90 in 90 (day 7 of sobriety)

I'm doing a modified version of 90 meetings in 90 days -- I'm counting church. I know that makes it unofficial, but I've chosen to do this on my own; when I left Keystone, 90 in 90 was a mandate of the program.

Tonight's church service was powerful. I sang and played congas. There was a long testimony by a woman whose son was accosted by a gun-toting gang outside her house. She went out there and helped talk the gang out of killing them all! And she attributed it to the prayers that church members had been saying for her.

I was sort of depressed most of the day. Then late afternoon when I got home, there was an email from my ex-girlfriend. Boosted my spirits without even reading it. It wasn't to me; she had forwarded her response to one of my friends who had written her. (I didn't ask him to). All she said to me was: fyi. But both letters were beautifully written; it was evident they had both put a lot of effort into it, and just that consoled me -- that she (and my friend) care enough to write such a letter.

She talked about the difficulty of ever trusting me again, and I totally understand that. She knows more about addiction and codependency than I thought. She said that when I am in active addiction it is not the real me., which is definitely true. She also expressed concern about her behavior which might have been codependent, and my unwillingness to point it out.

Mostly, though, she is angry: that she has to get tested to see if I gave her an STD; that I didn't confess about the relapse; that the relapse was going on behind her back throughout our relationship. Pretty damning stuff.

But then she wrote, "It's very possible that my feelings will change with time." In other words there's still a chance for us! My heart soared, but it quickly settled. I can have that hope, but not live in it; I need to focus on sobriety and the program.

Here are some things I am doing:
Praying every morning and evening
Doing a 12-step or church meeting every day
Making at least three program phone calls a day
Installed a porn blocker
Am meeting with a therapist who runs a group for sex addicts
Ordered a recommended book called "Voice of the Heart"
Called my Keystone therapist
Continued work on step 4

The time I spent in intrigue I now spend in the program. Of course I have a lot more time on my hands, since my girlfriend and I were together every weekend.

Until tomorrow,
Hope