Divorce

I face a divorce hearing this afternoon. Nothing's going to happen -- we don't have a settlement, and she and I are not even allowed in the courtroom; it's just the lawyers talking to the judge for a few minutes. Yet my stomach is churning.

This would be so much easier if I still had my lover to talk to. She was so supportive. I will never ever understand why I cheated on her, too.

I miss her most after work; I would always call on the way home. I get out of work at about 10 p.m. some nights, and I still just automatically start taking my phone out, even seven weeks after our breakup. Then I remember: I have no one to call at this time of night. And it's no fault but my own. And I feel this tightness in my stomach and head as I put my phone away.

I used to pray for her forgiveness, but I doubt God (or she) is going to grant me that. Now I pray FOR HER every morning, for her to be healthy and to not be too injured by what I did to her. I don't think I deserve to pray for more. And then I pray (sometimes reluctantly) for God's will in my life, not my own. I know what I would will: For my lover to forgive me and for us to get back together and for it to be all wonderful. And ... there is the slimmest chance of that happening. Or maybe there's not and I just don't know it yet because I haven't talked to her.

I so want the divorce to be over. The main reason is that's when I can call my lover (per our agreement). It's so weird: I spent over 30 years with one woman, and nine months with the other, and it's the nine-month lover I think of constantly and want to get back together with. I guess I'm still infatuated. Or obsessed. or in lust. Or in love. Or all of the above. We sex addicts have a hard time differentiating any of that.

Today is going to be a lonely day: Working at home, going to the divorce hearing, then more work at home. And oh yeah, I also have to fire someone from the small business I own. That will be loads of fun. I'm definitely feeling sorry for myself.

I do have a local 12-step meeting tonight at 7. I can look forward to that. And I am going to "bookend" the divorce hearing: Call a 12-step buddy before and after. That will help with the emotions.

I doubt I'll feel much joy today. Of course, some people tell me that's a "choice." I wish I knew how to make that choice. I don't know how to "choose joy." I hope during this dark time that God teaches me that.

Hope