The miracle of spiritual change

I'm hesitant to talk about this, because some will doubt and some will think I'm sort of going against the 12-step program. But here goes:

For many addicts, the spiritual change required for long-term sobriety is a difficult process that hopefully occurs during steps 1, 2 and 3, but maybe later. But for others, the spiritual change can come in a heartbeat. And that's what happened to me last week.

Those who have read the Big Book know that AA Founder Bill W. experienced a miraculous change -- and never drank again. Of course, this followed many failed attempts. But here's what Bill W. writes about the moment: "...the effect was electric. There was a sense of victory, followed by such a peace and serenity as I had never known. There was utter confidence. I felt lifted up, as though the great clean wind of a mountain top blew through and through. God comes to some men gradually, but His impact on me was sudden and profound."

That's not to say that one doesn't have to keep working the program, of course. For the rest of his life Bill worked the program, for himself and others. But I hear a lot of addicts unwilling to even consider that they might have "utter confidence." Maybe that's because they don't, or maybe it's because they are stuck in the "one day at a time" rut. Yes, I believe in taking sobriety one day at a time. But can I also have utter but humble confidence in my ability to stay sober? And have that confidence because of a true spiritual awakening? Yes, I can. And I do.

Bold words for someone with eight days of sobriety. But last Wednesday I was touched by God. Please excuse the next part for being a little graphic; I certainly don't mean to trigger anybody.

My ex-girlfriend broke up with me 10 days ago. She wrote me an email on a Monday explaining how she had found out about my affairs, but I didn't see it until early Tuesday morning, and then we talked on the phone at 5 a.m. I was overwhelmed with guilt and grief. The next day (Wednesday), desperate for comfort, I turned to my "drug of choice": Masturbation. But for the first time, it did not work. I felt no pleasure and no comfort. And lying there after "finishing," I received a distinct message: Orgasm will never again work for you for comfort or escape. Sex is for intimacy and procreation.

And in that moment, I felt healed. I know, I know, I'm a sex addict for life; it's a disease that's managed, not cured. But I cannot deny that I felt healed. As the doctor writes in the Big Book: "Once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire...."

That's me! You can laugh and say, "Yeah, for eight days." But I expect to be writing the same thing in eight months and eight years.

The last week has been a roller coaster of emotions because I miss my girlfriend so and feel so guilty for hurting her and destroying our relationship. But I am not on a sobriety roller coaster. I have had absolutely no desire to masturbate or to seek a sex partner or to look at porn. To me, this is a miracle of the Holy Spirit. But you don't have to be religious to believe in "psychic change" or "utter confidence."

It's taken me a week to process what truly happened in that moment, and to be ready to share it. The first person I told was my girlfriend, via email. She had no response. It would be pretty hard for anybody to believe and trust a week after finding out what I did. Maybe she never will. Or maybe she will someday. Either way, I will be sober. I do believe in miracles!

Hope