Dinner with another sex addict

Last night I had dinner with a guy who is in a similar situation as me. He also has been to inpatient treatment -- actually, I introduced him to Keystone -- and he also has a girlfriend while going through a divorce. Like me, his girlfriend lives a distance away so they don't see each other regularly, and he is tempted to act out when he is not with her. He's looked around on the internet. But he has NOT contacted anyone or met with anyone. So the main difference between him and me is that he still HAS a girlfriend, while I am grieving the deserved loss of mine.

So how has he resisted while I did not? He told me that he regularly asks himself, "What are you doing?" And the question catches him up short and he gets off the internet. Not exactly a traditional 12-step tool: he isn't making a phone call in the moment of temptation, or saying a step prayer. But it's more than I did. I asked myself a similar question: "What have you done?" Of course, that question came after the fact, when it was too late to remain faithful.

Today is Saturday, and I would be with her right now if I had not been such an idiot and let my addiction get the better of me once again. It hurts even more because she told me that she is going to be in my town for another reason ... but won't see me. What I would do for another chance. Oh -- this WAS another chance. I'd already destroyed my marriage, and this was the relationship I was going to get right. And I made the exact same mistakes. Even worse, because this time I had all the tools I learned in treatment and all the tools at my fingertips through 12-step. But I still did not control my carnal desires. This makes a wave of hopelessness sweep over me, like I never will learn to control this addiction.

I feel shame, which leads to self-pity, which leads to a need for comfort, which leads me to act out again! So I have to desperately fight against that feeling of hopelessness, and instead devote myself to the program. Will I ever have another chance at a life partner? Not a healthy question -- that's future-tripping. Just work the program, one day at a time, and look at the people around me who are doing that and have good things (and people) in their lives, and that gives me hope that I also can eventually have good things (and people) in mine.

The Keystone "close," said at the end of every meeting, begins:

"As we raise our eyes from shame to grace..."

That is what I must do now....

Hope