Keystone (Day 70 of sobriety)

Happy Thanksgiving to all, especially to Keystone, which very likely saved my life, and I do mean that literally.

Two years ago at Thanksgiving I was a resident of the Keystone ECU sex addiction treatment center in Chester, PA, just outside Philadelphia. It's an amazing program, and I learned more about myself in 40 days than I had in 30 years of therapy (off and on). I haven't stayed sober, but that's not on Keystone, it's on me. About half of the guys I was in treatment with have stayed sober for two years, and anyone who knows anything about sex addiction knows that is an amazing success rate.

I picked Keystone over other programs because it's the only one I could afford: $12,800 for 30 days (the length I initially signed up for). I know that may seem like a lot, but it's half of what most of the other programs charge, including the one in Mississippi where Tiger Woods went. I was worried why it was half the price, whether the program wasn't as good. But all of these sex addiction facilities, including Keystone, were started by Patrick Carnes, the guru of sex addiction, author of the seminal (not semen-al, get your mind out of the gutter) book, Out of the Shadows. No, the reason Keystone is so much cheaper is the facility: A huge drafty stone mansion more than a hundred years old, with no pool, no weight room, no grounds to speak of. The residents have daily chores -- cleaning the kitchen, vacuuming, dusting -- and once a week on Sunday afternoon we did "spiritual cleaning," 2-3 hours of scrubbing the place top to bottom. Yep, we paid good money to be maids. So are you expecting a picnic in treatment? I think the austere environment actually helped us; we weren't there to play around in any way, shape or form.

The program included 5-6 hours of group therapy a day, individual counseling 1-3 times a week, and 12-step meetings six nights a week. Intense is an understatement. Different individuals were the focus of various group therapy sessions, which included such things as reading to the group our life history, including our addiction history, which had to be a minimum of 20 hand-written pages (most guys wrote 30-40); reading to the group a list of all our victims and how we victimized each one; having another resident read to us a "cost letter" mailed from a loved one describing the hurt our addiction had cost them; and lots of role playing ... that wasn't playing at all. I shouldn't even call it role-playing, because it was deadly real.

One of the weekly sessions was called psychodrama, run by an absolute genius therapist named Nancy who we affectionately called Yoda behind her back. She was less than 5 feet tall, kind of dumpy, with a high-pitched little girl voice and a rather insane laugh. She would walk in and we would greet her with a combination of awe and fear. We didn't know ahead of time who she was going to pick to be the subject that day, or what she had in mind, but we knew that whomever she picked was going to experience one of the most profound two hours of their life.

Nancy would call on someone and have them take a chair by her in the front of the room, and she would ask a series of probing questions, like what was the greatest trauma you ever experienced, or how did your parents treat you as a child, or who would you most like to say something to about your life. What was amazing is that SHE didn't have a plan of what was going to happen, either! Based on the answers to the questions, she would set up a scenario. For me, it involved my parents and my older sister. Then she would ask for volunteers from the group to play those roles. One at a time the volunteers would sit in my seat, and I would sit in theirs, and I would act the part of the relative while the volunteer portrayed me. So as my father, I screamed at the housemate in my chair, who cowered like a little boy. This was just the beginning, a "training exercise" so that my fellow sex addict knew how to portray my Dad. Then he took his seat back and I took my seat back. Once all the players had been trained, Nancy would present an actual situation from my childhood. "OK, let's say that you played outside in your good pants and ripped them and now your Dad is mad about it." And we would act out the drama. Except it wasn't acting. The feelings were absolutely real: I felt like I was 8 years old being verbally abused by my father. And I had the opportunity to say to him all the things I was afraid to say, that I have had a need to say for 50 years!

I know this all sounds a little silly, but it felt as real as a heart attack. In most of these role-plays, big tough sex addict guys wound up crying like babies. Don't knock it till you've tried it.

And that was just the beginning. Once the trauma was re-experienced, Nancy would find a way to help us heal. For me, she said I needed to be "born again," and she didn't mean in the Christian sense. She meant born again as a child who believed in his intrinsic self-worth, rather than a child filled with self-loathing because of the loathing imparted by his (my) father.

Now you're going to think this next part is really stupid. She had a bunch of guys sit on the floor in two rows, back to back. One of the guys and a female therapist sat in chairs at the end of this row. She said that the rows of guys were the birth canal, and the couple at the end were my parents -- but loving parents instead of what they had been. And my job was to make it through the birth canal. So I got down on the floor on my belly and started trying to push my way through the guys. But Nancy told them to make it hard for me, so they were pushing their backs against one another so it was extremely difficult to get through; I mean I was truly fighting to move forward, and it probably took me 10 minutes to move 10 feet. Now I know what you're thinking, how ridiculous this all sounds, a guy squirming on his belly through a line of other guys. What a bunch of new-age psycho-babble, right? Wrong! When I finally "emerged" from the "birth canal," and my parents were there to catch me and hold me and soothe me, well I absolutely broke down. And in the arms of my new "parents," my self-image changed DRAMATICALLY. I no longer think of myself as a "bad boy" who can't do anything right and has no control over his life and could be verbally or physically abused at any moment. I now think of myself as an intrinsically good person who has made some bad choices and hurt some people he wishes he hadn't hurt.

I've tried to describe this as best I can, but it's one of those things where you have to be there. When I was crying in my "parents' arms," everybody else in the room was crying, too.

I have no doubt that without Keystone I would be facing "jails, institutions and death," as they say in NA (Narcotics Anonymous). I was definitely on that road. My thanks, on this day of thanks, is opverwhelming.

There is no experience like being in treatment. I made half a dozen friends for life, guys that I talk with on the phone at least once a week, even though I haven't seen them in a year and a half (we did have a reunion in May 2009). I know I may never see some of them again. And yet I know I can call on them any hour of the day or night and they will pick up the phone and listen ... and accept me no matter what I have done ... and hold me accountable for my behavior ... and remind me of the tools I have to stay sober.

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that it was the best $16,000 I ever spent, and all other residents I know say the same thing. Oh yeah, why the extra dough beyond the original price? Because they asked me to stay an extra 10 days. Pissed me off royally at the time, but they said I had not progressed enough and they wouldn't give me a "full graduation" unless I stayed. I could have left -- I didn't have legal issues like some of the guys who had to follow the therapists' recommendations -- but of course they were right: Those last 10 days had the most impact on me, including the psychodrama, which they had refused to do during the first 30 days because they said I was not ready to handle it. I know, you're thinking this is just a way to squeeze more money out of this poor sap. But it wasn't. These are BRILLIANT therapists, and I don't say that lightly, having been involved in the field myself. When they say you need to stay longer, then you need to stay longer -- and that happens with probably about half the clients.

So I accepted that recommendation. Unfortunately, I rejected another -- which was that I should not go straight home but rather into a "halfway house" for sex addicts. My therapist told me that my marriage was toxic, my wife codependent, and that significant changes needed to occur in that relationship. But I didn't listen, and now ... in the next couple weeks I will be officially divorced. But that is the subject of another post sometime in the future.

If you are a sex addict -- if you are powerless over your sexual acting out and your life has become unmanageable -- then get your ass to Keystone. www.keystonecenterecu.net/

You will never be the same. You'll be better. And you will have ...

Hope

Talking with my lover (day 68 or ...)

So much has happened in the last few days. My lover and I are talking! A lot! Like daily. And while she is pessimistic about reunion, I feel so blessed that she wants to talk with me at all. I want her back as my lover, but if I have to settle for friendship I will do that. I can't say a lot more because she asked me not to write any details on this blog.

I've also changed my sobriety date. I think I ws being too hard on myself. I haven't had an orgasm since Sept. 16, so why isn't that my sobriety date? I reset it once because I touched myself without going to completion. I reset it again when I was not rigorously honest with my psychiatrist about having stopped one of my medications. But I have met the Sexahiolics Anonymous definition of sobriety the whole time -- no sex with self or anyone other than a spouse. So maybe I can give myself a break!

Sobriety from sex addiction is confusing. It's not like alcohol or drugs -- you either have used the substance or you have not. But sex and eating are "process addictions" rather than "substance addictions," and the definition of sobriety is thus more complicated.

When I first spoke with my lover a few days ago, she said, "I thought you'd have 60-some days. Why don't you?" I explained it, and she didn't say anything; she doesn't want to interfere in such decisions.

I guess I should discuss this with my sponsor. Duh. He's my S-advisor. I'll do that. Maybe I'll have to change the number back to a lesser amount. But for now, I'm following the SA definition.

Of course, if I get my lover back we will make love, which will violate SA because we aren't married. Sobriety is confusing. Really! But I have ....

Hope

Divorce (day 22)

I haven't posted in a while, even though a lot has happened. Not sure why, I just didn't feel like it. I hope to make several posts in the next couple of days.

At the hearing on Nov. 4, we actually reached a settlement. The judge told the four of us -- two attorneys and my wife and I -- to go into a conference room and talk. Within half an hour we were done. This is what I had been asking for for months -- a mediation-type thing.

I gave in on almost everything; I get all the debt and she gets half my retirement. But I don't resent it; I just wanted it to be over.

Now, 9 days later, I'm still waiting to see the actual order that she and I have to sign. It's a done deal -- we went into the courtroom and agreed to it before the judge -- but it's not official until the order is signed. Then I give her more than $100,000! It's only money!

I hope the order comes through soon -- because on that day I can contact my lover and see if there is any chance of a relationship. I'm scared and worried about that day, but I also am ready for it to happen. Tired of waiting to know for sure. Though I am already pretty certain; I emailed her on the 4th and told her that my wife and I had reached a settlement and the divorce would be final soon. I wasn't really supposed to do that -- I was supposed to wait to talk with my lover after the divorce is final -- but I just couldn't help myself. I was excited and relieved that the marriage truly is finally over.

But ... I think if there were any chance with my lover, she would have responded -- "Glad to hear it, talk with you soon," or some such thing -- but she did not. Silence. Which speaks volumes. But I shouldn't be "future-tripping" about this, as they say at the Keystone treatment center.

It's been 9 days and I don't feel any differently; I so want to talk with my lover, even if she shuts me down. If she says she never wants to see or talk to me again, I'll be really sad. And guilty for cheating on her. But I also will be able to move on. She's not the only woman in the world for me, though she's the one I most want.

One of my program friends says that I shouldn't just call her; I should email her and ask her to call me. Then she can do it in her own way and time. I am going to do that ... but I fear she won't call, that she might just email me saying it's over, or not respond at all. I really really would like to hear her voice again; I hope she'll offer me that grace.

Future-tripping again. And assuming. Maybe she's going to say she's still in love with me and she wants to get back together. That would be one of the happiest days of my life, right up with there with my marriage and the "births" of my children. (Two are adopted, which is why "births" is in quotes.)

Wow. I'm still future-tripping. Positive or negative, it's still future-tripping, and that's not living in the here and now. It's all going to happen, in God's time and God's way. I should just leave it at that, but I can't. I don't know how to stop speculating, worrying, wishing, praying, and hoping. Especially that. I am filled with ...

Hope

Divorce

I face a divorce hearing this afternoon. Nothing's going to happen -- we don't have a settlement, and she and I are not even allowed in the courtroom; it's just the lawyers talking to the judge for a few minutes. Yet my stomach is churning.

This would be so much easier if I still had my lover to talk to. She was so supportive. I will never ever understand why I cheated on her, too.

I miss her most after work; I would always call on the way home. I get out of work at about 10 p.m. some nights, and I still just automatically start taking my phone out, even seven weeks after our breakup. Then I remember: I have no one to call at this time of night. And it's no fault but my own. And I feel this tightness in my stomach and head as I put my phone away.

I used to pray for her forgiveness, but I doubt God (or she) is going to grant me that. Now I pray FOR HER every morning, for her to be healthy and to not be too injured by what I did to her. I don't think I deserve to pray for more. And then I pray (sometimes reluctantly) for God's will in my life, not my own. I know what I would will: For my lover to forgive me and for us to get back together and for it to be all wonderful. And ... there is the slimmest chance of that happening. Or maybe there's not and I just don't know it yet because I haven't talked to her.

I so want the divorce to be over. The main reason is that's when I can call my lover (per our agreement). It's so weird: I spent over 30 years with one woman, and nine months with the other, and it's the nine-month lover I think of constantly and want to get back together with. I guess I'm still infatuated. Or obsessed. or in lust. Or in love. Or all of the above. We sex addicts have a hard time differentiating any of that.

Today is going to be a lonely day: Working at home, going to the divorce hearing, then more work at home. And oh yeah, I also have to fire someone from the small business I own. That will be loads of fun. I'm definitely feeling sorry for myself.

I do have a local 12-step meeting tonight at 7. I can look forward to that. And I am going to "bookend" the divorce hearing: Call a 12-step buddy before and after. That will help with the emotions.

I doubt I'll feel much joy today. Of course, some people tell me that's a "choice." I wish I knew how to make that choice. I don't know how to "choose joy." I hope during this dark time that God teaches me that.

Hope

20 years (day 13)

Last night one of my buddies from the Keystone treatment center called; we talk about once a week (for the past two years). He told a story of attending a meeting at which a guy got a 20-year coin. Twenty years of sobriety! The guy told his story, and just hearing the tone of wonderment in my buddy's voice was an inspiration to me last night (which I really needed, since I face a divorce court hearing today).

The guy had ruined one marriage with his sex addiction (just as I have), and almost ruined a second. But one night the guy got drunk and confessed to his second wife and asked for help. And 20 years later, they are still together. Yet the guy says that after all this sobriety he still faces temptation every day. He lives and works in Manhattan, home to some of the most beautiful and best-dressed women in the world. The guy said he spends a lot of time staring at his shoe-tops as he walks around the city. And when he does look, he says a prayer for that woman. And when that's not enough, he gets to a meeting or makes a phone call to a friend in the program.

As they say in 12-step, "It's a simple program, but it's not easy!" One day at a time ... for 20 years!

That gives me ....

Hope

Spirituality (day 11)

Saturday at the Sexaholics Anonymous meeting, we read "The Spritual Basis for Addiction." It's my third time through the book, but there was a paragraph that brought me up short; I had not understood it correctly before!

The sentence I was familiar with says: "Some of us testify to having led a spiritual life while still practicing our wrongs."

Yep, that's me. What a hypocrite I have been! But I let that sentence keep me from reading the rest of the paragraph:

"Now we see that the spiritual realm encompasses both good and evil, and that regardless of our spiritual experiences -- real though they may have been -- what we were doing was neither good nor right."

In other words, I was not such a hypocrite; my spiritual experiences were REAL, even as I was leading a secret life of debauchery. The people I helped I really helped. The Holy Spirit that I felt I really felt. At the same time that I was doing things that were "neither good nor right."

This paragraph has become a comfort to me.

Hope

Tattoo (Day 10)

On Saturday I got my second tattoo. It's four letters on my thigh: PDCH.
That's the initials of the four women I have been in love with. I've been thinking about doing this for a while, and just decided to go for it.

It got me thinking about those four relationships: In all cases, the woman ended it. My marriage was sort of mutual; I was already on the way out, but she actually asked me to leave after finding out about my latest encounter with another woman. So I really didn't end any of those relationships, which confirms one of the characteristics of Sex and Love Addicts: "We stay enslaved to emotional dependency, romantic intrigue, or compulsive sexual activities." For me, it's the emotional dependency that is the strongest. Don't get me wrong, I do not act needy or dependent on my partner; in fact, I'm rather dominant. But the dependency is there in the sense that I do not feel fully complete without a partner. I know that's not healthy but it's the way I've been since I started dating as a teen.

My lover completed me so completely! I had never been with someone who fulfilled so many of my needs. Yet I cheated on her. Insanity.

The other characteristic of SLAA that truly matches me is related to emotional dependency: "We feel empty and incomplete when we are alone." That's me. I've been alone for six weeks now, and I think it's been the longest six weeks of my life. But I still have ....

Hope

A little update (day 8)

"Without God, I can't
Without me, God won't."


This is the longest I've gone without an entry since I started. I guess I just haven't had a lot to say. I'm continuing to work my 12-step program, averaging a meeting a day. I'm continuing to be rigorously honest, except for not telling my psychiatrist about having stopped one of my medications. But I'm going to call him and come clean. It's been bothering me ... a lot. And my counselor says he can hook me up with another psychiatrist if mine fires me -- which he threatened to do the last time I went off meds. When I call him, can I regain my previous sobriety of 20-some days? I still did a lie of omission, but then I will have undone it. I sort of want those days back. Is that kosher? I'll have to ask my sponsor.

It looks like the divorce settlement is just about done. We have a hearing next week, and we've figured out the finances. I don't know if that means the divorce could be finalized that quickly? I emailed my lawyer but he didn't respond.

I want the divorce to be finalized asap. Mostly so I can call my lover, hear her voice again, and see if there's any chance for us. (After I cheated on her, I promised not to contact her until the divorce is final.) But the truth is that I expect that both relationships -- wife and lover -- will come to their final conclusion on the same day. I dread that day and look forward to it, too. Because I will finally know. It's been difficult not knowing. I'm not a patient person, not good at waiting at all. But God is teaching me patience.

I'm still in love with her, that's for sure. Sometimes I open her yahoo chat box and write messages to her -- "I love you, I adore you" -- and then delete them without sending. It's a total fantasy, but it makes me feel good that I can "tell her" -- even though I'm not telling her at all. Sad, huh?

I hope she will forgive and want to try again. But if not, I will move on, eventually finding another partner (hopefully), and making sure I do that next relationship right: rigorous honesty. No lies of commission, no lies of omission, no exaggerations. Total openness. Transparent.

The only truly good thing that has come out of my latest acting out is that I have become much closer with my younger sister. She stayed with me 10 days, and we've been emailing and calling since. She's now one of the people closest to me, and she knows about my addiction. Is it worth it to lose a lover to gain a deep relationship with a sister?

Hope

wisdom (day 3)

"Maybe there is an escape but you choose not to be rescued. You choose to stay where you are.... Once you realize that you're trapped in a vice you can't get out of, you'll say, "I need rescue!" And we have a choice: We can say, 'I want to be rescued; I don't want to live like this.'

"Allow God to wrap his arms around you. Say to Him, 'Here I am.'


Is that steps 1-2-3, or what? Part of my pastor's sermon Sunday....

Hope

Good-bye, Sis (Day 1)

My sister left today after 10 days of staying with me. I got a lot accomplished during that time, much better organized with paperwork, etc. I started exercising. We played Scrabble several times -- something I used to do with my lover. And we talked ... about anything and everything, including our childhood trauma. She told me that our mother admitted to having physically abused me. I don't remember it, but I wasn't shocked, either.

Now my sister and I are closer than we have ever been. It's the second positive thing that has come out of being caught cheating and losing the best relationship I ever had. The first is my commitment to rigorous honesty.

I don't believe that line of Nietschze's: "That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger." Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn't. I'm sorry, but brain damage doesn't make us stronger in any way at all.

I do believe I am learning plenty from this devastating time. But I think I should have learned it without victimizing my lover. I apologize. Again.

I was in a meeting this morning when a guy said, "We change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change." That's where I am: I just cannot stand what I did to her. I cannot stand living a secret life, lying to EVERYONE, being so alone in my secrecy and lies. I WANT to change, and I think I have. I may never get a chance to prove it to my lover, but that doesn't negate the fact that I have changed.

I have this odd hope -- I know it's probably 1 percent -- that we'll reunite. Maybe it's just a fantasy to help keep me going. I know this: I will never forget the love we shared and the fun we had together. It may have been the most fun 8 months of my life. I thank you, my lover, for that.

Hope

Broken sobriety

I'm sad to say that I broke my rigorous honesty today. So my day count of sobriety starts over.

I went to see my psychiatrist, basically for a med check. I've been diagnosed bipolar II (the mild kind) and I am supposed to be on two medications. But ... on several occasions I have stopped taking the meds, and I did that during my recent love affair (that ended a month ago because I cheated). When I am happy and things are going well, I think I don't need the meds. That's probably untrue; I probably need to stay on them forever, and the fact that I acted out when I had a fantastic relationship going is one indication that it was a mistake to stop.

When my lover broke up with me a month ago, I started taking my antidepressants immediately, because the loss of this woman I love threw me into a depression. But I did not take the other drug, the one for bipolar. So today, after hearing about my distress over the breakup, my psychiatrist said I need to increase that medication. This medication must be somewhat dangerous, because you are only supposed to each week increase 25 mg a day. So over the next month I am supposed to go from 200 mg per day to 300 mg. But I am at 0 mg and it will take me 12 weeks to get to 300.

If he had directly asked me if I were taking my meds, I would have told the truth. But that's not good enough. I committed a lie of omission rather than a lie of commission.

I talked with my sister about it tonight (technically last night, since it is 1 a.m.), and she suggested maybe I should call the psychiatrist tomorrow and tell him the truth. When I said I did not want to have to find another doctor, she agreed that would be a hassle. But she also said it might be worth it, to maintain rigorous honesty.

I don't know what to do. Maybe that phrase "facing life on life's terms" means calling him and getting dropped as a client and finding a new psychiatrist. Or maybe I should just build up the medication without telling him.

But I swore off the secret life. Damn, life is full of hard decisions! But I have ...

Hope

First Step (day 10 of new sobriety)

I went to an SA meeting tonight and a guy presented his First Step. Basically, he told his story, though it's in a Q&A format. It was very powerful for the dozen sex addicts who heard it. And for him, of course -- the first time he had ever told his whole story to a group.

He had some interesting lines that I definitely identified with.

Of his acting out, he said: "I sink into a depressive celebration of the senses."

He said he also suffered from "the inability to experience joy." he said: "I see negativity as one of my addictions."

That has befallen me at times, though at other times I am quite the optimist. And happy.

As I was jotting down notes from his First Step, I saw some quotes from others that I have written over the last two years that I have been in the program. A statement by one of our wisest members -- with several years of sobriety -- really struck me:

"Anything I put in front of my recovery I'm going to lose anyway."

That's what I did with my lover. Maybe what I'm still doing. And I need to not do that. With God's help, and the help of the program, I believe I can put recovery first....

Hope

Dealing with obsession (day 9 of new sobriety)

The night before last I noticed that my lover's screen name was no longer available on yahoo chat. She keeps her phone on constantly, so she's always available. I thought maybe she had her phone off for some reason. But the next day she still was "gone," and has remained so. It seems to mean one of two things: She has blocked me from chat, or she has gotten a new phone number. If she got a new phone number, she may have moved out of state.

Any of the above possibilities are bad for possible reunification. It threw me. Yesterday I obsessed about what could be going on. I was upset. It's just one more sign that the chance of reunification is virtually nonexistent.

I made some phone calls to guys in the program and they commiserated with me. I did a midnight SA telephone meeting. Those things helped, and today I have not felt obsessed. But I know it could come back at any moment.

UPDATE added to this post: SHE'S BACK AVAILABLE! Who knows what happened, but I put myself through a lot of anxiety for nothing. That's obsession, folks. That's addiction.

Tonight my sister and I had a long talk. I told her all about my fetish behavior. She now knows more than anyone except for my lover and the Keystone staff and fellow "inmates." It felt easy to talk to my sister, and it felt good. She asked me lots of questions about my relationship with my lover, and challenged me on some of my thinking.

My lover cheated on her previous partner. Several times she met with a guy who spanked her and had sex with her. Then she got spanked by me once before she and her boyfriend broke up. I asked her once if she she would have expected forgiveness if he had ever found out, and she said no. Which is another bad sign as far as her forgiving me.

But it reminds me that she is no saint. I need to stop idealizing her. She's a great woman and we definitely were in love. But she's not my perfect match. (Just close.)

This is hard to say, but ... if she doesn't believe in forgiveness -- either forgiving others (like me) or being forgiven by those she has harmed -- then she's not the partner for me. I definitely believe in forgiveness. I have forgiven my parents for what they did to me. I have forgiven a couple of bosses. I have forgiven a former partner who cheated on me throughout our relationship. (Exactly what I did to my lover.) I need a partner who believes in forgiveness. Maybe it will be her. I have hope ... and doubt.

My sponsor said to me yesterday: "You know, she didn't have to leave you. She could have stayed with you, knowing what you did and knowing what she did to her previous partner. You hurt and betrayed her, but she left you because of her own issues." That was a revelation.

I pray to God to help her heal from our breakup. And to help me with my healing. And I affirm: I am forgiveable. God forgives. So I am forgiven by God. I can forgive myself. I haven't yet, but I can and I must. Forgiveness from God and myself are more important than forgiveness from her.

So there!

Hope

Jogging (day 7 of new sobriety)

I got up early this morning and went jogging. I jogged yesterday, too. Actually, it's jog a block and walk a block. But it's the first time in years that I have tried to run. I used to run 4.5 miles a day, but then my knees gave out. For several years I bicycled regularly, but when we moved to another state several years ago, I basically quit exercising all together. I gained 30 pounds. I recently had knee surgery, and decided I could try it again.

Anyway, it's a good thing that I have started exercising. For my physical health, and for my sex addiction. I hope the endorphin rush of exercise will help replace the endorphin rush of sex and fetish activity. I do miss those endorphins!

I hope that exercising is a sign that I am coming out of this depression over the loss of my lover.

Hope

Higher power (day 6 of new sobriety)

This morning at church I knelt at the altar and asked God to help me focus on Him, rather than on my lover. I have been placing my faith and hope in her, in her forgiveness and our possible reconciliation. But I know that is not where my focus should lie. My focus needs to be on surrendering to God and asking for His help to overcome this addiction -- and to overcome my obsession with my lover. I have to stay sober and I have to stay committed to rigorous honesty, regardless of how my lover responds when I ask for forgiveness. I want her back, but I don't NEED her back. I NEED my higher power to help me in recovery.

I thought about her less today. Still a lot. But less.

Hope

A wedding

This afternoon my sister and I went to a wedding, a young couple that goes to my church. I sat next to my sister and thought, "My lover should be here with me instead of my sister." But of course she wasn't because I drove her away.

As they were saying their vows, I thought: "I broke those vows in my marriage several times."

It was a beautiful wedding, a gorgeous couple, a packed church of celebrators. I felt like throwing up from self-hate.

"I release my guilt and shame." Somehow I must make this affirmation come true.

Hope

A bad dream (day 5 of new sobriety)

I seldom remember my dreams, but this morning I awoke with one fresh in my mind after tossing and turning from 3 a.m. to 8 a.m.

My lover was lying on the bed, fully clothed. We were broken up, seeing each other for the first time. I was seated on the bed beside her. She told me that she had recently gone on a camping trip with an ex-boyfriend, totally platonic. I felt a little surge of jealousy. I asked her if she was seeing anyone. She said she had met someone on the camping trip, and had sex with him. I said I thought she was going to not see anyone until I was divorced, to see if there was a chance at reconciliation. She just shrugged. I wanted to scream, "Don't you even care about me?" But I didn't say it because I was afraid of the answer. I asked her if she planned to see this guy again, and she said she probably would. She had that glow on her glorious cheekbones that I used to see when she was sexually satisfied and content.

I woke up feeling angry and betrayed. Then I thought: We're broken up, and we have no commitment to one another. She can do as she likes. But I had sex with someone else while we were still together, while we were supposed to be a monogamous couple. So she is not the betrayer; I am.

Then I prayed that the dream wasn't true, or even any semblance of it.

Hope

Seeking forgiveness (day 4 of new sobriety)

From an incredible book I am reading called Voice of the Heart.:

"Guilt is what we feel when we actually do something wrong .... wound others, fail our personal value system and standards, and cause regret upon regret."

I have done all of the above to my lover.

"The amount of forgiveness I receive is directly related to my willingness to be fully truthful, exposed, and surrendered -- that is, humbled (healthy shame). This is what makes guilt so painful and forgiveness so terrifying."

I will be terrified to call her and ask forgiveness, but I know I must do it when the time comes.

"When we go to someone we have harmed and expose our hearts in guilt, they will offer forgiveness (then or over time), or they will maintain distrust and resentment in their inability or unwillingness to forgive."

She told me from the beginning that she had trust issues, and I betrayed that trust, so I fear she will have great difficulty forgiving.

"If we are truthful and vulnerable in seeking forgiveness, then we will be free of the pain of guilt because in honestly seeking forgiveness we exposed our hearts for relationship."

This I will do: expose my heart.

"In both situations (forgiveness or not), our hearts are given back to us, one in reconciliation and freedom, the other in sadness, hope and freedom. The decision the others make is whether to honor our hearts."

I pray that she will honor my heart.

"Whenever we genuinely seek forgiveness, we are free, whether the others forgive us or not."

If she does not forgive me, then I will have to better understand how I am still free of guilt without her forgiveness. This will be a great challenge for me, to not fall into toxic shame.

In a month or so, on the day my divorce is final, I will know....

Hope

Sister visit (day 3 of new sobriety)

My younger sister has come to visit for the weekend. It's awesome. She knows I've been struggling emotionally with all this, so here she is.

We had a great talk this evening about our childhoods, and I learned some things that she knew about that I don't remember. About some childhood trauma that I experienced. Our mother told my sister about it -- interesting that she didn't tell me. At Keystone we did a lot of work on childhood trauma, and it did help me a lot ... but not enough to stay sober with my lover, which is truly a shame.

We played Scrabble tonight, and that was fun. I play Scrabble online but I hadn't played Scrabble live with anyone since my lover. It was bittersweet: Nice to be playing again, but also mindful of all the wonderful games that my lover and I had.

I went to a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting tonight. I shared first, and talked about my commitment to rigorous honesty -- for probably the first time in my life. Everybody else who shared also talked about honesty, and many identified dishonesty as their chief character defect. I guess it's incredibly prevalent in addiction.

Ten times a day I wonder how my lover is doing, and what she is doing. I want so much to contact her, and know that I can't, that I have to stick to my agreement of not contacting her until I am divorced. I hold out little hope that anything will come to fruition then; she might even have moved away. But there is a glimmer.

I am just so angry with myself for what I did to her. I have to keep saying that affirmation: I release myself from guilt and shame.

Hope

Therapist unexcited (day 2 of new sobriety)

Well, I met with my therapist today and he wasn't too happy with my new definition of sobriety. He questioned whether spanking is a healthy behavior. I opined that if it is consensual and there are no lasting injuries then it's no different than toe-sucking or any other fetish, and fetishes are not addictions ... unless they make one's life unmanageable. And my plan of limiting it to a committed monogamous relationship makes it manageable.

He responded that toe-sucking doesn't have the psychological symbolism that spanking does, and asked me to keep an open mind to how healthy spanking is in a relationship. I agreed to keep an open mind. But I know this: It wasn't unhealthy for my lover and me. The intimacy of it was incredibly powerful.

I would like to spank her again. I would like to make love with her again. But mostly I'd like to hold her in my arms and tell her of my love....

Hope

Reset sobriety (day 1)

I have reset my sobriety date to yesterday. I have come to a new understanding of what sobriety means to me -- a new definition. And via that new definition, I violated sobriety during the past four weeks because I was not "rigorously honest in all my affairs." One thing I was not rigorously honest about was waffling about my definition of masturbation; that can be found in an earlier post.

I believe I finally now have a definition of sobriety which will truly work for me. Some in the program will not agree with it; some will say that I am not maintaining sobriety at all. It definitely does not meet the strictest definition, from Sexaholics Anonymous: No sex with self or anyone other than a spouse. But with this definition, I believe I can be honest and consistent in all my affairs, and not fall into unmanageability.

I have realized so much in the last 48 hours, and I am still realizing it. An ongoing epiphany. One realization is that I believed that my secret life, my dishonesty, was caused by addiction and my desire to pursue my desires behind my wife's back. That's partially true, but now I also realize that it's also the other way around: The secrecy triggered the unmanageability of my addiction. As long as I was maintaining a secret life, I was totally alone: NO ONE knew the whole story, not even my best friend from kindergarten that I supposedly tell everything to. And being alone and telling lies of commission or omission to EVERYONE was too frightening to handle, so I ran for comfort in my addiction, which I had to keep secret ... and the snowball grew as it rolled down the hill into a bottomless abyss.

I think maybe I even became addicted to secrecy -- at least it became a way of life. And that may be part of the reason that I cheated on my lover, who was giving me the companionship, affection, sex and fetish behavior which I have craved for years. In the past month I have on several occasions literally screamed, "Why did I do this to her?" (And to myself.) And I honestly did not have a shred of explanation! I may never know entirely why I destroyed the best relationship I ever had. But now maybe I have part of the answer: I was addicted to secrecy, and felt some perverse need to keep secrets from her, even though I had no reason to.

So here is the absolute truth: I have a spanking fetish, which I first engaged in when I was six years old. In my fetish, the spanking is consensual, not as forced punishment; therefore I virtually never spanked my children, and the few times I did so I realized that I could not do so because of the potential conflict of interest. My fetish is about the "voluntary relinquishment of control" (my phrase) that a spankee gifts to the spanker. They share this intimacy, this exploration of the line between pain and pleasure and the point at which the two become indistinguishable -- and that place is one of true sharing and intimacy, despite what professionals have told me to the contrary.

I don't know if I was born with this fetish or acquired it, but I believe that it is unlikely to ever go away. So this was one of my key reservations with my program of recovery. In inpatient treatment they told me that my fetish was sexualizing childhood trauma which I experienced, and that being in recovery meant no longer pursuing the fetish. Maybe they are right, in a perfect and simplistic world. But I know what I am INSIDE, and I cannot and will not deny that spanking is part of who I am. Maybe that's powerlessness: I have an overriding need to engage in this behavior. But that does not mean it has to be unmanageable.

It is manageable as part of a consensual, committed, monogamous relationship.

That meant it was not manageable in my marriage because my wife did not want to engage in spanking, though she did at one point make a loving attempt to accommodate my fetish. So I went outside the marriage for spanking -- not for sex acts, though I admit they occasionally occurred. And that destroyed my marriage. I am sad about that -- she's a wonderful woman whom I miss. But I knew that was going to happen eventually, and in a way it was a relief (or so I thought) that I could pursue my fetish and not have to live the secret life anymore.

So I met my lover through a spanking site. At first our encounters were platonic, while I was still living at home with my wife as my marriage disintegrated. That is, they were as platonic as an encounter can be when the woman is bare-bottomed over the man's knee. That was adultery in my wife's eyes, and I understand that. But to my future lover and I, we were clearly not engaging in a sex act.

Once I moved out of the house into my own apartment, my lover and I began dating. It did become romantic, and it did include sex. She hadn't been the only one I was chatting with online, and I did not stop chatting with those people -- or stop trying to line up new spanking partners. I told my lover from the beginning that I planned to spank others, and at first she was OK with it, so in that sense I was being honest. And I only spanked one woman during this love affair, and my lover actually helped set that up! But I also told my lover that I was not actively seeking others, when I really was. So I was continuing to engage in unmanageable behavior -- that is, secrecy -- and it was only a matter of time before I got caught, just as my wife had caught me several times before.

This is where my addict's "stinkin' thinkin'" took over. I told myself that as long as I did not actually spank anyone without her knowledge, that what I was doing (playing online) was OK. And that thinking became even more twisted as our love affair developed. I realized that it would be wrong for me to have secret encounters with other women, but my addict told me it would be OK to have secret encounters with men! That I would not be cheating because she would still be the only woman that I was spanking or having sex with! I had always been bi-curious, as are most people at some point in their lives, and my addict decided that this was the time to find out what it was like. So I did pursue encounters with men, both for spanking and for oral sex. I had three over a period of several months. I didn't enjoy them, and by last summer I stopped. At first I went back to trying to meet women online who were into spanking, but in August I stopped that behavior, too. I was deeply in love, and my lover was fulfilling my fetish. And she also was expressing grave concern about her prior agreement that it would be OK for me to spank others. The spanking which she helped set up and witnessed disturbed her greatly; it was the intimacy of it that she did not want me to share. We argued about this on several occasions, and it became contentious enough that it was a possible deal-breaker. I did not want to give up that "freedom," even though I had no one in mind, and had not enjoyed the one spanking that my lover witnessed, and most of all that my lover was the best spankee I had ever been with or could ever imagine.

In early September, we went away on a romantic Labor Day holiday that included no sex because she was on her period. We had a wonderful platonic time, and I came to the conclusion that I could live the rest of my life without engaging in spanking or sex with another person. But I did not tell her that; in my cautious way, I wanted to think about it for a while to make sure. Then it all fell apart when she found emails I had written to both men and women, and she broke up with me. This was the great irony, that I had quit the behavior. But on the other hand, if she had not found out, then I would have had to harbor that secret about what I had done -- and would have yet another relationship that did not include rigorous honesty.

And that is my most triggering behavior: I hold secrets, I feel guilty and alone, I act out. The Great Truth for me is this: If I tell the truth, my life is manageable.

It seems so simple, but this is the issue that goes back to childhood trauma; I was accused of so many things that the truth did not matter. I was screamed at for things I did and things I didn't do, and the truth had no place in it. So I lost sight of the value of truth. Now it has come flooding back.

This is the hope I have for my lover and me: That she will realize how I have changed, that I would never lie to her again, neither lies of commission nor lies of omission. That she COULD trust me, because I am not the same person I was a few weeks ago (or even a few days ago).

Of course, that would take, as she told me the last time we communicated, a "leap of faith" that she wasn't sure she could make. I would be sad if she decides not to try, but I would understand. I did betray her, I did hurt her deeply, and how does she know that I have changed, other than what I say and do -- and I was good at hiding and lying before (though not good enough to avoid being caught).

If she decides not to try again, then I will go on; as I say in one of my three new affirmations: "I release the guilt and shame" of what I did to her. To hang on to it, as I have for the past month, was destroying me.

My next relationship, whether with her (hopefully) or someone else, will be built on rigorous honesty -- and will include spanking. That is my truth, and to live a rigorously honest life, I must not hide that fact from the incredible men who have helped me with recovery. And if some of them in 12-step decide that means I am not sober, then so be it. But here (finally) is my definition of sobriety:

1. I live a life of rigorous honesty in all my affairs.
2. All fetish and sexual activity with others will be in the context of a consensual committed monogamous relationship.

And today is Day One.

Hope

New affirmations

I left a counseling session this morning with the following affirmations, which shall become my mantra:

I release this guilt and shame.

I fully commit myself to my program of recovery.

I shall be rigorously honest in all my affairs.


Hope

A month of regret (day 26 of sobriety)

Today is one month since my lover and I made love. I can't forget the date: 9/11.

That may sound like a sex addict comment, to be missing the sex, but honestly that's not even close to what I miss most. One of the things I miss most is talking to her on the phone after work. I work until 10 p.m. on Monday nights, and I always would call her on the way home, worn out -- but happy to hear her voice and tell her about my day, and hear about hers.

Today I cried at a 12-step meeting. I could barely get out my share. I said, "As long as I lead a secret life, I guess I deserve to be alone. Now I am learning not to lead a secret life, so that maybe I'll be able to have somebody some day."

Of course, the one I want is my lover, whom I betrayed. The chance of getting her back is almost nil. But I do hold out slim hope, against all odds. Love conquers all!

Hope

Church with my daughter! (day 25 of sobriety)

This morning my daughter went to church with me! She hasn't been to this church for more than three years, but she was welcomed so warmly. It was cool to see -- lots of hugs and smiles and "My, you've grown."

This was the first weekend that I insisted my daughter spend time with me -- a minimum four-hour block. I've been seeing her twice a week since I moved out of the family home last December, but mostly after school, and for just a couple hours. The reason? Because I was spending every weekend with my lover. Probably a selfish move on my part. But my daughter didn't mind -- she's very upset with me for the end of the marriage, and she doesn't want to spend much time with me.

For this weekend, I offered her several options, and she chose church and a couple hours after. I'm sure that was for her convenience. By going to church with me she was killing two birds with one stone, spending less parental time than if she had gone to her mother's church and then had to spend four hours with me on top of it. But I didn't care; it was so cool to have her in church.

Afterwards she came over to my apartment, which she had not seen before. She had seen the first apartment I moved into in the upstairs of this house I own, but I since have moved downstairs. She didn't comment much; the house she lives in that I moved out of is 3,000 square feet and beautiful. This apartment is about 900 square feet.

Still, I feel good that she has finally seen my place. It was wrong of me to put my lover first every weekend for the past 8 months. Now I have lots of weekend time for my daughter. Small consolation for losing what could have been the best relationship I ever had, if I hadn't cheated on my lover. Or maybe it's not such a small consolation. Maybe it's a big consolation. Maybe my daughter is at least as important as any lover!

A surrender prayer my pastor said in church this morning:

Break me
and put me
on the potter's wheel
and mold me
into what
I am supposed to be.

Hope

Lone glove

It's been a bittersweet day. I own a business with two locations and have had to cut back and consolidate to one. So today my best friend and I loaded a pickup truck and trailer and moved lots of stuff to three different places for storage.

The business location I closed was where my lover and I met for the second time. (The first had been at a restaurant.) It wasn't a date; we weren't lovers and didn't think we ever would be. But we engaged in some fetish behavior that was very intimate for both of us.

Over the next couple months, my lover became a customer of my business. One time she left her gloves there, but the employees could only find one, so never sent it to her. As I was cleaning up today, I found that glove with a sticky note identifying it as belonging to my lover. It's an expensive-looking leather glove; I don't really temember her wearing them but I'm sure she did when we were together last winter. Left hand, and she's righthanded, so what does that mean, to have her off-hand glove? It's so small -- reminded me how small my lover's hands are. I wonder if I will ever hold those hands again.

I smelled the glove, but it was just the smell of leather, not of her. I stuffed it in my pocket to keep it. I have very few things from our relationship -- some great pictures, but no objects. Now I have one. Maybe I'm a sentimental fool. But the glove means something to me.

Saturday morning meeting (day 24 of sobriety)

I mostly attend Sexaholics Anonymous 12-step meetings, and SA has the best handbook of any of the S-groups. At every meeting we read this:

"The sexaholic has taken himself or herself out of the whole context of what is right or wrong. He has lost control, no longer has the power of choice, and is not free to stop. Lust has become an addiction. Our situation is like that of the alcoholic who can no longer tolerate alcohol and must stop drinking altogether but is hooked and cannot stop."

So is this any solace to my lover, to know that what I did was beyond my power, beyond my ability to know right from wrong? Maybe it helps her a little to know that I was not just being a selfish jerk, that I was out of control. But the harm I did to her was the same. And I was lying the whole time, pretending that I was sober.

So now that I truly am sober, how would she ever know that's so, if she did decide to take me back? Tough question. There are all kinds of accountability safeguards that some couples use, and I'm OK with all of them. That creates some minimal work for her, and alters somewhat the nature of the relationship. She might not be willing to do that.

I don't know how to convince her of my new truth: If I ever again get the chance to gaze lovingly into those green eyes, I could never ever lie to them. I swear this before God and the 12-step program and everything I ever hope to be.

I used to love Friday night (day 23 of sobriety)

Friday has become the toughest evening for me, because that's when my lover and I would get together. I get off work at 4, and either she would be showing up soon at my place, or I would be hustling to pack and head the 100 miles to hers.

I loved standing on my porch and waiting for her red car to come around the corner and park in front of my house. She usually took her time getting out of the car, for whatever reason, but I would wait patiently and then meet her at the trunk, kiss and hug her, and carry her stuff inside.

This might seem unlikely for a sex addict to say, but it is not the Friday night love-making that I miss most. It's the companionship: just having her in my house, or me being in hers, chitchatting, sitting next to each other -- just being a loving couple. Why I threw that away for a couple of sex acts I will never understand. But I do understand this: NEVER AGAIN. Whether I am lucky enough to get her back, or lucky enough to eventually wind up with someone else: NEVER AGAIN.

This is the worst guilt, shame and regret I have ever felt. I wonder why this hurts more than the dissolution of my marriage. Maybe because my marriage hadn't worked for many years, when this relationship WAS working -- we definitely had a future, though we had not agreed on exactly what that was. That was part of the problem: In my selfishness, I was not satisfied being with her just on the weekends; I wanted her seven days a week. She was looking forward to that, but she was not quite ready, and I pushed when I shouldn't have. That didn't break us up, though; my infidelity did.

Now I would be elated to have her just on the weekends. Instead, I have her not at all. I am lonely for female companionship, but I am not interested in any other female companions. I just want her. And I am very very unlikely to ever have her.

So here I am, alone for the night at 4:30 p.m. My best friend works Friday nights; another friend is out of town. I could have called someone else, but didn't have the energy to keep trying. There are no 12-step meetings in my town Friday night, though I certainly can do a phone meeting. But basically I have nothing to do. When, if I had not allowed my addiction to overwhelm me, I'd be having fun with an incredible girl.

This is the price I pay, and it's a heavy cost, and maybe even heavier to her, since she's the betrayed party. So I must make sure: Never again. I truly believe my sex addiction is dead, though that's not something we're supposed to say in the program. But there are many sex addicts who stopped cold turkey and never relapsed. Some after many unsuccessful attempts (like me). So ... never again. No more victims, no more shame.

And if dreams ever come true, some day my lover and I will be together again on a Friday night.

Hope

Downtown (day 22 of sobriety)

I spent several hours downtown this afternoon; I don't go there much even though it's within walking distance.

First, I had a divorce settlement conference at the courthouse. I was really stressing about it, but nothing happened; my soon-to-be-ex wasn't even there. The attorneys chatted with the judge and set a third conference for next month. I hope to actually be divorced in November, six months after she filed. There is a six-month waiting period in my state if you have a minor child, and I have a teenager.

So I suffered a lot of anxiety for not much. Isn't that how future-tripping goes?

I decided to walk around instead of go home. There is this incredible art competition all over downtown, more than a thousand entries from all over the world. I saw some incredible stuff. But I kept thinking: My girlfriend and I were going to do this together -- and we could be doing so right now if I hadn't been such an idiot. She was going to move in with me, too. Now I'm walking around a big city by myself, and it hit hard how alone I am. Thanks, addict brain!

I got to see a number of the entries that made the Top 10. There's an art jury that selects those, then it's a public vote for the winner. The announcement will be later this week. The most incredible Top 10 entry is the image of a woman on a circle of sand. It looks like a faded photograph, right in the sand, full size. Actually, there are two of them, with the feet facing the middle. The artist sort of explained how he did it, but I didn't get it. But it was very powerful. The woman has a terminal illness, and the message is that life is fleeting -- like sand. I sure as heck know that love is fleeting, too.

Another Top 10 entry was an enormous mosaic of a woman lying on her side. It took 2500 hours to make. Very colorful.

The entry my addict liked best was of half a dozen women's slips hanging from clothes line. Each one had embroidery in it with a saying about a relationship: I'm not going anywhere; I'm not trying to hurt you; I know I can't live without you; so just marry me, then. Definitely ironic. There was a sign that said this is a "touch exhibit." You kind of had to spread out the slips to be able to read some of the sayings. So I touched a slip or two. Big deal. Is that middle circle behavior?

I'm doing paperwork, watching baseball and going to a 12-step meeting this evening. This is life without my lover.

Hope

Joy (day 21 of sobriety)

Today I experienced an unfamiliar feeling, which I had to think about for a moment to identify: Joy.

I started the day with a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting at 6:30 a.m., and I just finished another one at 10 p.m. Inbetween, I worked for several hours, met with my attorney regarding an upcoming hearing in my divorce, and drove 45 minutes each way to pick up a piece of office furniture. For most of the day, I was on the emotional rollercoaster that I've been riding since my lover broke up with me several weeks ago for cheating on her. I've been working the 12-step program hard but still have been feeling overwhelmed with guilt and shame. It hit especially hard as I left the attorney's office. It was a difficult meeting, and the hearing is going to be contentious. Anf I thought, "I want to talk with my girlfriend about this; she'll support me and it will be much easier to handle." That's exactly what she's done in the past. But because of my insane addictive behavior, I have no girlfriend to get support from.

Then this evening I went to church. After the breakup, I rejoined the church's Praise Team, which I had performed with several years ago. I was in such desperate need for fellowship, and they welcomed me back. So tonight I helped sing several gospel tunes. One is a real rocker with the line: "I just feel like something good is about to happen.... Something good is on its way." Of course, I haven't been feeling that way at all lately. But as I sang it, and saw the congregation responding, the joy just rushed through me. It was a shocking feeling. I savored it, let it roll around inside of me. I was singing with all my heart and furiously banging the tambourine, and by the end of the song I was drenched in sweat. My girlfriend used to go to church with me, though she is a nonbeliever, and she kept asking me if she was inhibiting my participation. I said no and I believe that is the truth. But it also is true that I had not let go like this in her presence.

When our performance was over, I went and sat down in preparation to hear the sermon. And this thought came to me: I don't NEED her, any more than I need my addiction. I still love her; I'd still like another chance with her, if she can see her way to forgiveness and trust. But I don't need her. What I do need is to know how to feel joy, despite what I have done.

Rigorous honesty (day 20 of sobriety)

The scariest part of the whole 12-step program is the first paragraph of How It Works. This opens chapter 5 of the AA Big Book, and has been adapted for many other fellowships. It states:

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty."

Now I definitely have had problems with rigorous honesty. I have gone years when I was rigorously honest with my wife; she knew I masturbated, and there was no other acting out behavior at all. But there have been other stretches when I was dishonest, including my latest relationship. Which I don't understand, because she was so accepting that I truly think I could have told her anything. And I pray for a chance to be rigorously honest with her.

I do NOT believe that some people are born dishonest, and I'm surprised that AA (and other 12-Step programs) would say that. Because that would be someone who is permanently, biologically flawed, and that's not what 12-step is about. 12-step talks about "character defects" on which one can work.

It is true that I have had difficulty giving myself completely to the program. I thought I had, but I must have held reservations, because I relapsed. What I have to do now is thoroughly follow the path. Which I have done for 21 days....

Acting "as if."

12-step talks a lot about acting "as if" -- that is, doing the next right thing even when every fiber may be fighting to act out. Act "as if" you're sober, and you'll be sober!

That also means it's OK to do the right things for the wrong reasons ... until I get my head around the right reasons. So I'm going to quit beating myself up about wanting to stay sober for the chance of reuniting with my lover. The key is that I'm sober, not what's motivating me. If she eventually turns me down, then hopefully by then I'll have been sober long enough to stay sober ... for the right reasons.

Yesterday I was really down, and I contacted her even though we had agreed that I wouldn't until my divorce is final sometime later this year. She chatted with me, even though it was obvious she didn't want to. She's such a woman of grace.

She said she couldn't say anything to help me feel better. She said she does not have hope for us. She said she doesn't know if she could ever trust me again. She said she doesn't know how she feels about me anymore. She said. "Getting back together would require some leap of faith on my part that I don't know if I can make." She said she doesn't want to think about us now, and she will revisit the situation when I am divorced.

This made my heart soar with hope! There still is a chance! If that chance helps keep me sober, that's OK!

So I agreed again not to contact her until I am divorced, and this time I need to stick to it. I may be totally crazy, but something inside me has faith that she will be able to make that leap of faith back to trust and love. I believe she's that incredible. And if not ... I'll have acted "as if"!

Looking for a breakthrough (day 19 of celibacy)

Told to me yesterday:

"You've been in this life cycle or situation long enough. You can accept change or resist change, but it's time for a change! Aren't you sick and tired of feeling sick and tired? You've got to break that cycle, quite going around with the same old problem, day after day, month after month, year after year. You've been in this place long enough. Haven't you had enough of fear, of discouragement, of disappointment, of rejection, of shame?

"A new thing is ready to happen in your life. But a condition of receiving the new is to let go of the old. The greatest hindrance of breakthrough is memory; we have a tendency to drag the past into the future. To get the new you have to separate yourself from the old -- mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. You're standing on the dividing line between yes and no, between weeping and rejoicing, between struggling and stressing on the one hand, and resting and blessing on the other.

"You sit on the sidelines and say, 'I'm without.' Well, get that mentality out of your mind. It's up to you to activate your faith. If we only gave God half the time we spend thinking about doubt. Every time doubt is in your mind, read the Promises. Say, 'I'm going to get my breakthrough. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life talking about what I missed. I'm not going to let fear and doubt into my mind. It's time to move, time to pay the price. I'm not comfortable here any more.'"


.......... This easily could have been my sponsor. But it was my minister, who knows virtually nothing about 12-step. What a great sermon!

Sobering thoughts (Day 18 of celibacy)

I'm feeling down (but I'm sober)
Definitey depressed (but sober)
Sad, almost tearful (but sober)
Overwhelmed with guilt (but sober)
Ashamed (but sober)
Wishing, more than anything, that I could undo what I did to you (but sober)
Or rather, that I had never done it in the first place (and had stayed sober)
I feel a deep deep loneliness without you (but sober)
I wish I knew what you were thinking (I'm sober)
Or even if you are still thinking about us at all (still sober)
I pray that there may still be a chance for us (with me sober)
And if not, that I will still remain ... sober.

A book

I got a book in the mail Friday that a 12-step buddy suggested: "The Voice of the Heart." I've just read a few pages, but I definitely see myself therein. Chapter 1 starts with this New Testament quote from Paul:

"I do not understand what I do.
For what I want to do I do not do.
But what I hate I do."


That is the best description ever of addiction. But I know, my lover, that it is not much of an explanation.

I miss you so. Is there any chance for us? Can you give me even a little sign?

Hope

Praise (day 17 of sobriety)

I spent the last 24 hours with a group from my church. We drove to another community and attended a service, and our praise team performed. I had been on the praise team years ago, and joined again after the breakup with my lover three weeks ago. I knew that I needed spiritual assistance, and singing is one of the ways I can tap into my spirituality.

For me, being at church is as good as a 12-step meeting. Both are all about surrender, admitting that I cannot live a good life without help from my higher power. My pastor is not a 12-stepper, but his sermons dovetail perfectly.

It was moving to perform, it was moving to hear the other praise team perform, and the sermon was moving. Most of all, though, was the friendship and community shown me by the church. I had never gone on a trip with them before, and they accepted me absolutely. Of course, four big guys in one hotel room leads to quick acceptance!

Despite all the joy and praise and acceptance, I had to fight some sadness. I would have invited my lover to come to this event, and we drove right past her town on our way there. She is not a Christian, and had been going to church with me mostly as a courtesy, though she expressed a lot of curiosity, and we even read the Bible together for a couple weeks and had deep and fascinating discussions. But it was an area of some conflict between us, though it was my infidelity that led to the breakup. But today I realized that if I ever find another partner, I want her to be a Christian. But if I ever were able to reunite with my lover, I would accept being with a non-Christian. Because I knew that going into the relationship, and I know she and I could make it work.

I have never before considered religion in selecting a partner. Of course I haven't had very many partners, having been in a marriage of more than 30 years which I also destroyed due to infidelity. Some Christian I am, huh?

So ... it felt a little odd to realize this today, that if my lover will not have me back and I start dating, that I will only date Christian women.

But once again I'm getting ahead of myself. I have made a commitment to celibacy and no dating until my divorce is final later this year. And between now and then, my focus needs to be on sobriety, not future-tripping about women. I didn't get a chance to do a meeting yesterday because of work and travel, and I missed my regular Saturday morning meeting today. So I'm going to do a telephone meeting in a half hour. I need it. Church was great but I need 12-step!

Temptation returns (day 16 of sobriety)

WARNING: This entry gets a little bit graphic. I truly apologize if anyone is triggered.


This seems to be the time of day for me now. I've always been an early riser, but 3 or 4 is ridiculous. Yet I haven't been able to fall back asleep these last two weeks, and this usually is a productive time....

Well, I knew this lack of lust would not stay with me long. I was very tempted yesterday to act out. I almost did. It wasn't desire that tempted me; it was emotional pain. I feel so guilty, so ashamed, so remorseful, so depressed, so SAD ... that I feel like I can't stand it. That I have to do something to STOP it. And the endorphins of orgasm are my drug of choice, of course. I really really wanted to masturbate, to feel better, even for a few moments. And the conversation in my head, usually two voices, this time had three:

Needy me: If you do that, you'll never get her back! You have to prove to her that you are serious about sobriety.

Recovery me: A woman is not the reason to stay sober, not the motivation to get sober. You need to do this for YOU.

Addict me: What's wrong with feeling better for a moment? This hurts too much!

These three voices were banging around in my head, and I thought: Well, let's rank the arguments. And here was the rank I had in that moment:

1. I am in unbearable pain
2. I miss my ex-lover so much.
3. I need to get healthy.

So I put my hand on myself. And God intervened. No erection. Not even a hint of one. Then came the three voices:

Needy me: Maybe you're older than you thought. Maybe you've gone impotent. She'll never take you back now.

Addict me: You can do it! You better prove you still can do it! You deserve to feel better!

Recovery me: God has stilled your blood flow to that member.

So ... I stopped.

But then ... it occurred to me that a few moments of touching could be considered a violation of sobriety. After all, technically I WAS masturbating. And part of my commitment to myself is to not "run for comfort," whether it's orgasm or ice cream. Yet I've had ice cream in the last 15 days. So is that a violation of my sobriety? LOL

I realized that I needed to better define this for myself. I actually looked up a few words in the dictionary: celibacy, chastity, abstinence. All referred to not engaging in sexual intercourse. Bill Clinton's definition! "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." Then he could claim that he did not purjer himself because he did not have sexual INTERCOURSE. And that's the mind-bending definition a lot of people use today. (Thanks, Bill!) Which certainly allows for a lot of sexual activity, both with another and with oneself!

But Bill Clinton's definition is ridiculous. NO ORGASMS: That's my definition. No orgasms until I'm divorced, whenever that is. There's a preliminary court hearing soon, and I have a sneaky suspicion I'm going to be blind-sided.

Stay on the issue! No orgasms, that's for sure. But what about intentional touching for pleasure, for COMFORT???????!!!!! So I better redefine my commitment more specifically: NO INTENTIONAL ERECTIONS. OK, that's good. But what about intentional touching that stops when the erection begins?

WAIT! This is my addict at work. Trying to muddy the waters. Bringing up technicalities, loopholes, reservations. I learned in inpatient treatment how to recognize when I am running from my feelings, and I acquired tools to STOP IT. As quickly as possible. GET YOUR HAND AWAY FROM THERE!!! LOL But I'm not resetting sobriety for that. Whew. Glad I've got that settled. Because there's another major issue:

My fetish. My fetish is physical punishment, both administering and receiving. It's my fetish for varied and complicated reasons which I am not going to explore this morning. But my reason to receive it is to release emotional pain, to turn it into physical pain, which for me (and many others) is easier to deal with than emotional pain.

I deeply feel that need now. This constant ache in the pit of my stomach, this constant low-grade headache, this constant nerve-tingling anxiety -- are all PHYSICAL feelings that are extremely uncomfortable. So why not turn it into one big explosion of physical pain and get rid of it?

Needy me: I need to be punished for what I've done.

Addict me: You'll feel better afterwards.

Recovery me: You have to fully FEEL your feelings in order to deal with them.

So I spent the day yesterday filled with two seemingly conflicting desires: I wanted pleasure, and I wanted pain.

With God's help, I will turn away from both these artifical and momentary comforts. True comfort does not come in a moment. In fact, the path to true comfort has 12 steps.

Poem (day 15 of sobriety)

In the death of the night, in the day’s wee small
I feel her presence, hear her call:

“You laid waste to my love, rampaged my trust
Turned them to ashes and to dust.

"Deny not this rebuke, tell me not your lies
That’s what you’ve done all your life.”

Then her voice drifts away, but the words dwell on
I feel the charge of what I’ve done:

I cannot recompense, I don’t have what’s gone
I can stop taking … from woman

Hope

The things I'll miss

This might be a form of self-torture, but I just felt like writing a list of the things I'll miss most about my ex-girlfriend. They are in no particular order except I'm keeping the last one last. I may keep adding to this as the thoughts come:

Her skill at board games
Her cooking
Her calmness when traveling
Her smile
Her hair
Her love of dancing, and the way she dances
Her desire to cuddle
Her love for my dog
Her skill at love-making
Her saying to me, "What's up, pup?"
Her intelligence
Her reading to me
Her sharing of my fetish
Her support as I go through my divorce
Her politeness
Her grace
Her acceptance of my friends
Her concern for others
Her passion about just about everything, from politics to vacuum cleaners.
And maybe most of all: Her gorgeous prominent cheekbones!

Great shares (day 14 of sobriety)

Here are some things I have heard in 12-step meetings lately:

From a guy with more than two years of sobriety:

"The guy who wants to act out? That's not me. That's the addict inside of me. He used to be big but now he's not so big. He used to be strong but now he's not so strong."


My sponsor on "Building Partnerships":

"First learn how to formulate relationships with men in the rooms. Go to THEM for love, comfort, support, hugs. I'm never alone if I have God in one hand and the fellowship in the other."


My sponsor to those who feel like they need a partner to feel complete:

"In relationships, two halves don't make a whole. Two wholes make a whole. Two halves will never work. A woman does not complete me."

Hope

A new beginning (day 13 of sobriety)

Well, a lot has happened in the last couple days. The upshot is no more contact with my ex-lover until my divorce is final. And while I know I will miss even texting with her, this is best for the mental health of us both. And surprisingly, I feel a sense of relief. It's over, it's truly over after two weeks of me fighting against that. I'm not even going to think about the off-chance of us getting back together. And I can take all the time I have focused on her -- both before our breakup and after -- and put it toward the program, toward sobriety.

On Sunday night, a text conversation with her ended badly, with her crying hysterically on the phone. I had left her a voice mail -- a mistake, since she had asked me not to call. But texting is so frustrating for me; I have a number pad and fat thumbs; she has a keyboard and little thumbs. I could not keep up with her. I'd be trying to respond to one text and she would send me three more! Of course, I now realize she probably didn't need any response from me; she needed to express her anger and sense of betrayal. But in my frustration I called; she did not answer; I left a voice mail asking if we could communicate another way -- like chat.

Five minutes after the text conversation ended, she called in hysterics. She was crying so hard that I couldn't understand anything other than that she had listened to my voice mail and wished that she hadn't, that she had just deleted it. She got off the phone; I was stunned. What had I said? I couldn't even fully remember. But I was terribly worried about her, and sent her an email suggesting ways she could get help.

She emailed back yesterday saying she felt much better, and that just hearing my voice had set her off. We emailed back and forth and agreed that we should stop communicating until I am divorced -- except for her sharing the results of her STD tests, which she was scheduled to get yesterday.

Yes, she feared I had given her an STD through my cheating. For some reason, I am confident that I do not have an STD, but that might just be my addict talking.

So all day yesterday I worried about the results. If she were HIV positive, I would hate myself forever. I wasn't even thinking about what that would mean for me!

I went to a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting at noon yesterday, and just broke down during my share, expressing my fear that I may have damaged her physically as well as emotionally. I told the group I didn't think I could handle that. They shared phone numbers and urged me to call if I got bad news. When 5 p.m. passed, I figured I would have to wait another day to find out.

I was busy and didn't see it until after 9, but at 6:01 p.m. she sent the last text I will probably ever get from her: "All tests were negative." I guess that's about the best news one could receive in a final text.

I wish her healing. I wish her Godspeed.

I believe I can stop worrying about her. She's a strong lady; eventually she'll get over what I did to her.

We did agree that when my divorce is final, I will contact her. For what? Who knows. I can't be worrying about that either. It's all about sobriety and managing my day-to-day life. And learning to live without a romantic relationship. Maybe, if I'm lucky, even enjoying it occasionally.

Hope

A bible passage

I don't think I'm going to bring up much religion here, because I know addicts are from all faiths and also atheists and agnostics. (My ex-lover is an agnostic.) But I subscribe to a daily devotional called The Upper Room, and here is the verse sent for today, with no comment necessary other than "amen":

"Anyone united to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. Shun fornication! Every sin that a person commits is outside the body; but the fornicator sins against the body itself. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, which you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you were bought with a price; therefore glorify God in your body."
-1 Corinthians 6:17-20 (NRSV)

Forgiveness (day 11 of sobriety)

Besides losing love and romance and companionship and sex when I cheated on my girlfriend, I also lost a partner who is extremely intelligent and analytical. She proved it again last night.

We've been texting just a little bit late at night. She doesn't want to talk with me on the phone or see me, but the texting has been OK. Last night I committed myself to not bring up our relationship, because I truly do not want to upset her. We chatted about this blog and how to get more readers, and I was just signing off when she sent me a message about forgiveness.

Well, my heart soared that she even felt ready to talk about such a thing. I misread the message, thinking that she was commenting that we all need to forgive ourselves for the bad things we do, and I responded that I felt too ashamed with myself to do that right now. But she responded:

"I mean that forgiving others is a gift you give to yourself because it releases you from anger."

I don't know if that's her line or someone else's (I'll have to ask her), but I find it extremely profound. I know how angry she is with me for the lies I told and the things I did. And I know how anger -- which for me takes the form of resentment -- can eat someone alive from the inside out. I texted back and asked if she were working on forgiveness, and she replied:

"I am working on it. But not for you or us, but for me. I have to think only about what is best and healthy for me."

Another profound statement, and one my readers know that I have been struggling with: to focus on my sobriety, on me getting better, and not on the lost relationship or the unlikely possibility of reunification.

I sat with the phone in my hand, realizing once again how smart this lady is. I fought against turning that thought into, "Look what you threw away, you effing idiot!" And instead focus on her words: "I have to think only what is best and healthy for me." They say that a lot in the 12-step program, but often with a negative spin: That people in recovery have to be "selfish" in a way. They mean addicts have to put recovery first, even before family. A lot of times a marriage falls apart once the addict is in recovery, when one would think it would get better. That's not just because the addict is focusing on recovery above family, but because the marriage dynamic was unhealthy, creating codependence that contributed to the addiction. That was true for me, and my wife and I separated a year after I completed inpatient treatment. But it's certainly ironic that the addict -- who has been incredibly selfish while acting out -- also has to be "selfish" in recovery! Of course it's not the same thing. It's not truly being selfish to concentrate on one's health, and I don't mean to imply that my lover is being selfish in any way. She's a woman of Grace, and I treasure each time she is willing to communicate with me.

I was just thinking that forgiveness would be wonderful for ME, even if she did it for herself, when she texted:

"It would release anger but it doesn't take away hurt or distrust."

I felt a pain in my gut. I had been thinking about the words "I forgive you" more globally: That it releases all those bad feelings, and allows the possibility of a new beginning. But that is not what she is saying: She could forgive me, but still not trust me. She could forgive me, and still feel deeply wounded by me. And an untrusting wounded woman is not going to be ready to even consider reunification.

Once again I had been jumping to conclusions, putting my definition in someone else's mouth, and thinking that someone meant more than they did. I know better than that. I know I need to ask people for definitions of the "big words" like "love" and "forgiveness." But I often don't, and assume my own definition instead.

Yet I forced myself back to the basic truth of what she said: She is working on forgiving me. Yes, she's doing it for herself, as she and I know she must. But it also would be a blessing to an addict in recovery.

Hope

No desire

For the 10 days of my sobriety, I have had absolutely no desire for orgasm. Even in my fantasies of reuniting with my girlfriend, we are holding each other and love-talking, not making love. I truly believe I am going to maintain this celibacy for the next couple months, and keep working the 12-step program HARD (no pun intended). And only good can come from that...

Hope

Art and miracles

Today a (male) friend and I walked around a huge art exhibit that is in our town for a couple weeks. It was an exhibit I was going to take my lover to. I saw a lot of fascinating sculptures and paintings, but I had to keep fighting this insistent voice that was whispering to me, "She could have been here, she could have been here, she could have been here." I went to a 12-step meeting this morning and I'll probably do a phone meeting tonight, but I just feel overwhelmed with guilt, shame and loneliness.

We went looking for one particular sculpture because the Romanian sculptor is a friend of the guy I was with. The sculpture is 10 huge gold-colored obelisks in a circle, sort of a Stonehenge feel. I'll try to get a picture of it to add here. From the outside, the obelisks have a very sharp edge facing out. But when you step inside the circle, the inside of the obelisks is rounded, with a bump at the bottom that you actually can sit on. And from the inside you notice that the obelisks curl inward at the top, and that each obelisk has several sections. I realized that they are fingers! The 10 fingers of God! It felt very safe in there, like we were being held in God's hands. And a lot of other people felt that, too; I could hear them talking and see it on their faces.

Then my friend went to introduce himself to the artist, Liviu Mocan, and they spoke about their mutual friend. The sculptor then asked if we wanted an explanation of the work, which is titled Invitation/Decalogue and has been on tour around the world.

Sure enough, he said, it is the 10 fingers of God, holding us in his love. But the obelisks also are the Ten Commandments, and the sharp edges are the swords of God's judgment. The spaces between the obelisks represent our choices: We can walk inside God's love, but we also can walk away from it into judgment.

"God doesn't just love us," Mocan said. "He punishes us when we don't follow his laws."

The sculptor was making eye contact with me as he said this. I felt so convicted. I have broken God's laws repeatedly, and I certainly feel like I am being punished.

But truthfully, I don't really believe in a vengeful God. Instead, I believe I am suffering the consequences of my actions. It's not punishment, it's the result of my acting out. And in a way it is exactly what I deserve. But in another way I don't deserve it, because I have a disease. One thing I know for sure: My lover doesn't deserve the pain she is feeling now. And that pain is because of me.

I felt sick to my stomach. I thought maybe I was going to throw up, from guilt and grief.

The last two days I have felt worse, rather than better. I think it's because the reality is sinking in. Yesterday through my tears I realized that this is the worst I have felt since a foster daughter who had lived with us for a year and a half was basically ripped out of the arms of me and my ex-wife and adopted by someone else. I loved my foster daughter so much, and I thought I'd never see her again. I wanted to die. I actually considered it. But I hung on. I started going to church, and eventually "got saved." Whether you believe in that or not, I guarantee you that the experience is powerful and healing. And lo and behold, a miracle happened. The adoption failed, and we got her back! And adopted her! Praise God.

So there is something to hang onto. I've been blessed with one miracle, maybe I can be blessed with another. Maybe I'll establish long-term sobriety -- no, lifelong sobriety, like Bill W of AA was able to do. Maybe my lover will see her way to forgive me, and we'll get back together. Is it too selfish of me to want a second miracle? Probably. But I am in control of half of that miracle: lifelong sobriety. With God's help, I can make that miracle happen. Her forgiveness? That's totally out of my control. Her forgiveness is up to her and her higher power as she has come to understand it.

So I have to do my part. "Keep your own side of the street clean," they say in 12-step, "and good things will happen." Part of what I have to do is work the program as hard as I can. Another thing I have to do is be patient. Wait. Waiting worked before -- I got my daughter back. What a tragedy it would have been if I had committed suicide and then the adoption had failed and she wouldn't have had me to come back to! I would have ruined the miracle.

So as bad as I feel right now, I have to work and wait. Work the program, and wait to see how the future turns out with my lover. (Or without her.). Get sober, be sober, stay sober. That's my half of the miracle.

Hope

Sleep (day 10 of sobriety)

I've been sleeping poorly, 3-5 hours a night. Then exhausted all day, but can't take a nap. Guilty conscience, I guess. But the last two nights I did get in bed, where my lover and I slept together, instead of curling up in my late father's Lazy Boy. I wrote a few days ago that it would be a milestone in my grief recovery when I could actually get into the bed that she and I shared. Well, I have done that ... and it doesn't feel like a milestone at all.

Last night I did a telephone meeting. It was an SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) Step Study, so we read the 9th step (being the 9th month). I'm on step 4, but steps 8-9 have similarities to 4-5 -- you make lists and share them. The part I read out loud from the book included this passage (page 51): "Our apologies will be seen as sincere only when it becomes evident that we now live differently."

So I've been living differently for 10 days. Why hasn't she accepted my apology? When put that way, it seems truly ridiculous, doesn't it? Even my thinking in sobriety is sometimes ridiculous, but not insane like it is while I'm acting out. But I have always been bad with patience. I've wound up with some bad consequences because I pushed the issue and was not willing to wait for a decision from someone else. That's part of my control issue; I don't like someone else having control over me, so I push for a decision even though I know I can get a better outcome by waiting. This goes back to family of origin issues, when I had no control over my life and experienced severe emotional abuse.

This time I am going to wait at least until my divorce is final. Yes, readers, I am pining over a lost love while I am still married to someone else. I'm a sex addict, remember? My commitment is to celibacy and no dating until the divorce is final, which will be sometime in November or December. I hope my girlfriend will still be single then, and will see me. Just a cup of coffee or something. Just to lay eyes on her again.

Even that's somewhat of an impatient attitude, probably. But that's about the maturity level of my patience, and that's a huge jump from what it once was.

The next sentence I read in the SA book says: "Often it takes longer for the people hurt by our behavior to trust us again than it takes for us to make significant progress in our recovery."

Yikes! More patience needed!

I really don't like the next sentence: "In some cases, trust may never be restored."

That gives me a pain in the pit of my stomach. But I have to keep reminding myself: This is not about getting her back; this is about changing my life.

Speaking of changing my life: I haven't told a lie in several weeks (since well before the breakup). It feels really good. Of course I could be lying about not lying. But I'm not. But I can't prove I'm not. People have to trust that I'm telling the truth. And there lies the rub; I've broken their trust, so why should they believe me this time? Only by grace. Maybe it will help them feel grace toward me when they see me working the program so hard. I can hope for that. But there is no cause and effect for grace. That's what grace is: forgiveness bestowed even though it is undeserved. That's asking a lot. God does it, but it's a lot harder for humans. Yet my lover is a woman of grace; I've seen that throughout our relationship.

So ... work the program. Be patient. Focus on sobriety, not her. And whatever her answer, whenever she is ready to give it, I must make sure it has no effect on my sobriety. That's the key. If the answer is no, feel the pain ... and stay sober. If the answer is yes, feel the joy ... and stay sober. If the answer is "I don't know yet," feel the confusion ... and stay sober.

Hey, I think there might be a pattern here!

Hope

A conversation with myself

Remorseful me: It's Friday evening, and I should be driving to her house right now to spend the weekend with her.

Recovery me: But you can't.

Remorseful me: This seems like a bad dream.

Recovery me: But it's reality.

Remorseful me: How could I have done those things to her?

Recovery me: You have a disease.

Remorseful me: But it makes no sense! I cheated on a woman who was giving me great sex!

Recovery me: Unfortunately, there is no logic to addiction. When in active addiction, we do things we don't really want to do. We are powerless.

Remorseful me: I didn't even enjoy it!

Recovery me: Well, that's good news.

Remorseful me: It doesn't feel like it. I destroyed a relationship for no reason, doing something that I didn't enjoy.

Recovery me: Sounds crazy, doesn't it?

Remorseful me: It IS crazy.

Recovery me: This disease is cunning, baffling, powerful and patient.

Remorseful me: I feel so bad. I just want to go back in time and fix this.

Recovery me: But you can't.

Remorseful me: Can't she just forgive me?

Recovery me: She can't forgive you right now. She's too hurt.

Remorseful me: But I've learned my lesson. I swear it!

Recovery me: That may be so. But you also need time to work the program.

Remorseful me: I want her back right now.

Recovery me: You can't have that.

Remorseful me: I'm so lonely.

Recovery me: Yes.

Remorseful me: I can't stand it.

Recovery me: Actually you can. Sit with that feeling. Allow yourself to feel it.

Remorseful me: But it hurts!

Recovery me: Yes.

Remorseful me: It hurts too much! I need it to go away.

Recovery me: That's how you got here. By running from your feelings.

Remorseful me: Who wants to feel this pain?

Recovery me: Nobody. But it's there, and it's real, and hiding from it or masking it with your addiction does not make it go away. It remains. Maybe even gets worse.

Remorseful me: I can't feel any worse than this.

Recovery me: Then that's good. It means you've hit bottom. You're finally ready to surrender, to quit believing that you can manage this addiction.

Remorseful me: I just want her back; I'd do anything to get her back.

Recovery me: But there is nothing you can do. You have to let go.

Remorseful me: I don't want to! We loved each other! We had a future together!

Recovery me: Yes. But now you are here. Now. Without her. And you are sober.

Remorseful me: And in incredible pain.

Recovery me: And sober.

Remorseful me: And all alone.

Recovery me: And sober.

Remorseful me: So that's all there is? Sobriety?

Recovery me: That's the beginning.

Remorseful me: But I need more than that. I need love!

Recovery me: You need love in recovery. And when you find that, it will be so much more than love in addiction.

Remorseful me: I'll never find anyone as good as her.

Recovery me: What you will find is that when you are truly sober, you can love more, and allow yourself to be loved more.

Remorseful me: I just hurt so bad. I just want someone to hold me. I just want her to hold me.

Recovery me: You can't have her hold you, but you can have someone.

Remorseful me: Who?

Recovery me: Someone in the program. Make a phone call.

Remorseful me: That's all guys. I want to be held by a woman.

Recovery me: That's probably not advisable right now. You have trouble distinguishing between affection and sex.

Remorseful me: So a guy's going to hold me and let me cry in his arms?

Recovery me: There are guys in the program who love you, who would do that.

Remorseful me: It's just not the same.

Recovery me: No, it's not. There's no sexual component.

Remorseful me: If I could just tell her how sorry I am, how much I love her.

Recovery me: Actually, you've done that. It didn't get her back.

Remorseful me: What will?

Recovery me: Nothing.

Remorseful me: I don't want to hear that.

Recovery me: Then you don't want to hear the truth.

Remorseful me: There's no chance for us ever getting back together?

Recovery me: Nobody can say that. None of us knows the future.

Remorseful me: So maybe there is a chance?

Recovery me: Who knows? Are you going to live your life on the off-chance that she forgives you, or are you going to do what you need to do in the here and now.

Remorseful me: I hate the here and now. It sucks. It hurts.

Recovery me: And yet you are sober, and working the program, going to meetings, making phone calls, getting into therapy, reading the literature, working the steps, praying.

Remorseful me: It's not that those things make me feel any better. I just don't know what else to do.

Recovery me: Exactly. So do what you know how to do. Work the program. And in time you will feel better.

Remorseful me: How do you know that?

Recovery me: Because others have come before you. And they do feel better.

Remorseful me: Even without their lovers?

Recovery me: On their own. Even without their lovers.

Remorseful me: I wish I could feel better quicker. I need to feel better NOW.

Recovery me: It doesn't work that way. It takes time as well as work.

Remorseful me: How much time?

Recovery me: It's different for each person. No one can say.

Remorseful me: So I have to keep feeling bad for some undetermined period of time?

Recovery me: Yes. Feel your feelings. Work the program.

Remorseful me: That's it?

Recovery me: Uh huh.

Remorseful me: No magic cure?

Recovery me: No.

Remorseful me: You haven't made me feel any better.

Recovery me: But I've told you the truth.

Remorseful me: Small consolation.

Recovery me: Large consolation. Finally, finally, you are being honest with yourself. And with everyone else.

Remorseful me: But I don't feel any better!

Recovery me: But you are getting better. No more secret life.

Remorseful me: No more secret life. I am so sick of living that way.

Recovery me: You're sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

Remorseful me: Yes. I just don't understand why it has taken me so long to learn this. Why I had to make the same mistakes over and over again. Why I had to hurt people whom I love.

Recovery me: It's one horrible disease.

Remorseful me: I feel so ashamed.

Recovery me: I know. And yet you are sober.

Remorseful me: You keep saying that.

Recovery me: Because it's true. And so important. You are in as much pain as you have ever been in, and yet you are not running for the comfort of sex addiction, like you used to.

Remorseful me: As bad as I feel, I'm surprised I haven't acted out.

Recovery me: It's not happenstance that you haven't.

Remorseful me: No?

Recovery me: It's a sign, my friend. A sign that you are ready. That you have surrendered. That you are on the road to recovery.

Remorseful me: I just wish it felt better than this.

Recovery me: I know. Come here. Let me give you a hug.

Remorseful me: You?

Recovery me: Yes, me. Me. The me you have always wanted to be. The me you can be. The "real" you.

Remorseful me: You are the real me?

Recovery me: Yes.

Remorseful me: Thanks for the hug.

Recovery me: You're welcome. You are always always welcome.

Remorseful me: And I will start to feel better, sooner or later?

Recovery me: Yes. You are already getting better, and soon you will start feeling better.

Remorseful me: I'm going to hold you to that.

Recovery me: Fine. Now, my friend ... let's go to a meeting.

Remorseful me: That I can do. Even in all this pain, that I can do.