Sleep (day 10 of sobriety)

I've been sleeping poorly, 3-5 hours a night. Then exhausted all day, but can't take a nap. Guilty conscience, I guess. But the last two nights I did get in bed, where my lover and I slept together, instead of curling up in my late father's Lazy Boy. I wrote a few days ago that it would be a milestone in my grief recovery when I could actually get into the bed that she and I shared. Well, I have done that ... and it doesn't feel like a milestone at all.

Last night I did a telephone meeting. It was an SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) Step Study, so we read the 9th step (being the 9th month). I'm on step 4, but steps 8-9 have similarities to 4-5 -- you make lists and share them. The part I read out loud from the book included this passage (page 51): "Our apologies will be seen as sincere only when it becomes evident that we now live differently."

So I've been living differently for 10 days. Why hasn't she accepted my apology? When put that way, it seems truly ridiculous, doesn't it? Even my thinking in sobriety is sometimes ridiculous, but not insane like it is while I'm acting out. But I have always been bad with patience. I've wound up with some bad consequences because I pushed the issue and was not willing to wait for a decision from someone else. That's part of my control issue; I don't like someone else having control over me, so I push for a decision even though I know I can get a better outcome by waiting. This goes back to family of origin issues, when I had no control over my life and experienced severe emotional abuse.

This time I am going to wait at least until my divorce is final. Yes, readers, I am pining over a lost love while I am still married to someone else. I'm a sex addict, remember? My commitment is to celibacy and no dating until the divorce is final, which will be sometime in November or December. I hope my girlfriend will still be single then, and will see me. Just a cup of coffee or something. Just to lay eyes on her again.

Even that's somewhat of an impatient attitude, probably. But that's about the maturity level of my patience, and that's a huge jump from what it once was.

The next sentence I read in the SA book says: "Often it takes longer for the people hurt by our behavior to trust us again than it takes for us to make significant progress in our recovery."

Yikes! More patience needed!

I really don't like the next sentence: "In some cases, trust may never be restored."

That gives me a pain in the pit of my stomach. But I have to keep reminding myself: This is not about getting her back; this is about changing my life.

Speaking of changing my life: I haven't told a lie in several weeks (since well before the breakup). It feels really good. Of course I could be lying about not lying. But I'm not. But I can't prove I'm not. People have to trust that I'm telling the truth. And there lies the rub; I've broken their trust, so why should they believe me this time? Only by grace. Maybe it will help them feel grace toward me when they see me working the program so hard. I can hope for that. But there is no cause and effect for grace. That's what grace is: forgiveness bestowed even though it is undeserved. That's asking a lot. God does it, but it's a lot harder for humans. Yet my lover is a woman of grace; I've seen that throughout our relationship.

So ... work the program. Be patient. Focus on sobriety, not her. And whatever her answer, whenever she is ready to give it, I must make sure it has no effect on my sobriety. That's the key. If the answer is no, feel the pain ... and stay sober. If the answer is yes, feel the joy ... and stay sober. If the answer is "I don't know yet," feel the confusion ... and stay sober.

Hey, I think there might be a pattern here!

Hope