A conversation with myself

Remorseful me: It's Friday evening, and I should be driving to her house right now to spend the weekend with her.

Recovery me: But you can't.

Remorseful me: This seems like a bad dream.

Recovery me: But it's reality.

Remorseful me: How could I have done those things to her?

Recovery me: You have a disease.

Remorseful me: But it makes no sense! I cheated on a woman who was giving me great sex!

Recovery me: Unfortunately, there is no logic to addiction. When in active addiction, we do things we don't really want to do. We are powerless.

Remorseful me: I didn't even enjoy it!

Recovery me: Well, that's good news.

Remorseful me: It doesn't feel like it. I destroyed a relationship for no reason, doing something that I didn't enjoy.

Recovery me: Sounds crazy, doesn't it?

Remorseful me: It IS crazy.

Recovery me: This disease is cunning, baffling, powerful and patient.

Remorseful me: I feel so bad. I just want to go back in time and fix this.

Recovery me: But you can't.

Remorseful me: Can't she just forgive me?

Recovery me: She can't forgive you right now. She's too hurt.

Remorseful me: But I've learned my lesson. I swear it!

Recovery me: That may be so. But you also need time to work the program.

Remorseful me: I want her back right now.

Recovery me: You can't have that.

Remorseful me: I'm so lonely.

Recovery me: Yes.

Remorseful me: I can't stand it.

Recovery me: Actually you can. Sit with that feeling. Allow yourself to feel it.

Remorseful me: But it hurts!

Recovery me: Yes.

Remorseful me: It hurts too much! I need it to go away.

Recovery me: That's how you got here. By running from your feelings.

Remorseful me: Who wants to feel this pain?

Recovery me: Nobody. But it's there, and it's real, and hiding from it or masking it with your addiction does not make it go away. It remains. Maybe even gets worse.

Remorseful me: I can't feel any worse than this.

Recovery me: Then that's good. It means you've hit bottom. You're finally ready to surrender, to quit believing that you can manage this addiction.

Remorseful me: I just want her back; I'd do anything to get her back.

Recovery me: But there is nothing you can do. You have to let go.

Remorseful me: I don't want to! We loved each other! We had a future together!

Recovery me: Yes. But now you are here. Now. Without her. And you are sober.

Remorseful me: And in incredible pain.

Recovery me: And sober.

Remorseful me: And all alone.

Recovery me: And sober.

Remorseful me: So that's all there is? Sobriety?

Recovery me: That's the beginning.

Remorseful me: But I need more than that. I need love!

Recovery me: You need love in recovery. And when you find that, it will be so much more than love in addiction.

Remorseful me: I'll never find anyone as good as her.

Recovery me: What you will find is that when you are truly sober, you can love more, and allow yourself to be loved more.

Remorseful me: I just hurt so bad. I just want someone to hold me. I just want her to hold me.

Recovery me: You can't have her hold you, but you can have someone.

Remorseful me: Who?

Recovery me: Someone in the program. Make a phone call.

Remorseful me: That's all guys. I want to be held by a woman.

Recovery me: That's probably not advisable right now. You have trouble distinguishing between affection and sex.

Remorseful me: So a guy's going to hold me and let me cry in his arms?

Recovery me: There are guys in the program who love you, who would do that.

Remorseful me: It's just not the same.

Recovery me: No, it's not. There's no sexual component.

Remorseful me: If I could just tell her how sorry I am, how much I love her.

Recovery me: Actually, you've done that. It didn't get her back.

Remorseful me: What will?

Recovery me: Nothing.

Remorseful me: I don't want to hear that.

Recovery me: Then you don't want to hear the truth.

Remorseful me: There's no chance for us ever getting back together?

Recovery me: Nobody can say that. None of us knows the future.

Remorseful me: So maybe there is a chance?

Recovery me: Who knows? Are you going to live your life on the off-chance that she forgives you, or are you going to do what you need to do in the here and now.

Remorseful me: I hate the here and now. It sucks. It hurts.

Recovery me: And yet you are sober, and working the program, going to meetings, making phone calls, getting into therapy, reading the literature, working the steps, praying.

Remorseful me: It's not that those things make me feel any better. I just don't know what else to do.

Recovery me: Exactly. So do what you know how to do. Work the program. And in time you will feel better.

Remorseful me: How do you know that?

Recovery me: Because others have come before you. And they do feel better.

Remorseful me: Even without their lovers?

Recovery me: On their own. Even without their lovers.

Remorseful me: I wish I could feel better quicker. I need to feel better NOW.

Recovery me: It doesn't work that way. It takes time as well as work.

Remorseful me: How much time?

Recovery me: It's different for each person. No one can say.

Remorseful me: So I have to keep feeling bad for some undetermined period of time?

Recovery me: Yes. Feel your feelings. Work the program.

Remorseful me: That's it?

Recovery me: Uh huh.

Remorseful me: No magic cure?

Recovery me: No.

Remorseful me: You haven't made me feel any better.

Recovery me: But I've told you the truth.

Remorseful me: Small consolation.

Recovery me: Large consolation. Finally, finally, you are being honest with yourself. And with everyone else.

Remorseful me: But I don't feel any better!

Recovery me: But you are getting better. No more secret life.

Remorseful me: No more secret life. I am so sick of living that way.

Recovery me: You're sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

Remorseful me: Yes. I just don't understand why it has taken me so long to learn this. Why I had to make the same mistakes over and over again. Why I had to hurt people whom I love.

Recovery me: It's one horrible disease.

Remorseful me: I feel so ashamed.

Recovery me: I know. And yet you are sober.

Remorseful me: You keep saying that.

Recovery me: Because it's true. And so important. You are in as much pain as you have ever been in, and yet you are not running for the comfort of sex addiction, like you used to.

Remorseful me: As bad as I feel, I'm surprised I haven't acted out.

Recovery me: It's not happenstance that you haven't.

Remorseful me: No?

Recovery me: It's a sign, my friend. A sign that you are ready. That you have surrendered. That you are on the road to recovery.

Remorseful me: I just wish it felt better than this.

Recovery me: I know. Come here. Let me give you a hug.

Remorseful me: You?

Recovery me: Yes, me. Me. The me you have always wanted to be. The me you can be. The "real" you.

Remorseful me: You are the real me?

Recovery me: Yes.

Remorseful me: Thanks for the hug.

Recovery me: You're welcome. You are always always welcome.

Remorseful me: And I will start to feel better, sooner or later?

Recovery me: Yes. You are already getting better, and soon you will start feeling better.

Remorseful me: I'm going to hold you to that.

Recovery me: Fine. Now, my friend ... let's go to a meeting.

Remorseful me: That I can do. Even in all this pain, that I can do.