What's wrong with that; doesn't everybody do that? Well ... no, apparently not. Some people have sex ONLY to experience intimacy with a loved one. I do that, sure. But these people don't also have sex for all those other "unnatural" purposes? Hard to believe, but I guess it's true.

Lust, according to SA, is not physical, it's spiritual. It's the attitude of "not being able to say no." I certainly had that during my recent aborted love affair. Now here's the part that really got to me, that I don't remember reading before (though I have read the book cover to cover twice): Lust "seems to be a spiritual force that distorts instincts; and whenever let loose in one area, seems to want to infect other areas as well. And being nonsexual, lust crosses all lines, INCLUDING GENDER."

So this is why I had oral sex with men even though I am not bi? Sex that I absolutely did not enjoy? That disgusted me? I wish I had remembered this passage when my girlfriend asked me how I could possibly have done sex acts with guys.

So ... time to try to go to sleep in my chair. I haven't been able to sleep in the double bed where my girlfriend would join me on weekends. So I sleep in this Lazy Boy that I inherited from my Dad when he died 15 years ago. And he had it for at least a decade. It still seems to be in perfect shape. It comforts me, my Dad's chair. Encloses me in a way a bed cannot. I wasn't that close to my Dad until very late in his life; he was an extremely demanding and difficult father. But his chair, it comforts me. Still ... it will be a milestone in my grief when I can sleep in my bed. Where she slept with me. Where we made love and cuddled and had long loving talks.

My God, what have I done to her? And to myself?

I abhor addiction. May God strike it from me.